Top Gear X
by dhalpin3
Summary: Decided I wanted to write another funny Illyana story. As I tried to come up with an idea I hit upon using British Top Gear as the framework (yes alcohol was involved). This story takes place before Illyana regained her soul. Illyana takes on a very strong presense after the first few chapters so Illyana fans, just give it a few chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: Decided I wanted to write another funny Illyana story. As I tried to come up with an idea I hit upon using British Top Gear as the framework (yes alcohol was involved). This story takes place before Illyana regained her soul. Ahh, combined two of my favorite things. Now if only I could find an illustrator. I actually wrote the ending before Clarkson was "fired" by the BBC.

Bit of info for the reader. Top Gear (BBC) is the greatest auto show in the world. Illyana is a member of the Marvel comic universe (X-Men).

**Part 1: The episode intro**

It is a cold crisp dry fall morning in Britain. The sun has only just risen, illuminating Stonehenge, one of the enduring enigmas of our time. The ancient pale gray stones, stained black in parts, give off a sense of mystery and wonder. Surrounding Stonehenge is a freshly mowed field of brilliant green grass. No people are about. Top Gear's theme song can be heard playing, Dan ta dan ta da ta danta danta danta...

Jeremy Clarkson's voice announces the episode_ "Tonight on Top Gear, we determine the best road car for an inter-dimensional jaunt. Viewer discretion advised due to violence and extreme awesomeness. In this episode James goes Rambo _(brief video image of James May with a British flag bandana firing a 50 caliber machine gun while screaming)_, Hammond has a parking mishap_ (brief video image of Richard Hammond dressed in military fatigues inspecting a horse cart that has been crushed beneath the back of a tank, thankfully the horse is not under the tank but is still attached to the cart. The horse is franticly kicking. Hammond can be briefly heard to say "_Oh dear, sorry, sorry"). "And I briefly wield the might of a _GOD" (brief video image of Clarkson driving a black convertible car (right hand drive), dressed as Thor the god of thunder, of all things. He is holding aloft Thor's hammer Mjolnir with his right hand, which is crackling with lightning, all the while screaming_ "POWER!")._

We return to the image of a deserted Stonehenge. We can see Stonehenge on the right; there is a gravel path in the middle, and field of grass on the left. The camera slowly pans left showing a fence that protects Stonehenge. Richard Hammond's voice is heard_ "I was the first to arrive"._ A green camouflage pattern tank drives into the video shot and bursts through the fence. Fence bits go everywhere; one fence pole is completely ripped out of the ground and can be seen bouncing off of one the Stonehenge monoliths which results in some stone breaking off. The grass is churned up and sent flying by the tank's treads as the tank does a couple of doughnuts around the grassy field, blackened diesel exhaust roaring into the air. The tank finally parks; facing the viewer, and turns off its engine.

A hatch opens on the tank's turret and Richard Hammond's upper half emerges. He is dressed in green military fatigues and is wearing a tanker's helmet, which makes him vaguely resemble his hamster nickname. He looks to his left and grimaces (the camera pans over to show a fence pole impaling a keep Britain bountifulsign; the sign has the image of somebody throwing garbage into a waste container. As the camera pans back to Richard a tank tread track is shown having crushed a garbage can flat).

_"Sorry a'bot that, the boys over did it just a tad. Anyway, as you can see, for this trip I've brought the best the British army has to offer; the Challenger 2 main battle tank. Model FV4034 to be precise. __120-millimetre 55-calibre long gun,__ two 7.62 mm machine gun, multiple smoke grenade launchers. And a little extra treat _(Hammond uses his left hand to slap the side of a rotatable armored rectangular box that is mounted on the top of the turret). _Nine hyper-velocity laser guided missiles with adjustable kinetic warheads for frangible impact or armored penetration; perfect for both ground and air. Um _(Richard grimaces and looks slightly embarrassed)_ not really sure what frangible means but I suppose we'll find out about that later_". Hammond now pulls himself onto the top of the turret, takes off his tanker helmet, and scampers down to the ground, almost falling off at one point. He starts to walk around the tank pointing out additional features (the camera follows him).

_"The usual optional equipment, reactive armor _(he points to thin rectangular plates attached to various parts of the tank)_ should upset any nasties. Try and take a bite of that and you'll be missing more then just a tooth. I've also selected the optional air conditioning package _(points to a box attached to the back of the turret) _perfect incase we encounter any dessert locals on our travels. And of course the full NBC warfare kit _(Nuclear Biological Chemical)._ With my British army crew there's not much we can't handle. The 1200 horse power V12 is bit slow though with a road speed of only 40 miles per hour. Oh, and it's a diesel, something Clarkson will probably get to moaning about". _

There is crushing sound off camera, the camera pans back to the fence where a green camouflaged 8 wheeled armored boxy vehicle, also with a turret, is rolling though the hole in the fence. James May's voice can be heard _"I was the next to arrive"._ The vehicle drives up and parks next to Hammond's tank. A hatch opens on the turret and James May's head, with his usual spaniel hair style, emerges to stare down upon the tank. _"Hammond, I'm a bit surprised"_ James's declares with his usual dry droll. "_I'd have expected Clarkson to have brought that and to be going on about power or some such nonsense. Are you sure you're not over compensating for something"? _May grabs hold of the hatch ring and climbed out onto the top of his vehicle. Unlike Hammond in his military garb, James was dressed in light brown outdoorsy camping/hiking gear.

_"May, mate, what the heck is that" _Richard replies back with a grin on his face.

_"This, my good fellow, is a US Army Striker Brigade M1127 Reconnaissance vehicle. Say what you want about the Yanks, they tend to be properly good at blowing up things. It weights in at a nimble 20 tons compared to your girthy 70ish tons. Its eight wheels allow it to traverse almost any terrain, and it can continue to move with half of its wheels missing or shot off. Fully amphibious, it can swim as well as drive. It is also capable of over 60 miles per hour via its turbo diesel V10 capable of 350 horse power. She carries a combat team of six troopers plus a crew of two. I went with the 20 mm Gatling gun upgrade and _(points to a box attached to the side of the turret)_ the dual TOW missile launcher, and the 50 cal machine gun_ (mounted on top of the turret)_. I should be able to outrun anything I can't blow up. Moreover, I have a fully equipped 6 man combat squad with all of their gear, more on that later in the show. She also has two firing slots per side so the combat team can return fire without leaving the vehicle, and one rear firing slot"._

May climbs down from his perch and walked over to stand next to Hammond. _"My God that suckers big"_ May declares looking at Hammond's tank, _"What are you expecting, Godzilla"?_

_"Don't really know, thought it best be plan for the worst"_ rebuts Richard.

The usual Top Gear humorous critique of each other's vehicles commenced. After a few minutes they started talking about their missing colleague. _"So what do you think Jezzas going to turn up with"_ Richard asked.

_"I'd guess a tank, but if he had his druthers it would probably be a F15, Apache helicopter or an A-10 Warthog ; but they don't really drive on the road as it were" _May replied.

Various vehicle selection ruminations commenced (_M1 tank? Israeli tank? German tank? I know, a Range Rover, naa no fire POWER_) until they were interrupted by a crackling sound of something light driving thought the gap in the fence. A black right hand drive convertible (the top was down) drove in and parked next to May's Recon vehicle. Two people were sitting in the car. One is Clarkson, the other is a unknown blond female.

Clarkson's bombastic and gravely voice is now heard to say _"I was the last to arrive"._ Clarkson opens his car door, steps out the vehicle and proceeds to walk over to his fellow presenters. Jeremy is wearing walking boots, grey jeans, a light brown shirt, a dark brown jacket and a grey scarf. He immediately finds fault with their vehicle choices.

_"I see my fellow presenters have been boringly predictable in their selections; and wrong I might add. Yes this is an inter-dimensional trip and one must be properly prepared but this" _Jeremy waved his hand indicating the military vehicles,_ "This is excessive". _

May quickly rebuts_ "Clarkson you fool, didn't you read the memo? You've brought the wrong vehicle. You won't last 10 minutes out there". _

_"Yes I read the memo, it clearly stated the best road __car__. Not best I want to invade another dimension and set myself up as a warlord vehicle. Not the best the world is ending and we need to fight over the last scone in England vehicle". _

_"Did you even bring a weapon" _asks Hammond.

_"Yes I brought a weapon, several in fact" _replies Clarkson while looking condescendingly at the pair,_ "9mm Beretta hand gun, AK-47, and a grenade launcher. Proper prudence I should think. Hmm, don't think health and safety is going to be pleased with this episode. Painting everything orange probably won't help either". _

Clarkson walks back to the convertible and starts to provide details about his vehicle choice, the camera pans around the car as Clarkson drones on.

_"Unlike your overly paranoid selections I've brought the Aston Martin Vanquish Volante convertible, the carbon black edition. 6 liter V12 with 570 horse power. 0 to60 in just 3.6 seconds and a top speed over 200 MPH. Full leather and exquisite luxury. An elegant and appropriate vehicle to tour the multiverse I would say. Plus, unlike you two dullards, I've brought a pretty girl. Just the thing to look at when your eyes get tired of the exotic scenery". _

The camera pans to the woman in the passenger seat. She's white, tallish with brilliant blond hair, long legs and stunning deep blue eyes. She's dressed in an elegant black evening gown and appears to be wearing a slender necklace with a cross. Clarkson ends his presentation by sitting on the hood of the car, with crossed arms, looking smug.

James and Richard walk away to where they had been standing and start a hushed conversation. In the background Clarkson goes to the passenger side door and opens it to allow his companion to exit (ahh always the gentleman).

_"You know he's going die" _Richard whispers.

_"And badly"_ May replies _"He doesn't stand a chance. The producers were quite specific as to the dangers"_.

_"Hmm"_ Hammond mused, _"The BBC has been quite cross with him lately, and just think about the ratings". _

_"The producers do have to approve of the vehicle choice before we show up so I think we should continue" _concludes May,_ "Worst case, we all get a promotion and have to find a new presenter. I call dibs on interviewing a Star in a reasonably priced car". _

Behind the plotting pair Clarkson and his blond companion can be seen walking up.

_"So who's your ah... cohort Jeremy" _Richard asked as the pair joined them.

_"Navigator, I have it on good authority"_ Jeremy answered.

_"Right..."_ Richard replied.

Clarkson continued _"Yana, I'd like to introduce my fellow presenters James May and Richard Hammond. Please try not to let anything they say bother you"_. Yana politely shakes their hands, at this point a white lab coated man approached the group and gives May an envelope.

_"And our first communiqué from the producers"_ May declares. He opens the envelope and reads the contents.

"_In five minutes a mystic portal to Svartalfheim, the Norse dark faerie realm, will open. You are to drive through the portal and take the road you see before you to the inn of the gutted pig, roughly 20 miles down the road. You are to stay the night. The local fauna can be quite hostile, so are the locals. Note that there is essentially no law enforcement so defend yourselves as needed. Additional instructions will be provided in the morning. Please try to survive the drive intact"_.

With that the envelope and letter vanished in a brief burst of flame followed by some cursing from May as he shakes his slightly singed fingers.

Clarkson looked around vaguely puzzled and uttered his favorite line _"How hard can it be"?_

**Part 2: Prep for the trip**

_"Well then, let's mount up"_ Clarkson declares_. "Hammond you go first as your the biggest and the slowest, I'll go second and May can guard our rears". _Clarkson paused for moment and reflected upon his statement, then shakes his head and utters _" Can't believe I just stated that May is going to be guarding my rear"_.

The group breaks up as they all head to their vehicles. As in all episodes, small GoPro cameras, with sound recording, are mounded on their vehicles so the viewer can see what is happening.

Hammond climbs up onto his tank, puts his tanker helmet back on, and gets into the turret. He ends up with his upper torso being out of the turret. Hammond then straps on some body armor while he talks. _"I see Jeremy has now started going after the interns. As I've said before, there is a certain type of girl who is attracted to celebrityism but Jeremy, tsk tsk so sad. Right, since I'm taking the lead I think we need to prime this little baby" _Hammond says with a grin. He cocks the 30 cal machine gun and chambers a round.

_"Ever third round is a tracer to aid in the gunner in seeing where the rounds going"_ Hammond briefs the viewers. _"Start her up driver, Corporal Hein is our driver. Gunner, his name's Bill by the way, select an appropriate round. Ahh, he says that they've loaded a high explosive round". _Hammond finishes the short briefing. The tank diesel roars to life.

May goes to the back of his recon vehicle, which has lowered the back access hatch. _"As you can see I have a fully equipped combat squad in the back"_ May points to the men sitting in the vehicle, three on each side of the vehicle. May briefs the viewers on the squad while he straps on body armor and a helmet.

_"Each of these fine chaps is equipped with body armor, the L85A2 assault rifle with optional grenade launcher and a 9mm pistol. We have two 5.56mm light machine gun in our kit, assorted grenades, and of coursed night vision goggles. We also have eight AT4 854mm light anti tank shoulder fired single shot launchers in addition to the two TOW missiles in the outside launch and the three spare TOW rounds. Plus an 81mm mortar with various rounds". _

May is now fully combat dressed and climbs into the vehicle which then raises the back access hatch. May's head now pops out the turret hatch and he continues the briefing, _"And over 2000 rounds of 20mm armor piercing rounds, bit crowded in here"_. The recon vehicle's engine also now roars to life and then simmers down to a mild purr.

May continues, "_A first viewers, apparently Top Gear now has a casting couch. I can just see it, Jeremy sitting behind his desk interviewing young ladies who want to get into broadcasting"_.

May now attempts to imitate Jerry by lowering his voice and having his face by assuming a bit of a gaping aspect _"It's a great opportunity my dear. A Top Gear road trip is the perfect vehicle in which to demonstrate you're considerably talents and allows me show you my manhood, uhmm... I mean my manly valor"_. May stops trying to ape Jeremy and concludes, _"We all know Jezza's a bit of knob, but now he's apparently thinking with it". _May concludes while shaking his head from side to side, "_So sad"_.

Clarkson and Yana return to the Aston Martin, Clarkson holds open the passenger side door for Yana to enter, shuts it and then goes to the driver's side and gets it. He starts to brief the viewers as he adjusts the rearview mirror.

"_Now ordinarily I would have picked a vehicle more inline with my fellow presenters. This trip really is rather perilous, but as I was mulling over what vehicle to select I happened to mention the upcoming episode to an acquaintance of mine. Now as you know, we have one super powered individual per season in the Star in a reasonably priced car; this results in acquaintances, friendships, and contacts that, well... are somewhat different then the normal celebrity interactions. Anyhow the, shall not be named, acquaintance suggested that the challenge included the choice of companions and that the appropriate companion or companions could allow for a more normal vehicle selection. After some trepidation I was convinced. Yana, lovely as she is, is not just some ornamental bit of fluff". _

The camera now shows Yana, the necklace that first looked like a cross can now be seen to actually be a small silver sword. _"She is quite accomplished in a variety of skills, which I suspect we shall see in this episode. She accepted my invitation to join me on this trip because, well... I'll let Yana explain". _

Yana gives a half smile, _"I was rather bored. My teammates suggested a road trip, but the same acquaintance of Jeremy's, who happens to be a big Top Gear fan, recommended that he knew of just the right road trip for me._ _I watched a few episodes and found myself amused so I agreed. This is not the road trip my teammates were thinking of taking, but I suspect I'll enjoy this one a lot more. Should give me a chance to cut loose a bit". _

_"There you have it gentle viewers, ahh I see the portal has opened" _Jeremy concludes the briefing.

A thirty foot oval hole in the fabric of space had opened. Instead of Stonehenge a dirt road could be seen leading off into the distance. The sky in the other realm appears to be a light green instead of earth's blue. Hammond can be heard to say, _"Right, we're off"!_ The tank engine roars and the tank drives thought the portal, followed by the convertible and then the recon vehicle.


	2. Chapter 2

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: My first attempt at a multi part story. As always author's love reviews. Comment away, and heck provide suggestions as this story is still in progress. Yes Illyana is in a supporting role, but oh how nice to see our girl in action.

**Part 3: Hell drive **

The tank emerges from the portal directly onto the road. The turret starts to swing back and forth as the terrain is examined. The road appears to be on an over grown grassy field with scattered oak like trees. The sky is a pale shade of green with a few scattered clouds. Interestingly, there is no sun in the sky which results in no shadows. The light appears to come from the sky itself (how odd). Off in the far distance a dense dark green forest can be seen. The road travels in that direction. The tank guns the engine and begins to drive down the road. After a few seconds the Aston Martin emerges from the portal and follows the tank. After a few more seconds the recon vehicle emerges and also follows after the other vehicles.

The road and the surroundings are slightly damp. The road is roughly one and a half times the width of the tank so passing will be difficult if the tank is uncooperative. The road is not muddy but not much dust is being kicked up. The road is in good shape, well it was in good shape before the tank starts creating two rather deep compressed tracks in the ground.

Clarkson finds himself driving over the now roughened road, diesel exhaust fills the air, small clumps of dirt are being flung into the air preventing him from following closely as he does not want the dirt bits falling on the car or getting in the passenger compartment. The tank accelerates to a blazing 35 MPH as Clarkson fumes.

_"Didn't quite think this though"_ mutters Clarkson. He keys the mike to broadcast his utterances to the other two.

Clarkson radios _**"Hammond, is that as fast as you can go? I'm still in first gear." **_

Hammond radios "_**That's an affirmative. She's more of an endurance runner then a sprinter".**_

Clarkson radios _**"Mate, you tank is slowing then a constipated ox. Move over a bit and let me take the lead, I'm choking on diesel fumes back here".**_

Hammond looks at the camera with a slightly exasperated expression, _"That didn't take long, Jeremy is already bored and has started to complain_".

Hammond radios "_**OK, I'll angle over to the right a bit so you can pass on the left**__". _

The tank edges over to the right and slows down to 15 MPH. The Aston Martin swings to the left and passes the tank. Richard grins and sounds the tank's horn just after the car passes the tank. A massive air horn blast shakes the air, sounding like an oncoming train.

The sound obvious startles Clarkson and the Aston Martin weaves from side to side. Clarkson can be seen to cringe and scream _"AAAH"_ and Yana is heard swearing in Russian "_Что__это, черт возьми__!__"_

Clarkson bellows into the radio _**"HAMMOND! By all that's holy, what the hell was that"**_**?!**

The scene splits, showing Hammond on one side and May one the other. May is laughing hysterically. Hammond continues to grin.

Hammond radios _**"Train air horn mate, one of the mods I've had done to the tank. I figure that it will help scare off some of the local baddies. What's wrong, did you navigator spill some nail polish"**_?

Yana looks quite cross, turns her head to look back at the tank and spits something in Russian _"__Так вы думаете,__лак для ногтей__смешно,__а__давайте посмотрим, как__вам нравится__ваш танк__розовый_**".**__

Clarkson radios_** "Don't think she's happy with you mate. And apart from now being partially deaf I think you just discovered my own personal brown note. I fear I've soiled myself. Please don't do that again, please...". **_

Things settle down and the little convoy continues to drive, rather slowly, down the road. The road starts to veer to the left and the still distant forest can now be seen to be on the right hand side of the road. The scene shifts to Hammond who's upper torso still protruding from the turret hatch. Hammond pats the turret top.

_Yea the old girls rather slow, but just the thing for fight. However the ride is a bit rough. There is a reason tankers wear this kind of headgear, you are forever bouncing your head off of something inside the tank due to the ride. And well... it's a tank so there's not a lot of soft spots. You'd think that something this big would have lots of room but there's not a lot of empty volume. It's mostly filled with guns, ammo and people. Jeremy tells me that the old Soviet Union actually only assigned tanks crewmen of my size; but coming from Jezza I think that might be a bit of an exaggeration". _Authors note, in fact it was true. Starting with the T-55 soviet tank crews were restricted to a max height of 5'10.

_"But the tracks should allow us to procedure across all but the steepest or muckiest conditions"._ Hammond faced takes on a contemplative look. "_I like it mucky, but not too mucky. Give the old girl something to roll around in". _

The scene now shifts to James. James is scanning the terrain and occasionally looking behind the recon vehicle, he talks as he scans.

_"Jeremy is basically confined to the road, while the both of us can go all terrain anytime we want. This allows us the ability to maneuver at speed while Jezza can really only drive on the road at speed. Go off-road and that car will likely break within a mile due to the lack of ground clearance". _

A sharp road bump rocks him from side to aid and he ends up banging his helmet off the back of the 50 cal machine gun_. _

_"Ouch, damn it. The ride is rough, the suspension is hard, which is surprising considering most American cars have ridiculously soft suspensions. Another complaint is the dimensions of the boot (that's trunk for you yanks), it's really quite small after you've jammed 6 blokes with full combat kit in it, roomy this thing is not". _

The scene shifts back to Clarkson who starts talking to the camera while glancing at the road. "_As expected, satnav doesn't work. Keeps thinking we're somewhere in Belgium. Allow me to demonstrate". _

Jeremy reaches forward and turns on the satnav. The satnav display shows the city of Brussels. . A female voice begins saying_ "You are going in the wrong way, turn 180 degrees and drive back 10 mile, repeat you are going the wrong...". _Jeremy turns off the satnav.

_"I hope she doesn't know something I don't. The radios not much better. There is only one station and it appears to only have Stalin speeches from the 1950s". _Jeremy turns on the radio, a Russian voiced can be heard" Вскоре капиталистические общества рухнет. К 1990 году весь мир будет советский ...". Yana translates, "_Soon the capitalist societies will crumble. By 1990 the entire world will be soviet...". _

Clarkson continues _"Rubbish, ash bin of history with that lot. Enough of that, let's move on to a few_ _brief facts"._

_"Top Gear is not only the most watched car show on earth, it also happens to be the most watched car show in the multiverse. Odin himself has been know to wear a I am the Stig eye patch from time to time and we all know that the Stig must be a god somewhere. I've been told that there is a world where this show is actually worshiped and the presenters are considered deities. I'm apparently some sort of bumbling Allfather, not quite all knowing or all powerful. Hammond is a warrior god (which explains the multitude of defeats they've endured), and May is their fertility symbol. It's unsurprising to find out that their birth rate is quite low. Just imagine that visage staring down upon you as you copulate. Definite mood killer that"._

Clarkson frowns and looks slightly befuddled. _ "I suppose they don't get out much"_ he sadly concludes.

_"Look here my misguided worshipers, your benevolent Allfather declares that henceforth Cameron Diaz shall be your fertility symbol, not Mr. May. Let it be written in your sacred scrolls and hence forth recommence fornication with renewed vigor so the land may repopulated"._

Clarkson chuckles a few times and then continues,_ "I've also been told that there is a dimension where driving is considered a religious observance and blessings involve the use of high octane oil. Moreover, car ownership costs and expenses are a legitimate religious tax deduction. Hmm, need to investigate that local for my next holiday". _

Yana suddenly interrupts_ "There's something up ahead, I believe its intentions are not friendly". _

Ahead, a half mile or so, some creature is resting or lying upon the read.

Clarkson radios "_**Hammond. There is something on the road up ahead, I'm stopping for moment. Please drive around the car and avoid crushing me. Can your gunner make out what it is? He has the best optics".**_

The little convoy slows to a stop as the tank maneuvers around the car. The tank come to a stop 20 feet in front of the car and off to the right of the road. Yana grabs a pair of binoculars from the passenger door's side compartment and stands up in the convertible to take a look.

Hammond radios _**"He says it looks like a dragon, a reddish dragon, we're loading an armor piercing round".**_

James's recon vehicle leaves the road, on left, and drive up parallel to the tank's position and stops; also off the road.

May radios_**"Concur. I'm looking at it via the TOW missile launcher optics and it defiantly looks like what I'd imagine a dragon to be, wings and all. Looks like a small version of Tolkien's Smaug"**__._

Yana jesters to Clarkson to give her the radio mike. Yana radios** "Actually it's a young adult male drake, not a dragon. Dragons are intelligent and grow to be much larger. This is a red drake, roughly thirty five'ish feet long noise to tail. Their about as smart as a dog, red drakes do breath fire and can fly. Tough, but nothing like a dragon. This one has a collar so he's not wild. He's just laying on the road facing us. Very suspicious. I suspect his owner is using him either as a distraction or is sizing us up. Recommend something aggressive and lethal".** Yana sits back down and hands the mike back to Clarkson.

Camera shot switches to Richard who looks nonplussed, he looks at the camera and states "_Well, apparently not just a pretty face. Rather thought she'd start getting hysterical at this point. Maybe Jezza actually picked her for more then the obvious assets"_.

Camera shot switches back to Clarkson, Clarkson radios **"**_**Any idea chaps? Hammond you have that big gun and May, this might be a fine time to test the effectiveness of the TOW**_**"**.

May radios _**"Mr. Clarkson, I see that your vehicle choice is already failing. I guess it's up to Hammond and I to pull your arse out of the fire. Hammond, you and I could just go off road and drive around the beast and leave Clarkson here to his fate"**_.

Richard radios _**"Clarkson yes, but it don't feel manly to leave the lady. I think this is a good time to do some ordnance testing. Who wants to go first"? **_

May radios_** "Lets try the TOW first. If I miss then you hit it with a cannon round". **_

There is a high pitched whining sound as the twin TOW missile launcher folds down from its stowed position against the recon vehicle's turret. Both Clarkson and Yana cover their ears. May ducks into the turret and puts his right eye up against the TOW targeting range finder. May mutters _"Locked on"_ then radios _**"Firing".**_

The TOW missile departs with a loud whoosh, trailing guidance wires. The missile briefly rises to twenty five feet in height before diving down to race down range, four feet off the road. The drake can be seen to stare and take great interest at the approaching missile. Just as the missile is about to impact the creature the drake leaps into the air while spreading his wings. This causes the missile to miss, passing beneath the drake.

May radios _**"Oh Cock, it jumped. Hammond it's flying towards us, shoot"!**_

The drake can be seen flying, roughly forty feet in altitude, towards the convoy. His mouth is open wide, displaying a large number of sharp pointy teeth. A faint red glow can be seen deep in the throat, promising impending fire. The tank's turret is tracking the drake. The gun fires with a rather colossal **BOOM**. The armor piercing round (an APFADS Armor-piercing fin-stabilized discarding-sabot to be specific) flashes down range like some kind of laser bolt from Star Wars. The round hits the drake where the chest and neck meet and exits by the upper rear left leg barely impeded by the flesh (Yes a round designed to penetrate over 600mm of armor plate was a bit of over kill for a common drake; now a dragon on the other hand...).

The round continues down range and vanishes from sight (it lands over 4 miles away). The drake tumbles through the air as it crashes to the ground at the side of the road that faces the forest. The throat's red glow fades away. The TOW missile can be seen to still be flying, it's enters the forest to the right of the road and a distant boom can be heard a few seconds later.

_"Good shooting Bill"_ Richard shouts _"Can't dodge that! I herby christen this tank Drake's Ban"! _

The trio recommence their drive, May's recon vehicle now in the lead, followed by the Richard's tank and the Aston Martin in the rear. Clarkson starts bemoaning to the camera _"Again in the rear eating Hammond's exhaust... Wait that not quite what I meant to say"._ Yana starts giggling at the inadvertent double entendre. May drives past the drake and then pulls off the road facing the forest. His head pops out of the turret, and he looks and the crumpled drake

May radios _**"Looks quite dead Hammond**_".

As the tank drives up we see Hammond's torso protruding from the tank turret, he is holding onto the 30 cal machine gun. Hammond glances at the camera_, "We all know how this works in horror shows, the monster looks dead only to suddenly spring to life and eat one of the film cast. Let's see the beastie do that with a squished head_". With a rather large squishy crackling sound the tank proceeds to drive over the drake's head, with the left track, and parks on it. 

_"That'll do" _Hammond declares with satisfaction.

Clarkson drives up and parks the car on the road. Clarkson looks upon the now headless drake with some dissatisfaction, _"Hammond, you squished it you bad person you. Now we can't have the head mounted in the Top Gear offices"_.

May injects from the top of his vehicle_, "Seems a waste to just leave the carcasses, could we attach it to the rear of the tank"?_

A few minutes past by, now we see that the tank has pulled forward and that chains have been wrapped around the drake's body and attached to the rear of the tank. The recon vehicle's rear ramp has been lowered and the assault team has taken up parameter guard duty. Everybody is pausing at whatever they are doing to take photos and selfies with their phones. The three presenters have all left their vehicles and are arguing on how to host the body up; after also taking a selfie with the now headless drake.

_"It's got to weight several tons, there is no way we can host it using the tank barrel, it might bend"_ Hammond complains.

Clarkson thinks that a winch would do the trick while May argues that the gun barrel would not bend. Yana is still in the car and can be seen applying some lipstick.

The tank's gunner (Bill) yells down from that top of the tank that there is movement in the forest, which is roughly a quarter mile away. The camera angle shifts to show the forest in the distance. Large wolf like creatures can be seen emerging; there are riders on the wolves.

May raises a pair of binoculars and declares with some disbelieve, _"My God, their blue, they look like some kind of tall smerfs. Six foot smerfs armed with swords and spears. And they're riding evil looking giant wolves"_.

_"Elves, blue means they're dark elves"_ Yana yells from the car!

_"Run away"_ Clarkson bellows as he quotes Monty Python.

May and the assault team hurriedly re-enter the recon vehicle, whose rear ramp can be seen to start winching back up, while Hammond climbs back onto the tank. Clarkson runs to his convertible and quick gets in and starts the car. The wolf riding elves start to charge full out. The car's wheels spin as Clarkson rapidly drives away.

Clarkson radios _**"Looks like a full on fire fight chaps, I'll just get in the way and like get fragged while you blokes are shooting. I'll just scoot down the road a bit and shoot from there"**_.

The recon vehicle's 22mm Gatling gun can be heard to start to spin in preparation of firing. The tank's main gun fires a high explosive round, a fraction of a second later a fountain of earth erupts as a wolf/rider pair is blow skyward. Then the 20mm fires. A giant zipping sound fills the air as the a 40 foot gout of flame spurts from the Gatling gun as the turret rotates back and forth spraying complete mayhem and death. Both tank and recon vehicle engines burst into life and the two vehicles take off after the now departed Clarkson; well the recon vehicle takes off, the tank kind of limbers in a hurried manner.

The recon vehicle is in front of the tank as they depart the scene at a blistering 45 MPH. The tank is dragging the now forgotten drake, which is bouncing all over the road. Grisly bits now start to fly off the drake due the abuse.

Hammond radios _**"I can see more emerging from the forest"!**_

The tank turret rotates to aim at the forest and the main gun coaxial 30 cal machine gun open up with short bursts. On the recon vehicle two rifle barrels poke out of side firing slots and also start firing short bursts. Both the recon vehicle and the tank fire off their externally mounted smoke grenades which quickly obscures all from sight.

Scene shift:

In the distance we see a low horizontal cloud of smoke. We hear Wagner's ride of the Valkyries playing while in slow motion the recon vehicle dramatically emerges from the smoke, followed by the tank. Both turrets are facing backwards towards the smoke. A few seconds later wolf riders, also in slow motion, emerge from the smoke. The tank continues to fire the co-axel 30 cal machine gun while the recon vehicle continues to fire the 20mm in very short bursts, which appear to basically shred any target that is hit. The drake is now mostly gone, only a rear leg is left to gruesomely bounce and flail behind the tank. One particularly vigorous bounce knocks a rider off of his wolf.

We now cut to James, in the recon vehicle's turret, who is busily firing the 20mm.

_"I may not have quite thought this through"_ he states as he fires. _"The 20mm is devastating, but God the ammo consumption. Every pull of the trigger is sending 40 rounds down range"_.

James starts pressing buttons on the firing console. _"There, now each pull only fires four rounds. Keep in mind that one round is sufficient to turn your average engine block into smoking scrap. It pains me to admit this, but Jeremy may have something on his vehicle selection. Hammond and I are mostly just passengers who can shoot at things. The actual driving is being done by somebody else". _

Meanwhile, several miles up the road, Clarkson and Yana have having difficulties of their own.

Aerial shot of Aston Martin speeding down the road, Yana's hair is flailing in the air flow. The shot pans out and behind the car we see four dark elves riding what appears to be large cheetahs. The cheetahs are rapidly converging on both sides of the car.

_"Damnation, the road is too rough to go faster, the baddies are gaining"_ Clarkson vents with a look of concern. Clarkson holds onto the steering wheel with his left hand while drawing the Berretta 9mm with his right hand. Yana meanwhile has somehow managed to stand up and has turned around facing the oncoming protagonists. Her right foot is on the floor and her left foot is braced against the seat back while her back is up against the windshield. Her hair is whipping about and she has an expression of utter delight (which in hindsight really should have been a clue to the oncoming baddies that this was not a good idea). Surprisingly, silver armor now covers her right side while her left side is still in the elegant black gown. Also somewhat surprising, Yana is now holding a sword, which is aflame with silver fire, with both hands.

The riders converge from both sides. Clarkson, with his trademarked toothy grimace points the 9mm at his cheetah mounted protagonist. He fires his pistol repeatable while shouting, _"Eat hollow points you socialist Brussels speed camera bastard"! _ (Apparently Jeremy was having some kind of EU flashback). Some of Jeremy's rounds actually hit the intended target (it's kind of hard to miss at five feet). Both the cheetah and rider go down hard, rather harder then intended as the rear wheel bounces over something squishy. Meanwhile Yana has already dispatched two riders; one is missing a hand and the other his head.

The one remaining rider comes up behind the convertible and leaps from his steed into the convertible's back seats. He and Yana engage in sword play for a few seconds before Clarkson fires three rounds over his shoulder, gun upside down; while at the same time Yana slices off his right shoulder. The baddie falls backwards and departs the vehicle; his presumed body can be seen tumbling in the road behind the convertible.

_"That's the last of that"_ Clarkson concludes, "_The __Vanquish__ has an excellent rear view mirror, just the thing for dispatching baddies over you're shoulder"_. Meanwhile Yana gets back into her seat; her sword and armor are now gone.

Clarkson radios _**"Chaps how goes? We've dispatched some high speed nastiss over here".**_

The scene switches back to show an overhead shot of the tank and recon vehicle. The vehicles are still driving on either side of the road and both turrets are still pointing to the rear; but the wolf riders have apparently given up. They can now be seen milling about over some fallen comrades. The tank takes this opportunity, rather unsporting, to fire a high explosive round into their midst. There is a brief flash and we see more bodies, and bits of bodies, being flung about.

Hammond radios _**"Just about done here you big coward. Thanks for all the help"**_.

Clarkson radios _**"My plan was to drive down the road a mile or two and then snipe at the foe. I forgot to mention I've got the official British army sniper rifle in the boot, it's an Accuracy International L115A3 chambered for the .338 round. Longest proven sniper kill in history was done with that rifle. But... we got ambushed by elves riding giant pussies so we've been a bit distracted".**_

There is silence for a few seconds as the blokes try to digest a completely incorrect mental image. We see a split screen of May and Hammond looking quite confused.

May radios "_**Are you trying to tell us that you were attacked by elves riding giant naughty lady bits"**_?

Clarkson radios "_**No you deviant perverted swine, giant cats. Stop misconstruing my words". **_

Hammond radios, _**"Well I'm glad that's cleared up, rather disturbing image you painted there. No, we're clear now". **_

We now see recon vehicle and tank driving back onto the road, the recon vehicle in the lead. The drake's leg is still bouncing behind the tank looking quite tattered.

Clarkson radios _**"Well that's good news, I think I see the inn up head so I'll get the beer on and some nibbles ready"**_.

Off in the distance we see a two story building on the right side of the road. There are some horses tided to a hitching post and some horse carts, each with one horse, parked in front of the building.


	3. Chapter 3

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: I wrote this story in part to show Illyana interactions where she was not the focus of the story. The concept of an Illyana Top Gear road trip just appeared to be the perfect platform for humor as well. Yes there is a bit more violence then your normal Top Gear show (ok quite a bit more), but heck this is taking the premise to the limit.

**Part 4: Inn of the disconnected pig parts**

The inn looked quite rustic. A basic two story building with a barn out back. There was a hitching post in front, with two horses tied to it. The sign hanging over the main door shows a pig being gutted by a dark elf with a battle ax. We see the black convertible drive up to the inn and parks next to a horse cart. Scene switches to the car's interior.

Clarkson stares out the front windshield for a few moments. His left hand is on the steering wheel and his right hand is still holding the 9mm. He heaves a sigh of relieve, mumbles something about Teflon hollow points, puts the 9mm in his coat pocket and turns off the engine.

Clarkson looks at the camera and grumbles_, "That's a bit more excitement then we usually have, apart from Argentinean yabbos that is. How are you doing Yana, I hope the difficulties did not distress you too much"_.

Yana waves her left hand dismissing Clarkson's concerns, her blue eyes bright with delight. _"I'm fine, having a great time to be honest. Are all of your road trips this fun"_?

Clarkson was not quite sure how to answer the question and was a bit taken back at Yana's obvious delight. Fun yes, but not fun like this. _"Err no, this trip appears to be rather more adventurous then our regular road trips. Hank really was properly spot on in recommending you for this trip though". _

_"Yes, he loves your show, always talking about it. Even has the logo as one of his screen savers. Just never ask him about carburetors. Shards the man will not shut up about carburetors once he starts". _

Clarkson hits a button on the dashboard and the convertible's metal roof starts to unfold fold from the trunk, _"Yes, he and May went on for quite a bit in the green room when he was the star in the reasonably priced car. Kept talking about that Triumph TR3 he restored, lovely car that. I can sympathize with your annoyance about excessive fuel mixing talk, but I have to say that some in moderation it can be quite pleasant. Bit of show trivia, we had to fit a special seat for him in the car due to his size. Normal seat resulted in his knees being about level with his nose"_. With a solid sounding click the roof latched closed.

Scene now switches from inside the car to the outside. We see Illyana and Clarkson get out of the car and walk over to the inn's main entrance. The Inn entrance has swinging split western salon style door. As they walk up to the swinging door's we hear the chirp of a car alarm being activated.

Meanwhile May and Hammond had briefly stopped their vehicles to examine the dead cheetahs and dismembered dark elves.

May radios **"The bullet wounds I understand, but this blokes missing his head, looks like it's been cut clean off".**

Hammond radios **"The heads over here. How did Jezza manage that? You'd need a sword or something to do this and I can't imagine Jezza swinging a sword"**.

May radios **"He'd throw his back right out. Something off here, you don't think Yana did it"?** May directs his driver to drive over to Hammond's tank.

Hammond radios **"Naaa, I mean... well... I suppose she might have, but how, with what"? **

Hammond stops radioing as May's recon vehicle pulls up. Hatches open on both vehicles and each presenter cautiously pokes their head out and looks around. Seeing that the local appears safe the two presenters pull themselves half way out of the hatch and commence to gossip like a couple of old hens.

_"James, I've been meaning to ask, have you met Yana before"?_

_"No I haven't, have you"?_

_"Nope. Why is it always Jeremy? I mean we both get our share of inappropriate female groupies, but he gets the birds in droves and just look at him. And so bloody many of them are just, well incredible. Explain the female attraction to that misassembled orangutan with yellow smoker's teeth and a protruding belly". _

May replied with a highly obscure and inappropriate comment, _"I always thought it was his ability to spell the alphabet while humming"_.

Hammond feigned being shocked, _"James you dirty dog you. What would your Mum say"?_

_"I wouldn't say it in front of my Mum, but seriously I'm as befuddled as you as the female attraction to Jezza". _

_"Do you think Yana and him are... you know, nudge nudge wink wink"?_

_"Naaa, there's something about her. I don't think she's your standard BBC host chasing tartlet. She knew what a drake was, even could identify its gender. I'm beginning to think Clarkson brought a ringer. Well, wait and see I guess"._

May looks at the rear of Hammond's tank,_ "Hang on. Hammond didn't you have a drake attached to the rear of your tank"._

Hammond turns and looks at the tank's rear. We see the dejected foot still attached by its chain to the tank._ "Err, right. Forgot about that. Wonder where the rest of the beastie is"?_

We leave the gossiping duo and return to the inn.

We see Clarkson and Yana enter the inn (the camera is inside the inn). The main room is rectangular and has a bar on the right side (if you are facing the door). Next to the bar is a stunted troll (imagine a warthog on two legs dressed as a hells angel, with tattoos, rather protruding tusks) wearing a vest and a hat. There is a centaur behind the bar and two scantily clad dark elf maidens (wenches by job title) serving the room. Cooking smells imply an unseen kitchen of some sort.

There are rough hewn tables and chairs scattered about the room, some that see two people, some four, and some can seat eight to ten people. There is a ruined jukebox off in the far corner. It looks like something has gnawed on it and a sword is sticking out the top, kind of like sword in the stone (whomever draws forth the sword shall have a hit single). There are several people/things scattered about the room and there is one group of nine dark elves, dressed rather like bikers, sitting around one of the larger tables. The room goes silent when Clarkson and Yana enter.

Clarkson surveys the room _"Right, make a good first impression"_ he mutters. _"Yana do you want a beer"_ he whispers.

_"No, some white wine would be nice thought"_ she replies while scanning the room.

Clarkson decided to take command, _"Bartender"_ he bellows, _"Three beers and a glass of white wine"_ while he and Yana sit down at a table large enough for five or six people. The centaur bartender grunts, swishes his tail, and starts to fill glasses from some barrels on the wall behind him. The group of biker like dark elves continue to stare at them while whispering amongst themselves.

_"I've got a bad feeling about this"_ Clarkson whispers as he fingers the 9mm in his jacket packet. The bikerish elves now start to call out suggestions to Clarkson and Yana. The "suggestions" mostly involve involuntary horizontal dancing positions for Yana, how much does she cost, and just how long Clarkson would survive while undergoing vivisection (the consensus was less then 3 minutes).

_"Excuse me for a minute"_ Yana whispers with some irritation, after one particularly graphic verbal depiction. She gets up from the table and walks over to the rowdies' table.

Clarkson watches her go over and then faces the camera _"Not a bright move on their part. Normally I'd be defending the lady's honor, but in this case not only can the lady defend herself quite well but she might get offended if I were to attempt to intrude. And with Yana you __really__ don't want to offend. Bad idea in general"_.

Continued nasty comments can be heard being uttered at Yana and Carson. Yana can be heard to say "_If it's dancing you want then please don't let me hold you back. __**Dance**__"_. The lights on the ruined jukebox turn on and a song starts to play.

When I dance they call me Macarena  
And the boys they say que estoy buena  
They all want me, they can't have me  
So they all come and dance beside me  
Move with me, chant with me  
And if you're good I'll take you home with me

Hey Macarena!

...

...

The ruffians fall silent as they all stand up and begin dancing, of all things, the Macarena. They have a panicked look in their eyes as they apparently no longer have control over their limbs or their actions. One of the dark elves opens his mouth only to find himself lip syncing to the song. The centaur bartender looks up from filling the glasses, watches and just shakes his head as he returns to his filling. The audio picks up his grunted comment _"Dumb asses, blind as well as stupid"._

The troll bouncer starts to walk over. He's lightly swinging a mace with his right hand, while with his left he takes a monocle on a chain from his vest and places it over his left eye. He squints at the dancing elves and grunts something indecipherable. He brings up the mace while turning to Yana and squints at her as well. All of his motions freeze for a second and the monocle falls from his left eye. He lowers the mace and slowly backs away.

Yana glances at the troll and gives a sniff of dismissal, then walks back to the table and sits down.

Clarkson jokes while looking at the dancing elves with some confusion. "_That was quick, I'd have thought there would be more mayhem involved, missing limbs or something"._

"_Oh, they said they just wanted to dance so I played a song. Apparently they were unable to get the jukebox working"_ Yana replies with a wicked grin _"I think you'll find that this inn has a type of WiFi, so any song you select on your iphone will play on the jukebox"._

_"Really, well need to find some good Genesis song for Hammond then. He adores Genesis, you should ask him about it later"._

The sound of a tank's diesel can now be heard to approach, the recon vehicle is far quieter (it is a recon vehicle after all).

We suddenly hear crashing sounds out front and Hammond can be heard shouting something. Clarkson and Yana get up to investigate while the ruffians continue to dance around the room.

Scene shifts to the front of the inn. Hammond is behind the tank having apparently tried to guide the driver in backing up the tank to park. Tried to guide in that now a cart is beneath the tank tracks and a frantic horse is futilely kicking the tank as it tries to get loose from the harness. A decrepit old dark elf is busy shouting abuse at Hammond while Hammond busily apologizes.

_Oh dear, sorry, sorry. All my fault. Frightfully sorry bot this_". Richard spies Clarkson and Illyana coming out the inn's front door. _"Jeremy! Over here! What the hell do we do about damages? I don't think they take insurance forms here"._

Jeremy has a few snorting laughs as he surveyed the squabble_. "Pay the umm... elf. Try one of those coins the producers gave us". _

Richard dug out one of the coins from his pocket, a golden one, and offered to the elderly and very wrinkled elf. The elf looked befuddled for a few seconds before snatching the coin and hightailing it down the road (a wise choice as the cart and horse were only worth three silvers and a gold coin was worth 50 silvers).

_"I think you over paid mate"_ Jeremy continued to chuckle.

_"Hang on, what about the horse? I don't want a horse, already have a few and this one's an obvious nag". _

_"Bit late for that, perhaps somebody in the inn will buy it. Step lively James is here, I hope he's not actually driving that thing."_

James's Recon vehicle pulls up and parks next to the tank (on the other side of the horse). The turret hatch opens and James's head pokes out to survey the situation. Before he can utter a pithy comment Hammond declares _"Right O, well that's that. Beers awaiting. First rounds on me" _and scampers back to the tank where his follow team mates are securing the vehicle for the night. James gives a squinty questioning look at Jeremy who simple shrugs and walks back to the Inn's entrance.

After everybody is done disembarking the now rather sizable group reenters the inn.

_"Why are they all dancing"_ May asks.

_"Just a bunch of metasexual blokes having a good time"_ replies Clarkson. Clarkson leans over and whispers "_It's what they do here, don't mind it. And now..." _Clarkson holds up his iPhone and hits a button. The song Invisible Touch by Genesis starts to play.

She don't like losing, to her it's still a game  
Though she'll mess up your life, you'll want her just the same, now I know  
She has a built in ability  
To take everything she sees

...

Richard starts to complain right on cue _"Oh God, not Geneses. I hate Geneses"._

The rest of the evening was filled with quiet discussions and drinking in moderation. No? Not buying that? Ok, a bit more truth in the telling then.

To hear Jerry describe the evening you would think gold flowed like water from his hands providing an endless supply of refreshments in a variety of intoxicating forms and delights. James distinctly remembers the gold part a bit differently, something about Jeremy trying to pay with a black American express card and getting into bit of a row with the centaur (No they don't take American express, Visa, MasterCard, or Discover, but for some odd reason they would accept Diners club which of course nobody had).

Turns out if you throw enough of the gold coins about everybody becomes quite friendly.

The two serving wenches had to be supplemented with an emergency brigade of backup wenches and to hear some of the stories you would imagine that the second oldest profession did a bang up business that night with the solders.

Details are a bit blurry so that's all you get. Make up more juicy bits if you want.


	4. Chapter 4

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: Been a bit since I've been writing Top gear X. Mostly been doing Snowflake on ice and Magik meltdown work. A short chapter that I wrote several months ago, Enjoy.

Remember reviews are always wanted and are oil to the gears of creativity.

**Part 5: Grim light of day two**

We see Hammond, May, and Clarkson sitting around a small table in the inn, each with a cup of coffee; except for May who has a cup of tea. Various broken bits of tables and chairs are scattered across the floor. We can hear that the music is still playing from the juke box; currently House of the rising sun from the Animals. Several elves are passed on the floor in various stages of undress, but two elves are still stumbling about trying to dance. Yana is by the bar watching the dancers with some amusement, while eating with the crews from the other vehicles. Richard looks quite cross while May and Jeremy are trying their best to look innocent.

_"Fine, both of you deny doing it"_ Richard states with some irritation_. "What I really want to know is how did you do it? It looks so professionally done, not your usual inane cock about". _

Scene now shifts to outside the inn. It is a foggy morning. The sky is obscured and visibility is only 300ish feet. We see the rustic two story inn with the three vehicles parked in front. The tank is now pink. Not just any pink, its neon nail polish glossy pink. Not some hurried lets slap some paint on it and run away job. Nooo, the camouflage green pattern has been meticulously replaced with pink while leaving all numbers and decals unaltered. The attention to detail is stunning, ever the underside of the tank is pink, as well as the tracks. The paint is also completely dry. The words Drakes Bane has been written on each side of the turret in gothic script in bright yellow paint.

In addition, a caricature of the tank and a drake has been painted each side of the hyper missile box. The caricature shows a deceased drake lying on the ground with its tongue hanging out of its mouth and little Xs over the eyes. The tank (imagine the tank turret as a head with a large nose, then add arms and legs to the tank body) is... well... Let's just say the tank is having its way with the drake, doing the nasty, abusing the dead, deploying heavy ordnance; scratching the itch, calling in an air strike... I think you get the picture.

We now return to the inn. Clarkson is attempting to make small talk, _"I have to say it looks quite good, even the necrophilia depiction is in character with the name"_.

_"Oh sod off"_ Richard rebuts, _"That tank was a massive beefy bruiser, now it's a big beefy screaming bender of a bruiser wearing a pink tutu and marching in the gay parade. It's flaming pink! It looks like one of my daughter's Barbie accessories. Any moment now Ken, that emasculated piece of plastic, is going to pop his head out of the driver's hatch and ask Barbie where she want to go shopping today. Or the bloody teletubbies are going to crew it with that obnoxious purple dinosaur while all singing I love you, you love me. And if you make a homophobic comment they'll fire a HEAT round up your arse. It's just wrong mate, wrong. Now, I'd ordinarily suspect Jerry but this is just too much effort. Which leaves you James" _Richard's eyes narrow_, "This has your attention to detail written all over it". _

At this point another exhausted elf, dressed in a white lab coat, stumblely dances up to the table and drops off a golden envelope. Clarkson hurriedly opens the envelope and declares _"Our first challenge"._

Clarkson reads the sheet of paper, _"Traveling though some dimensions are fraught with danger. Experienced travelers help safeguard themselves by excluding a certain vim, a sense of danger, an aura of don't mess with me. You will now do the following test to determine how much vim you, your vehicular choice, and companions exclude. You will drive to a field one mile from here and each setup a defensive position. Each of you will face a group of ten dark elves, two trolls, one ogre and one dark elf leader. You will get two points for each creature that runs away, 1 point for each creature that decides not to attack, and 2 points off for each creature that attacks. You will lose .01 points for every round of ammo fired"._

The trio look at each other with trepidation.


	5. Chapter 5

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: I actually wrote this section first when I started writing this story (Clarkson and Hammond). May's part of the challenge I jus now got done with as the muse finally returned. I had mostly been writing Snowflake on ice and Magik meltdown.

As always comments are greatly desired.

**Part 6: First challenge**

Some time later the camera looks over a green field of damp un-mowed grass roughly 7 inches tall. A magical shimmering force field hides the assault party while each group sets up. Clarkson and May are standing well off to the side on a small knoll with a scoreboard, several plastic chairs, and a folding table.

Voice of Hammond _"I went first"._

Apparently Richard's setup was rather simple. He basically drove the bright neon pink tank onto the field and parked it. The engine can be heard idling. The upper torso of Hammond can be seen, with a flack jacket and helmet on, emerging from the tank's turret. He is manning the 30 cal machine gun.

_"All right chaps, load a HESH round (High Explosive Squash Head). That should deal with the ogre if he attacks. Gunner then pick your targets and round type, likely those oversized shotgun rounds are the best choice _(think of a shotgun round scaled up to 120 mm, filled with half inch mini balls, ouch!). _Driver await my command if we have to move, rev the engine a bit for some drama. Alright start the test". _

The magic field vanishes, 100 yards ahead of the tank the dark elf centric based assault group stands revealed and gazes at the tank. All are dressed in armor. The trolls, and especial the ogre, look rather like humanoid tanks themselves. There is a line in front of the group. The elvish commander looks concerned upon seeing tank. Smoke starts to bellow from the back of the tank as the driver revs the engine thereby rocking the tank, the exhaust's low rumbling sound can be felt as well as heard. Even painted pink the tank exudes a sense of barely restrained mayhem.

The voice of Clarkson starts to give a play by play _"The elves look concerned, probably think it's some form of exotic drake. Here's some words of advice for anyone who might be thinking of messing with a Challenger 2. Don't"._

The elvish commander gestures to the ogre who starts to run to the group's right side in an attempt to outflank the tank. _"Oh, looks like he's sending in the ogre as a diversion and likely as a test. Classic baddie technique to send in the dumb one first, test the waters as it were". _

The tank gun starts to track the ogre as the ogre moves. The ogre suddenly cuts left and crosses the line which prompts the tank to fire. There was a flash of light and then, well, no more ogre. Large chunks of flesh rain down upon the field like meat hail. The tank gun turns back to the elvish group and centers upon the elvish commander who looks disgusted with the whole situation. The group stands there for a minute and then a horn sounds to signify that the test was done.

Hammond, as always, was gracious in victory. He can be seen cheering on top of the tank and shooting _"Loser"_ at the departing foe.

Clarkson sums up Richard's test _"That's 13 points for Hammond, minus 2 for the ogre, and minus 0.01 for the tank round. Doesn't seem quite fair, one 120 mm round is just minus 0.01 points. Oh well such is the grading system, it's your turn May, do us proud"_.

Scene now switches to May standing on the ground next to the recon vehicle. _"Well gentle viewers, as you can tell we certainly lack the raw firepower of Hammond's over endowed brawer. We've chosen to dig in and setup a fire position. Right-O chaps let's get cracking". _

Several long and tedious hours later:

Clarkson is asleep and snoring in one of the plastic chairs, next to the fold out table. Five empty red bull cans litter the ground around him. A cell phone is on the table next to him; May's voice can be heard saying _"To the left, bit more, bit more, there that's it. Just twelve more and we're done". _

Richard is sitting in the driver's seat of the Aston Martin looking over the controls and secretly envying Clarkson's vehicle choice while wondering if it was possible to make a convertible tank. Hmm all girl tank crew? Naa his wife would kill him.

Yana is currently wearing a tanker's helmet (looks quiet fetching with the black evening gown). Her torso is half way out of the commander's hatch on the tank and Gunner Bill is showing her how to operate the 30 Cal machine gun.

_"Done"!_ May's cry of engineering triumph awakens Clarkson who groggily produces yet another red bull can and drains it in one go. _"About bloody time, took less time to create the Maginot line"_ Clarkson mumbles while getting up.

_"Humph, I see that James has created the great wall of May". _

We behold May's creation. He and his team have dug two fox holes and a connecting trench. The spoil being used to fill an apparently endless supply of sand bags that have been placed in front of the fox holes and the trench. A light machine gun has been set up in each fox hole; with one solder. Five solders are in the trench, and May is protruding from the recon vehicle's turret. Everybody looks quite dirty and sweaty.

May turns to the camera, _"Well that took a bit more time then planned. Well any job worth doing is worth doing well"._ May takes a British flag bandana from his pocket and starts to tie it around his forehead like some kind of Japanese Banzai warrior.

"_As you can see we have two machine gun nests, 5 rifle men, the 50 Cal that is on top of the vehicle" _May pats the M2 50 Cal machine gun and cocks it (known to those in the know as the infamous Mau Duce) _"And a secrete surprise that I hope we don't have to use". _

Richard wanders up to Clarkson, _"Is captain slow turned civil engineer finally ready"?_

_"Yes, quiet the impressive little fort he's built"._

_"Ready chaps?!" _May shouts.

_"Ready!"_ his combat team replies.

"_Commence the test"_ May declares with complete confidence.

Again the magic field vanishes, 100 yards ahead of the impromptu fortress another dark elf centric based assault group stands revealed and gazes at the target. The elvish commander stares across the distance at May and they lock eyes. It's a test of wills, Vim against Vim. Several tense seconds pass until the dark elf commander barks one word and his assault group surges over the line.

_"Oh Cock"_ May utters in dismay and starts to fire the Mau Duce. We see May gripping the firing handles and screaming (all in slow motion) as empty cartages are ejected from the gun and shock waves travel up May's arms. Both machine gun nests open fire as well as two rifle men in the trenches.

Three of the elves go down. The two trolls and the ogre lower their shields; thereby deflecting the bullets, and continue forward. The seven remaining elves, and their commander continue to sprint and dodge forward, the commander is somehow projecting a magical shield that is protecting him.

Clarkson gives the play by play, _"And their off! May's vim was apparently insufficient to discourage attack. Three are down, three are down! But the rest continue the charge. Damn those trolls look invulnerable. Just look how the tracer rounds are bouncing off those shields. The Mau Duce is capable of penetrating 1/2 inch of armor so you can just imagine how thick and heavy those shields must be". _

_**"ROCKETS!"**_ Screams May.

Three riflemen in the trenches raise their AT4 854mm light anti tank launchers to their shoulders, aim and fire. Three streaks of flame and smoke go downrange and impact three shields. Both trolls are blown apart, but the ogre actually survives relativity intact; apart from a rather large hole in his shield. Two more elves go down.

_"And the trolls are toast!"_ shouts Hammond.

Clarkson continues, _"Down and out I'd say. That blasted ogre is going to be trouble though. Incredible that he's still standing, let alone able to fight. Look! He's grabbed the bottom half of one of the trolls and shoved it into the hole in his shield. Quick thinking but I don't think even a troll's ass can deflect firepower of that magnitude ". _

_**"AGAIN!"**_ Screams May.

Again three streaks of flame and smoke go downrange all aimed at the ogre while the 50 Cal and one of the light machine guns also focus on the ogre . Clarkson's analysis proves correct. A troll's ass is unable to prevent that kind of penetration. But only two of the rockets detonate.

_"Misfire!"_ screams Clarkson. _"We have a misfire! The ogre is down, missing that right arm has got to hurt. The failed round is... well lodged in an indelicate place I see". _

Hammond added a comment as well_ "Ouch, not proper that"._

We see a close up of the trolls ass, or what little remains of it. The rocket is logged in it like a demonic proctological probe gone bad, smoke and flames still venting from the rear of the rocket.

The five remaining elves and their commander have just about reached the trenches when May screams his last command.

_**"CLAYMORES"!**_

"With a horrific thunder the nine claymore mines detonate at point blank range. Over 3600 steel balls fan out like a shrapnel cloud from hell. And with that the battle was over. Very over.

Clarkson is left speechless for a few seconds. _"Impressive"_ he finally mutters. _"Most impressive. Richard, remind me to never piss off Mr. May when he has that kind of ordnance". _

Richard looks at the smoking field of carnage. The one armed ogre can be seen to get to his feet and run away. _"Right. Definite agreement. Umm, what's the score"?_

"_Hmm"_ Clarkson tries to do the math, _"That's minus 28 for the attack, but the ogre did run away in the end so lets call it minus 27". "I can live with that" _agrees Richard while nodding his head.

_"Now ammo. I have no idea how many rounds they just fired, but at minus 0.01 per round let's call it... minus two hundred and fifty"._ _"Most fair, most fair"_ Richard sagely agrees again.

Yana wanders over from where she was flirting with the tank crew (yes slightly out of character for those who know her but keep in mind that she is on vacation) and surveys the ruin. _"Damn, they had all the fun"._

Richard and Clarkson exchange glances of mild concern over her statement.

Much much later:

Hammond and May are now standing well off to the side with the scoreboard. Jeremy's convertible, the top is down, can be seen driving onto the field with Yana. The field has been cleaned up so May's mess is no longer present. May and Hammond are discussing the situation.

_"I don't see how he's still alive, much less so confident"_ Hammond complains. _"So his car is fast, that certainly helped yesterday when he left us in the lurch, but how can he possible think he's getting out of this"?_

_"Something not right, he's too confident"_ hypothesizes May as he glares. _"Yes he's pompous, bombastic, practices poor hygiene and is ignorant to a fault. But... he's not blindly stupid. He knows something we don't". _

_"Oh ick!_" Hammond suddenly cried. 

_"What" _May asked looking around in some panic.

"_Sorry mate" _Hammond apologizes "_Stepped in some ogre bits, yuck". _

_"What the hell? He's driving half way to the curtain" _May declared.

Voice of Clarkson _"And then it was our turn to taunt death"._

Indeed, Clarkson has driven to within 50 yards of the curtain before he parks the Aston Martin. He steps out of the car, puts on a dark green British hunting hat with a rakish tilt, draws his 9mm Beretta and strikes up a sideways James Bond poise while leaning against the driver's side of the car. Yana likewise gets out of the car, still wearing yesterday's black gown (freshly laundered somehow). For some reason she has no problem walking on soggy grassy ground while wearing high heels. She ends up poised sideways on the bonnet of the car (that's the hood for you yanks) with a confident come hither look aimed at the curtain. Even at this distance you can tell that her eyes are blue. Clarkson issues a confident single word command to start the test.

_"Begin"._

The curtain vanishes. The assault group could be seen quickly scanning the field. They at first appear to not quite believe that the car in front of them is the real target so they continue to scan the field looking for the true target. After a few seconds they start to laugh and point at the two humans. The elvish commander grins and raised his right hand to order the group forward but then appears puzzled and slowly lowers his hand. He makes some gestures in the air that end with the spreading of finger and thumb (i.e. like how you zoom in on an image on your cell phone). The blue elf's skin suddenly goes pale, while at the same time Yana can be seen gesturing with her index finger for them to come closer, she no longer has a come hither look but instead has something more... predatory. The elf spreads both arms wide which somehow appears to gift his companions with whatever he is seeing. As one they all turn180 degrees and flee.

_"That's not possible"_ May declares. _"Their running away! He must have bribed them or something"_.

Clarkson looks insufferably smug as he and Yana get back in the car and drive over to where Richard and May are standing.

_"I think that's 28 points and the win for me"_ he declares as he gets out of the car.

_"You utterly cheating bastard" _May fumes with a look of contempt, _"I almost got butchered out there and you just stroll about like it's a big joke. Just how the hell did you accomplish that"? _

_One word May, just one word" _Clarkson answered. _"Commitment. Look at this car, look at this young woman. This was not about manly valor in battle, it was about commitment. Fail to measure up to the car and her standards and there would be hell to pay, believe me I know. Your average monster baddie is dreadfully afraid of commitment, rather like a 12 year old boy at his first dance. They just didn't have the stones for it" _Jeremy concludes while tidying up his hair, _"It's all about the vim as it were". _

_"Bollocks" _May fires back.

Clarkson continues in a lecturing tone while waving his special pointing finger about_._

_"Hammond looked like some kind of dragon on the field projecting menace and violence. For all we know pink is the color of aggression here. Yana and I dared attack thereby defeating them with our extreme vim. You and yours dug in waiting to be assaulted, positively inviting attack. Mind you I heartily approve of your use of rockets and claymores. Beautiful and vivid bit of destruction that was. As you know I maintain most problems can always be solved with high explosives and by Jove you demonstrated that quite well"._

May pulled out his own special wagging finger and was about to start on a fourteen point detailed diatribe when a man in a white lab coat walked up and gave him an envelope. May opens the envelope, briefly reads it, hands it to Hammond and storms off.

Clarkson sighs and utters "_Well, I see Mays a bit put out. Hammond what do the producers say". _

_"In 10 minutes a portal to Alfheim, the Realm of the light elves, will open. You are to take the road shown and enjoy what is left of the day. Additional instructions will be had at the inn of the silver lily. Alfheim is a light and peaceful place so try not to set it on fire or otherwise be a nuisance. But be carefully, even light places have their dangers. _


	6. Chapter 6

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: Been a while since I wrote some Top Gear X. Yes the prior chapter was again a bit bloody for a Top Gear episode (ok ok way over the top). This is more of a setup chapter as we transition to the realms of light. Oh, and a bit more on how Clarkson met Yana.

Again as always comments **really** wanted.

**Part 7: Waiting for the road into the realms of light**

May stomped off to his vehicle (his chaps were milling around the back hatch and started to load up). He looked at the camera as he walks around his vehicle inspecting its condition.

_"I'm sorry gentile viewers but this was a complete cock-up. Hammond and I honestly competed in this farce of a challenge, which I might add almost resulted in death of me and mine; only to have Clarkson literally just walk away with it for no discernable reason". _

May kicks one of the tires in frustration and now starts to hop about having hurt his foot (These tires are meant to take hostile fire, they are very solid).

_"Blast it! Now I've gone and stubbed my toe"!_

We leave May to his bitter ruminations. Hammond and his chaps are in the process of climbing back into the tank where as Clarkson and Illyana are already sitting in the Vanquish Volante (the top is still down).

Clarkson begins to go over some of the Aston Martin's details as they 's note, Clarkson's review of the Volante here is in part taken from his article** Drives on water and raises Lazarus in 4.1 seconds.**

_"So what does 215ish thousands pounds get you? Well not as much as you might think. The boot is rather small, to be honest almost non existent, after the roof folds away; fine for holding a few biscuit tins but that's about it. As I've said before the suspension is bone-hard, a common failing of many super cars. May has a theory about that, too much tuning for race tracks and not enough thought as to the actual age of who can afford such toys; and I have to say I agree"._

_"Then", _he has the camera pan behind him by adjusting the Go-Pro and pushes a button that has the roof fold up.

_"The roof has seemingly been designed specifically to make everything behind your head invisible. At an oblique junction the only way you can pull out safely is by having a deep and fervent belief in God. I mean just look at it, or to be precise, look at the inability to look. Nothing but roof and pillar and just a little tiny bit of view". _ Clarkson now hits the button again the roof folds back down.

_"Although it's largely made from carbon fiber, it's a heavy car, and it gets all bolshie and uninterested when you push it hard. The tires won't last very well either on a track. After three laps they lose their bite and you end up with 300 yards of dreary understeer. And the gearbox, a smooth-changing automatic, doesn't much like to be hurried. Taking this car on a track? It's as wrong as playing rugby in a dinner jacket". _

_"For this car they used black leather on the insides which at least is not a garish color choice, but black on black makes everything just a smidgen hard to see. Black seats. Black dash. Black dials. Black body. Black roof. Black carpets. Black trim. Black evening gown. It's like living in a black hole. Still, it does not prevent the discerning car reviewer from noticing that the interior of this supposedly brand-new car is a bit old-fashioned"._

_"Which, of course, it is. Aston is a small company with limited resources. It simply doesn't have the £500m you need to design a new air-conditioning system, or £200m for a new instrument binnacle. So it keeps having to fit the same stuff it used in the previous car. The sat nav is new(ish), and while it's better than the original setup, the screen does look a bit like the sort of drawing that proud parents put on a fridge door". _

_"Aston's German competitors simply have deeper pockets for all kinds things. I swear Mercedes has an entire group devoted to just small knobs. The group is called the Abteilung für kleine Automobilknöpfe department". _

_"And I think that's enough now. I could give you a thousand reasons for not buying this car. I could tell you that a Ferrari 458 Italia is better, and that this isn't even the best Aston. The Vantage S holds that crown. But I'm afraid there's no getting round the fact that I love it. And the main reason I love it is: you love it even more"._

_Most super cars upset the anti car nutters and greenies. You're wrecking the planet. The poor polar bears are going to starve or drown. And then there is the class envy that makes ruffians out of supposedly good people so that they key your car. But this car. Well, it makes everyone happy. Everybody loves an Aston. Especially the ladies. Yana would you agree"?_

Yana just smiled at the camera and stretched out in the seat in her tight form revealing black evening gown. The BBC would later receive several complaints over that stretch _(To the BBC. Sirs, I see we have resorted to vulgar displays of raw sexuality to boast your ratings. When will the BBC realize that people want honest reviews of cars they can afford and stop all this foolish dashing about. Back in my day we...)._ On the other hand Aston Martin attributed at least 25 car sales to that one scene (I want the car that the hot blond liked) and desperately tried to contact Yana to do some car modeling (she wasn't interested).

_So that's why I chose it for this trip. So who cares if it's expensive, or not as fast as it should be? Who cares that the instruments are now a bit old fashioned and that you can't see out of the back if the roof is up? Why worry about fuel consumption or how the gearbox works or why there's understeer? This is a car that makes people like you and that's not bad". _

_"Ahh I see that once again a portal has opened". Jerry grabbed the microphone._

Jeremy radios _"__**I'll go first this time. Recommend that May go second and Hammond go third. That way the road ruination created by his giant pink girthy bender will be behind us rather than under our wheels".**_

Another large oval hole in the fabric of space had opened. The sky in the other realm appears to be a light pink. Clarkson turns on the engine and drives off into the oval with a bit of wheel spin. May followed (again his torso was protruding from the turret) and followed by Hammond (who's torso was alto protruding from the turret of his tank).

**Part 8: Alfheim**

They all emerge onto a well maintained road, wide and smooth with gradual curves. The landscape is a kind of gentle rolling hills with various glades of woods scattered about separated by unkempt meadows of grass and wildflowers. The sky was a soft blueish pink intermixed with streaky white clouds.

Hammond radios _**"Well this is different. Nicer then the other place. Less swampy for one".**_

May radios_** "Humidly is down as well. Quite nice in fact. Recommend we copy Clarkson, apart from being a right cheating bastard, and open up the tops". **_

Clarkson rolls his eyes at the camera at May's statement. _'Suppose he's going to be in a snit the rest of the day. Hopefully he's over it by morning. Should be better then Argentina though. If I had a pound for every time he went on and on about his back, his ribs, the pain; well I'd be able to buy this car with it". _

Hammond agrees and we see the driver's hatch and the gun loader's hatch open on the tank. The tank driver's head can now be seen protruding from the front of the tank and the torso of the gun loader is projecting out his hatch. On May's vehicle four hatches open in the back and four of the six combat squad's torsos also now protrude.

Hammond radios _**"This is much nicer. Rather like Yorkshire with some dales in the distance".**_

May radios _**"Hopefully safer".**_

_"It's not". _Yana was leaning a bit out the left side of the car with her head in the slipstream; her eyes closed and hair a twirl in the breeze.

_"What was that Yana?" _Clarkson asked.

_"It's not safer" _Yana spoke softly eyes still closed, enjoying the breeze_. "It's nicer on the surface, but the threats can be more subtle. Svartalfheim is more... obvious in its dangers; more blatant in its intentions. Alfheim is... pleasant. But while the dangers, the ills it can cause, may sometimes be more accidental then deliberate the results are still the same". _

Hammond radios_**"Looks quite undeveloped here, but the roads good". **_

Clarkson radios_**"Well, we're looking for the inn of the silver lily. I hope they have a sign or something. Keep your eyes peeled, just because it looks nice doesn't make it safe. Oh and Hammond...". **_

Hammond radios_**"What". **_

Clarkson radios_**"Still in first gear".**_

Hammond looks at the camera and apes Jeremy _"Still in first gear. Well sorry mate a tanks a bit slow". _

Clarkson radios_**"Hammond...". **_

Hammond radios_**"Now what". **_

Clarkson is grinning. Clarkson radios_**"It appears that you've found a companion to that other car you have. I believe you named it Oliver. Bit of an odd couple the two of them will make. Oliver and the Drake, sounds like a show you could do". **_

Hammond again looks at the camera and dramatically sighs.

Clarkson is now busy laughing. Up ahead there is an odd road sign. It is a large grey rock slab with strange and unreadable red writing. He asks Yana a question.

_"Yana can read what that sign says"?_

Yana opens her eyes and pulls her head back into the car. She squints at the rapidly approaching sign.

_"Unicorn Fields". _

_"Hmm, a town by chance"?_

_"No. Caution sign". _

Clarkson radios_**"Gent's be on the lookout for... well unicorns or some such".**_

May radios_**"And you know this how"? **_

Clarkson radios_**"Sign we just passed. Apparently Yana reads...". **_Clarkson takes his thumb off of the push to talk transmit button on the mike.

_"Yana, what language was that"?_

_"Low elvish". _

Clarkson radios_**"Hungarian".**_

May looks slightly confused. "_That doesn't look like any signs I've ever seen in Hungry before". _

As the little convoy continues down the road they find that they were at apparently on the top of some kind of mesa. They stop at the edge of the mesa. They find the road is leading down the side of the mesa into a valley of glades and meadows with scattered ponds and large streams. The read goes down into the valley but does not climb out of the valley into the hills on the far side.

The view is... impressive. The pinkish blue sky is scattered light white and golden clouds and three moons are just starting to creep over the horizon. The green of the glades is a deep and vibrant emerald green. Clarkson gets on the radio.

Clarkson radios _**"Now that's impressive gents". **_

May radios_** "I must say I have to agree. Absolutely splendid". **_

Hammond radios_** "Concur as well. That's just... well vibrant is a word I'd use". **_

Clarkson pulls out his iPhone and starts to fumble with it. _"Need a song for this"_ he mumbles _"Ahh here we go"._

The little convoy resumes its journey to the song What a wonderful world by Louis Armstrong.

I see trees of green,  
red roses too.  
I see them bloom,  
for me and you.  
And I think to myself,  
what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue,  
And clouds of white.  
The bright blessed day,  
The dark sacred night.  
And I think to myself,  
What a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow,  
So pretty in the sky.

...

...

As the convoy descends from the top of the mesa Clarkson steals a glance at Yana. She alone doesn't appear very entranced with the view, instead she's staring at the car stereo with a slightly perplexed expression as if trying to make out some hidden meanings in the song.

_"What an odd girl" _Clarkson thinks as he recollects how they met.

**Reflection Yana part A**

Clarkson was on the phone bemoaning his ongoing bitter divorce, continual BBC interference with Top Gear, Brussels, and just what vehicle/team he was going to pick for the upcoming inter-dimensional road trip. Hank was, as always, being a good listener. When Jeremy was in an emotional mood and had his druthers up it was best to let him vent for awhile. Finally Jeremy asked Hank a question.

_"So Hank, what do you thinks is better for the trip? A 155mm self propelled howitzer with an SAS commando team or an Israeli tank with a SAS commando team"? _

_"Um neither"_Hank replied._"Both sound, well kind of boring. You're Jeremy Clarkson, you should be doing something outrageous". _Hank was trying to boaster Clarkson's self image as Jeremy had been quite down in the dumps when he had called Hank.

_"Like what"?_

_"I don't know, you're the writing genius. Throw a curve ball and show up in something massively inappropriate". _

_"You mean in an actual car"?_

_"Why not"._

_"Because I'll die. The instructions were quite clear. While the Ex, and some BBC executives, would heartedly approve I'm a bit down on the idea". _

_"Hmm" _Hank murmured._ "Yes and no. The instructions were quite specific as to the dangers but I think you're not thinking outside the box as in how to address the risks". _

_"In what way"._

_"You're focusing on a traditional crew makeup with means military. Why not get somebody... well powered to go with you. Then you could go in a Range Rover or something"._

_"Well, why not a sports car if it's flights of fancy now"._

_"Now that would be outrageous. Definite Clarkson moment that". _

Hank could hear the gears turning over in Clarkson's brain.

_"Hmm, that could work. But who to pick? Captain Britons right out. He's always hogging the camera, drinks like a fish, and is frankly a total boor. I've already got two annoying blokes on the show, don't need a third". _

_"Hmm" _a glimmer of an idea was emerging in Hanks head (which if you knew Hank was usually a bad idea_). "It's inter-dimensional into mythical and magical realms. I would say take a female magical entity with dimensional knowledge". _

Clarkson's tone was sarcastic_ "Right. I'll just pop down to BBC central casting and order one up. Or do you by chance just happen to have one sitting around that I can borrow"?_

Hank glanced over to the other side of his lab where Illyana was sitting in a medical examination chair for her weekly medial tests and one of her three times a week physiological counseling sessions.

_"Umm. I'll give you a call in a few hours". _

**Reflection Yana part B**

_"Well this should at least be interesting"_Clarkson thought to himself as he waited for Hank to arrive for lunch. He was sitting at a table for four at Hem's, a small restaurant in Westminster close by Parliament. Small and rather exclusive (read expensive and snobby).

Clarkson was a bit early but Hank arrived right on time. You'd think an almost 7 foot tall blue furred man wearing a suit and glasses would get at least a double look from the wait staff but not at Hem's. Hank was escorted to Jeremy's table and the two embraced like the friends they were.

_"Good to see you Hank. I thought you were in the States when I called yesterday"?_

_"I was. I had my... acquaintance bring me over here to meet with you". _

_"Bring? As in poof you're in London"?_

_"Well more flash then poof but yes". _

The waiter brought two menus and two drinks, Jeremy had already ordered the drinks. A pint of dark bitter for Hank, and a pint of nutty brown ale for himself.

_"So Hank, you really think this young lady of yours is up for a trip like this"?_

Hank inspected the menu (Roast Venison, triple portion was his selection, with young potatoes; and an order of mussels in a light white wine sauce with garlic). "_Yes. We've got more... well physically violent types but I think she's a much better pick. You do remember Wolverine right"?_

_"The Canadian bloke who drank everybody under the table? What a night that was, the bleary parts I can remember that is. How on earth did we end up at the top of Big Ben"? _Clarkson picked the roast grouse from the menu.

_"She understands where you're going, knows the lay of the land, and can take care of herself and you". _

_"Are you sure? My ass is on the line and I've become quite attached to it. Say, when did you start eating mussels? I thought you hated most shellfish"? _

_"I do, the mussels are for her"._

_"Well where is she"?_

Suddenly there was a very attractive young blond woman sitting at the left hand of Clarkson in what had been one of the two unoccupied chairs at the table. She was wearing a simple white blouse/shirt and a pair of elegant jeans. Luckily Clarkson had just put down his drink or he would have spilled it everywhere.

_"Yaaaaaa"!_ Clarkson mildly bellowed in surprise. _"What the blazes"?!_

Hank rolled his eyes. _"Jeremy Clarkson I'd like to introduce you to..."._

Illyana finished the sentence _"Yana"._

Hank glared at Yana. _"I apologize. She's recently picked up the rather annoying hobby of trying to startle people. Especially the ninjas". _

Yana smiled. Clarkson noticed that it was a rather nice smile but it really didn't reach the eyes._ "They're always such fun to startle. They're so used to being the sneekie that they forget they can be snuck up upon". _

Clarkson was somewhat at a loss for words (something that Hammond would have paid to see). _"Isn't that... well dangerous"?_

Yana replied _"They mostly shout at me or run away"._

Clarkson was intrigued._ "And the ones that don't". _

Yana smiled that smile again._ "Well, those I get to have some fun with"._

Clarkson was intrigued. Very intrigued.

**Back to our top gear story in progress**

Clarkson's Yana reflections were interrupted by a shout from May over the radio.

May radios _"__**Over there to the right, by that pond. Those look like Unicorns".**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: The unavoidable mayhem that follows the trio. Plus more info on Clarkson/Yana. Prize for whoever can figure out who is in the taxi before I publish the next chapter.

**Part 9: Road hazards in the realms of light**

Clarkson looked to his right as he slows down. They were currently driving through an area of small ponds and fields of lush grass and small bushes, some of which had little white flowers, others blue or red berries.

Over by a small pond were three foal sized miniature horses, each with an ivory horn. They appeared to only be about waist high (i.e. the size of really big goats). Two were sitting down by the pond and one was standing and watching them from behind a bush (its head was hanging over the bush and the body was behind the bush).

These were not your traditional white Unicorns, instead their coat was more of a shinny silvery white. They each had a little tuff of white hair beneath their chins. They were small but magnificent.

Clarkson radios _**"Hmm, Hammond sized I see".**_

Hammond radios _**"Just had to say that did you. Must be young ones".**_

May radios _**"Can't be young ones. They have a horn. Don't think the momma would be very happy with a horn during birth".**_

Hammond radios _**"Umm, maybe the horn is flexible"?**_

Clarkson stops his car and the others stop as well behind him.

May radios _**"Maybe they're just small or the horn grows after their born".**_

Hammond radios _**"Something's not right. I always envisioned Unicorns as bigger, more horse like . You know, like in those Harry Potter films".**_

Clarkson radios _**"Hammond that's pretend, this is the real world".**_

Hammond looks at the camera with an ironic expression.

May radios _**"Hmm, You'd have thought all the noise from the tank would has spooked them or something". **_

Hammond radios_** "Hang on one, I'll have the driver turn off the engine". **_

May does the same. Blissful silence returns to the little glade.

There is a small grove of trees behind the pond, another Unicorn comes slowly walking out of the woods. It is the same size as the others, however its face is matted with blood.

Hammond radios _**"Look, there's another one and I think its hurt".**_

Yana stands up in the car and squints to take a closer look. Then she sits back down and extracts some book from the glove box. She starts to examine the contents, switching from page to page.

Clarkson radios _**"Must have been attacked. Hammond you know about horses. Your wife has a few on that farm of yours".**_

The bloody Unicorn is now standing by the two that are sitting. They start to lick the blood off its face.

Hammond radios _**"I ring the vet for that. Might May go over and have a look"?**_

May radios_** "Why me". **_

Clarkson radios_** "Well... it's like this James. Richards and I have both been with the female persuasion so we don't qualify as virgins. Were as you... well I think those other activities don't really count". **_

Hammond is now snickering.

May radios with scorn _**"Ha ha ha you utter prat. You know bloody damn well that I have know the pleasures of woman, both past and current".**_

Hammond radios_** "Umm, as fun as it is to poke James... ahhh".**_ He looks at the camera _"Can't believe I just said that"._

Now Clarkson has the giggles and May just looks cross.

Hammond radios "_**What I mean to say is that the hurt Unicorn, the one with all the blood, looks remarkable unhurt". **_

We look again at the hurt Unicorn, there are only a few specs of blood left on its face and it looks uninjured. Yana points to a page in the book and gives it to Clarkson. He puts on his reading glasses and gives it a quick scan.

May radios _**"Might their salvia have healing properties? I read somewhere once that Unicorn horn cancels out poisons".**_

Hammond radios _**"To quote the big orangutan, I think that was Harry Potter as well". **_

Clarkson radios_** "Ummm... Gents I think we might have a slight problem here. I think these are not traditional Unicorns". **_

May radios_** "So what are they? Sleek and graceful goats"? **_

Clarkson radios_** "No, they are, I believe, Unicornis minima carnivorous or small carnivorous Unicorns".**_

The two sitting Unicorns get up and all four Unicorns start walking towards the vehicles.

Hammond Radios _**"And you know this how".**_

Clarkson radios _**"It's in the guide book".**_

May radios_** "What guide book"? **_

The Unicorns have now halved the distance. The solders on May's vehicles pop back down into their troop transport area and close their hatches. The tank driver closes his hatch and the tank loader retreats into the tank and closes his hatch as well.

Clarkson radios _**"The idiot's guide to the nine realms. Has a whole chapter on each realm". **_

Hammond radios_** "And where did you get that"?**_

Clarkson radios_** "I'll explain later, but for now I think we should be elsewhere". **_

One of the Unicorns locks eyes with Yana. They both stare at each other for a few seconds, then the Unicorn apparently decides that the tank looks like easier prey and the heads off towards the tank leading the other Unicorns.

May and Hammond retreat inside their respective vehicles. The tank and recon vehicles engines rumble to life causing the ears to lie back on the Unicorns heads.

Hammond radios _**"Why are they bothering me? Clarkson is over there out in the open and he's all nice and tasty. Well marbled and easy pickings". **_

Clarkson radios_** "I said it before. Vim". **_

With that the little convoy resumes motion. The Unicorns are trotting next to the tank looking like they were searching for weak spot.

May radios _**"Relax Richard, you're in a tank. What can they do"? **_

Well... it turn out quite a bit. Unicorn horn is tough, very tough. One Unicorn trotting on the left side of the tank lunges to its right and stabs the side of the tank. Instead of the horn bouncing off it penetrates the side of the tank like butter leaving a nice little hole. The horn penetrated the driver's compartment but did no harm other then scaring the crap out of him (definite brown trouser moment).

May radios _**"Bloody hell, sucker just stabbed the tank".**_

Hammond radios in a panicky voice_** "And put a hole in it! Almost got the driver. Shoot. Shoot the bloody things. We can't depress our guns enough"! **_

May remotely swivels the 50 cal machine gun and opens fire. He misses but this appears to startle the Unicorns and two of them back off. One stops and stares at May's vehicles while one leaps onto the tank and stabs downward but only impales one of the reactive armor plates which gets stuck on the horn. The Unicorn starts shaking its head trying to dislodge the plate but it's stuck fast. The Unicorn jumps off the tank and continues to shake its head.

May primes the 30mm Gatling gun as he traverses the turret. The Unicorn staring at May's vehicle start to charge at the vehicle, horn lowered. May fires the 30mm and... well no more Unicorn. Gone. Poof. Vaporized. He's dead Jim.

The Unicorn with the reactive armor plate finally shakes the plate free and then pounces on it with both front (oh did I mention very very sharp) hooves. Turns out to be a bad idea as the impact triggers the reactive armor's shaped charge. The detonation throws the remaining half of a Unicorn into the air (tumbling in slow motion) will the rest turned into red mist.

The other two Unicorns assess the sudden reversal of fortune and then like any good pack hunter decide that the prey is not worth the price. They quickly run off.

The little convoy speeds off. Yana glances behind the car at the departing Unicorns. _"As I said. Alfheim has its dangers as well its attractions". _

**Reflection Yana part C**

_"Ok, she can handle guns"_ Clarkson thought to himself. Clarkson had taken Yana to the gun range he frequented when he was in London (private range, he was a member). Clarkson had demonstrated the 9mm Berretta and the AK-47. Then he had handed the weapons over to Yana.

Yana had examined the firearms and then proceeded to demonstrate a high level of proficiency. She had a proper pistol shooting stance (Gun control means using both hands folks) and had switched the AK-47 to three round auto. She had blasted away at the various targets with an almost disinterested expression. She was a good shot.

Clarkson found himself getting... well slightly aroused, and embarrassed about getting aroused.

After finishing up with the auto shotgun Yana had given Clarkson an apprising look. _"Scott likes everybody to be... versatile. Next test please"._

Ok she can shoot, but can she kill? Where they were going was very dangerous. How would she handle herself if the situation turned nasty?

A very short time later:

_"Check that box, she can kill"_ Clarkson thought as he examined the pile of demon bodies. _"Um double check it and underline it in red ink. Hmm, red __**BOLD**__ ink. She does magic and travels through dimensions. And she's a looker. Bloody marvelous. If I was thirty year younger I'd..."._ He gave it some extra thought _"likely be wetting myself about now". _

Clarkson asked the next question on the check sheet._ "Yana, do you like sports cars"?_

**Part 10: Let's get the hell out of here**

The little convoy drove as fast as the tank would go as they traversed the gently winding road. The road followed the little valley instead of climbing the hills on either side. The tank traversed its turrets as the gunner scanned for hostiles while both May and Hammond were once again protruding from the tops of their turrets scanning the surroundings as well.

Everybody looked concerned and on edge, everybody except Yana who had her head back into the slip stream and was enjoying the wind in her hair.

After a few miles (with Clarkson occasionally radioing scathing comments about the speed, or lack there of, of Hammonds tank and Hammond making comments about what an easy target a certain car made) a small wall was seen, there was a gap where the road went through the wall. There was a another sign by the wall in the same written language that nobody other then Yana could read.

May radios (as they drive through the gap in the wall) _**"What does the sign say"? **_

Clarkson looks to his left to Yana with a questioning look? Yana answers and Clarkson radios the answer.

Clarkson radios _**"Thank you for visiting. If you can read this then you didn't feed the Unicorns". **_

Hammond radios_** "Ha, Ha, Ha. So not funny. Beginning to not like it here". **_

Unnoticed, there is a small sign on the other side of the wall that faces those traversing the wall from the other direction. **Endangered Unicorn preserve. Enter at your own risk. Poachers will be punished. **

The little convoy continues but now the landscape becomes more developed. Little plots of land under cultivations. Groves of nut and fruit trees, small rows of grapes and other berries yielding plants. Occasionally an elf could be seen working in the fields, although working would be implying effort and they appeared to be mostly just casually picking stuff (elves have a green thumb, everything just grows the way they want).

Small odd birds could be seen fluttering about the trees and bushes. They looked... well they fluttered to fast to really get a good look but one would swear that they looked humanish with big wings.

The sense of urgency slowly receded and Clarkson's mind began to wander, recollecting another road trip he had recently taken.

**Reflection Yana part D**

_"I'm... restless and in need of new social interactions; or so Hank thinks. He believes that meeting new people that lack any preconceived notions about me would be good. Plus your trip sounds fun". _Yana had just answered Jeremy's question as to why she was interested in the trip.

The two were driving in a Jaguar convertible sports car in the Scottish highlands. This was more of a test as to how Yana liked driving about and if Clarkson would find her tolerable (he found her to be quite tolerable).

Jeremy had learned various things about Yana. She liked to dance, made her forget about things for a while was how she put it; what things she did not say. She also disliked crowds and amusement parks, apparently rollercoasters and rides did not exist where she grew up. Really disliked rollercoasters. She had apparently barfed all over some fellow named Roberto the first and only time she went on one; which apparently she believed he deserved as it was his idea in the first place.

Yana was a also a good if not quite sympathetic listener, she was not very inclined to talk about herself, but instead was content to mostly listen to Jeremy rattle on about various topics. This ended up being very good for Jeremy as he was currently in a rather unpleasant personal situation with his problems with the BBC and the ongoing divorce and needed somebody to talk to. Interestingly, and refreshing as well, she showed no interest in celebrityism or what it was like to be famous.

The three days they had been driving about had been nothing short of fantastic. They had started in London and had made record time on the roads to Scotland. The best road days Jeremy could recall. Never a traffic jam, the lights always appeared to want to be green, nor a police car in sight. And for some funny reason all of the speed monitoring cameras was non functional. Bloody marvelous.

On the third day Clarkson has suddenly realized he had not seen a Peugeot on the road the entire time. Proof he thought about his belief that Peugeot drivers were the cause of most road problems. Proof! Now if he could just convince parliament to round up all Peugeot drivers than Brittan would be safe.

_"And the likely impending mayhem, if the producers are to be believed, does not concern you"?_

_"Been there, did that, didn't even get the tee-shirt; although I suppose it would be in poor taste to actually have that tee-shirt". _

Sometimes Clarkson had no idea what she was talking about.

_"I must say these three days have been quite fun Yana. Not a paparazzi in sight"._

_"Yessss..." _Yana had that grin again, the one that did not reach the eyes._ "I like my privacy as well. Never did like vermin". _

Jeremy had been concerned about the paparazzi and the likely headlines, he could just see them now (Jeremy robs the cradle in divorce spat) (Clarkson hooks up with Russian blond bimbo younger than his daughter) (Clarkson sex romp in Scotland). However Yana had assured him that there would be no media coverage. Jeremy had given Hank a sarcastic look but Hank had assured Jeremy that Yana could deliver on her word.

Did she ever.

It started out in London, for some strange reason bus and trucks apparently could no longer see cars driven by paparazzi. Nothing too damaging but they were swept off the roads as if they were flies being shooed away. Also their cameras no longer worked right; memory cards would malfunction, other cars would get in the way blocking a shot. One photographer actually had a bird land inside of his telephoto lens's sun hood and crap in it after first blocking the shot.

News of Jeremy's drive with a young blond had at first spread thought out the paparazzi community and gossip news organizations like wildfire. Get us actual proof was the direction. Photos! The results were disappointing to say the least. Driving around (nothing). Eating in a café (nothing). Checking into a hotel each night, yes they had separate rooms, (nothing). Interview people they interacted with (nothing, ?Who? was the common response? Never heard of him).

One enterprising fellow had setup a photo blind on one of the Scottish roads that Jeremy loved to drive on. He was all set to get the shot when... well let's have him and his editor describe it. We see a gossip news editor in his office, behind his desk sitting in a chair, talking on his cell phone with the fellow. The phone is up against his left ear.

_"Right, so you mean to tell me that just as you were about to take the shot a dog comes up and knocks over your tripod. What's that"?_

You can hear mumbled words from the other end of the phone call.

_"Oh not a dog but a bloody big wolf. Right, a wolf. You do know they've been extinct in England for centuries". _

More mumbled words.

_"I don't give a two shits about your excuses I want you to..."._

Suddenly the editor felt hot moist breath on his neck and heard a growl. He froze and slowly tilted his head to the left and looked over his shoulder. A Fing big wolf was sitting behind him and growling, sucker must have been over three feet high at the shoulder. The wolf opened his jaws and carefully grasped the cell phone from the editor's frozen left hand, then the wolf ate the phone (he noisily chewed it first before swallowing).

The editor promptly wet himself closed his eyes and waited to die. Nothing happened. He cracked open one eye, the wolf was gone. He felt a vibration in his right pocked as his backup phone rang. It was the photographer he had been talking to, he was trying to explain that the wolf had then pissed all over the camera and had walked off with the camera bag.

_"Never mind. Assignment cancelled. Really cancelled. I'll fire you if you try to take another photo of Clarkson". _

He hung up the phone and then tried to figure out what to do about the wet chair and his pants.

We return to the Clarkson/Yana Scotland drive:

_"So what happened to them"?_

_"There're alive and unhurt, well mostly unhurt, the really persistent ones are getting personal attention from some of my critters. Other then that I think they're reconsidering their choice of targets"._

Jeremy chuckled remembering one incident he has seen._ "God. I pity that taxi. They're never going to get the smell out". _

Yana found that paparazzi were almost as fun as ninjas.


	8. Chapter 8

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: This chapter bit more... well Top Gear like (with some nudity tossed in for fun). Plus the conclusion of how Clarkson met Yana. Well nobody has hazarded a guess about the taxi so I guess you'll all have to just read the short stories I'll be posting in a few days.

**Part 11: Barbies gone wild**

With a loud whack a pixie hit the windshield startling Clarkson out of his recollections about Yana. The body was flung over the windshield and ended up landing spread eagled upon Clarkson's face. The pixie's head was buried in Clarkson's receding hairline, her (yes it was a her) prominent breasts were pressed into his forehead above his bushy eye brows and her as… well her tush was at the end of his nose. Her very naked tush.

"_Bloody hell"_ Clarkson bellowed as he swerved all over the road. _"I think I just killed Tinkerbelle"! _

"_Pixies are tougher then they look"_ Yana mildly commented. _"Here, let me get her off your face and take a look". _

Yana gently plucked the naked red haired pixie from Clarkson's face, leaving a spot of blood on Jeremy's forehead. The pixie's body lay lifeless in Yana's hands, her face rather bloody.

"_I knew it, she's dead",_ Clarkson muttered. _"Bollocks, now what"?_

"_She's not dead, just stunned. Takes more than that to kill a pixie. They look soft but just try to cut one and you'll find their skins tough as old leather. Their bones are mostly cartilage and very flexible"._

Yana brought the pixie closer to her eyes for better examination. _"Her clan tattoos indicate that she's a member of the fern flame clan, and she is currently unwed. She's a redhead so she's going to be extra pissed when she wakes up. Do you have any sugar or alcohol we might offer her as an apology"?_

"_Umm, I have a flack in the backpack in the back seat"._

Yana commenced rummaging in the back seat with her right arm while holding the pixie with her left hand. _"Found it. What's in it?"_

"_40 year old Dalmore, single malt scotch"._

"_Should suffice". _

The pixie began to cough and the wings began to flutter with a hum like a bumble bee.

"_There there little one" _Yana crooned.

The pixie opened her eyes and looked up from Yana's left hand to Yana's face. She sat up and began to complain in an unknown language. Yana translated.

"_She's very pissed. Thinks that you are a very bad driver. Going way too fast and putting up a transparent shield was mean. She had no idea it was there until she hit it face first". _

The pixie starts to rub her bloody nose. Yana waved the flask and spoke in the same language. The pixie answered.

"_Says that it will take more than a minor bribe to make her happy; but she does claim the flask as the start of recompense. Says that it had better be good". _

"_Oh it's good alright" _Clarkson muttered._ "Please offer my most sincere apologies. I'm frightfully sorry"._

Yana unscrewed the little cup from the top of the flask and filled the cup with the flask's golden contents. The pixie took the massively oversize cup (imagine a six inch Barbie doll with a shot glass) and took a sip. She looked up at Yana and spoke what appeared to be happy words.

"_She likes it. Thinks it tastes like bottled mornings". _

"_Um" _Clarkson uttered with some concern,_ "should she be drinking so much? For me or you that's like drinking three gallon or more, rather lethal amount that"._

"_She's a pixie, little folk. She'll be ok, but a bit stoned"._

The pixie uttered some more happy words while pointing at Clarkson.

"_She thinks you're cute. Reminds her of a grumpy old stone giant". _

With the bumble bee like hum the pixie took to the air and landed on Clarkson's left shoulder, while cradling the glass with her left arm. She proceeded to sit down while holding onto Clarkson's ear with her right hand.

"_Oww, that pinches"_ Clarkson complained. The Pixie pointed ahead and again uttered more happy sounding words.

"_She likes the ride. Finds the breeze in her hair fun and she doesn't have to fly to travel. Looks like you've made a friend". _

"_Well, most girls love a convertible, guess it's true for pixies as well"._

The pixie began to call out as they drove and soon over a dozen naked female pixies were in the car drinking and cavorting about. One was sitting on the rear view mirror looking forward, her head over the top of the wind screen. Several were on Clarkson's shoulders. One was lying down on Yana's head. Two were pretending to help steer by holding onto the steering wheel while flying.

Clarkson was slightly uncomfortable with all this miniaturized nakedness. Felt a bit… well pervy. Like he was a young boy doing inappropriate things with his sister's dolls.

"_Hmm. Yana I can't but notice that they don't not appear to be threatened by your presence; unlike the folks back in Svarta... um phlegm?. Half of whom positively wetted themselves in your presence"._

"_I've toned down my aura or… well the vim that I'm currently projecting as it were. It made more sense in Svartalfheim to emphasize myself but this a lighter, nicer place so I'm reigning it in"._

"_What? So you were amplifying your aura or whatever back in Svarta... back there"?_

"_No. Just didn't hide it very much. Here I'm concealing most of it. Pretending to be less then I am. No need to upset the locals unnecessarily". _

Meanwhile James May is busy examining the convertible up ahead with a pair of binoculars. He was wondering why humming birds were flying around Clarkson's car and apparently sitting on his shoulder. He starts to sputter in indignation.

"_What the blazes? Clarkson is covered, covered in fairies. Naked female fairies"_. He gets on the radio.

May radios _**"Clarkson! What the blazes is going on over there"?**_

Clarkson radios_** "What's the problem May"?**_

May radios _**"You appear to be covered in miniature naked females with wings. That's going a bit far even for you".**_

Hammond radios _**"What naked females"?**_

Clarkson radios _**"Not my fault they find me so attractive. Story of my life".**_

"_Yana, could you ask the… well girls if some of them might want to go checkout the other chaps"?_

Yana proceeded to again speak in the unknown language, she has a questioning tone. All the pixies answer back with a bit of a yell and all say the same word; what they said is unknown but the tone was rather definitive.

"_They say no. They like the open air, being trapped in a enclosed moving metal box is not their idea of fun"._

Hammond radios _**"Again what naked females"?**_

Clarkson radios _**"Sorry chaps, they don't like what you're driving. They prefer a convertible". **_

Hammond radios _**"May, do you mean to tell me that Clarkson is covered in naked females"?**_

May radios _**"Miniature naked females, but yes. Right bastard".**_

Hammond radios _**"How miniature"?**_

May radios _**"Barbie sized".**_

Hammond looks at the camera, _"Well that's all right then. Bound to be a bit frustrating for the old goat"._

Hammond radios _**"Lucky dog, hands off the barbies you old perv. Remember you're on camera".**_

Clarkson radios _**"Sorry to keep harping on the obvious but the convertible is simple a better car. I'll see if I can scrounge up some female goblins to keep you company. More in keeping with your vehicle selection I presume".**_

Clarkson chuckled while May and Hammond sputtered their displeasures over the radio. He returned to trying focus on the road, but the view of the pixies tush, in and on, the rear view mirror (ha ha, rear view mirror, get it?) was quite distracting.

**Yana part E**

Clarkson was again at Hem's eating with Hank. Hank was finding Illyana's transport abilities very useful for popping in and out of London.

_"So I take it she's a go" _Hank inquired?

_"Yes, a definite yes. Heck if only for what she did to the paparazzi; quite liked that. But she's a bit odd"._

"_In what way?"_ Hank slurred around a mouthful of roast lamb (an entire crown rack of lamb was on the table being devoured by the two, Hank would end up eating seventy percent of the rack and even chew on a few of the bones). Hank's ears twitched forward (Hank was horrible at poker; his ears were always his tell).

_"Odd hesitancies from time to time. Like she's forgotten how something is done or said. Plus, her outlook is rather stark on many issues, almost like she can only see some things in black and white, no shades of grey at all. She reminds me slightly of Hammond when we were doing Top Gear Live in South Africa. He was like that from time to time. This was... oh eleven months or so after his brain injury and sometimes you could just see that he understood your words but not the meaning. But now that we're on the topic I've got a last question for you"._

"_What?"_ Hank replied as another lamb chop began its journey to the gullet of the beast.

Jeremy was blunt and to the point. "_What happened to her"?_

Hank had a slightly guilty look_ "What do you mean"?_

_"Hank don't give me that. I work at the Beeb. I've got knives after me every day of the week at work from the executives. I know when somebody's acting. I know crazy. I know eccentric. Something is off with her. What gives"? _

Hank gave a rueful smile._ "Should have known you'd see past her act". _

_"Is it an act"?_

Hank sighed._ "Somewhat, she likes to have people keep their distance. But I fear a great deal of it is real. She got hurt bad, really bad and we think it went on for a long time. Physical, mental, and spiritual. Plus I believe she had some kind of nervous breakdown shortly after she rejoined us". _

_"You think she had a breakdown? Hank you're a doctor; shouldn't you be a bit more then certain about such things"?_

_"It's that ability she has to teleport. It's not just space she moves through, it's time as well. If I'm right then she had a meltdown and then spent a few years putting herself back together and then showed up again after only a few days passed in our timeline". _

_"And you think a road trip will help"?_

_"Yes I do. She's stable. Very stable. Scary stable if you ask me. Everybody who knows her gets wigged out by her. She needs some new faces and..." _Hank gives Jeremy an examining glance, _"For some odd reason you don't appear to find her very scary which makes you somewhat unique". _

_"Hank she's an attractive young woman with unusual and useful abilities and a mean sense of humor which I found to be quite enjoyable. Quite a lot to like there"._

Hank gave Jeremy a piercing look._ "You didn't"? _

Jeremy looked reserved and dignified._ "Hank, a gentlemen remains a gentleman and does not gossip about what he does or does not do with his female acquaintances". _

Now Hank has a sly look,_ "You did"! _

Jeremy looked slightly flustered._ "None of your damn business Hank". _

Hank sits back in his chair and quaffs his whisky drink. _"What did you do? Feed her that line about being the tallest man in television at the BBC and how you got that nickname in the locker room"? _

_"No blast it. Got into a bar fight if you must know". _

Hank look confused_ "Bar fight"?_

_**BEGIN REFLECTION**_

_"This is not going well" _Clarkson thought as he felt his consciousness fading.The four, or was it five, thugies had Clarkson down on the floor and were beginning to stomp him. His manly valor had gotten him in trouble, big trouble.

Then a voice had... well whispered out of the growing darkness. _"Self selecting prey. My favorite". _There had been a flash and the kicking had ended.Two hands gently rolled him over onto his back (he had been curled up trying to protect himself from the stomping). He opened his eyes to find Yana looking down upon him with a look of concern and some other expressions upon her face that he could not quite discern.

_"That was really really foolish of you Jeremy"_ she rebuked.

_"Must defend a ladies honor"_ Clarkson tried to chuckle but ended up choking a bit and spit out some blood (broken ribs, punctured lung).

_"No that really was foolish. You should know by now that I have my ways of... dealing with irritants". _

Clarkson attempted a reply but could only lay there and moan. There was a flash and Clarkson found himself in his hotel room on his bed.

_"Wait here, I'll acquire some aid"_ was Yana's brief statement before she vanished again in a flash.

_"Yes. Wait. Good idea. I'll have to refrain from my plans on playing a bit of rugby"_ Clarkson groaned to himself.

Another flash and Yana was back. She put a rock the size of her fist on his chest.

_"Umm, I think I need hospital, not a rock"._

_"Quiet you"_ Yana replied as she closed her eyes.

A coolness flowed out of the rock and into his body. The pain flowed away and he swore he could feel ribs move. He closed his eyes and then opened them after a time, the rock was gone and Yana had her hands on his chest where the rock had been. She looked... well invigorated.

_"That was harder then it looks"_ was her comment as she smiled at him. For the first time the smile reached her eyes.

_"Err, how did you do that"?_

_"Ladies owned me a favor"_ was her cryptic comment. _"Now I own them a favor. And chocolate. Lot and lots of good chocolate. Do that again and I'll save myself the trouble and kill you myself"._

Yana uttered a giggle._ "That rock was really not meant for mortals. Had to absorbed the excess energy or you'd have gone up like a torch. Hmm, likely going to be some side affects for you. How do you feel"?_

_"Err, good, really good". _He has now rather embarrassed to find that a rather personal and private bit of himself was also feeling quite good.

_"Hmm, you'll likely find that you have surplus of energy for the next few days and..." _she glanced south of the border,_ "Be feeling rather randy. I'll need to make sure that you don't suddenly have delusions of grander and start bellowing about crushing all of you like the insects you are". _

Jeremy noticed that Yana looked a bit flushed, and some strands of her hair were hovering a bit over her head. Clarkson hazarded a guess that he was not the only one feeling some side affects. _"Um Yana, are you feeling ok"?_

_"Yes, feeling __**quite**__ good in fact. As I said that rock is really meant for a godling and not a mortal like you. I went a bit overboard once I realized how badly hurt you were. They had steel toed boots so you had ruptured internal organs and a punctured lung"._

Jeremy was being to get a bit uncomfortable. Yana's hands were still on his chest and they were beginning to lightly massage him. _ "Err, how did you discover this"? _

_"One of my critters chipped a tooth". _

This was fun but Jeremy really needed to act his age._ "Yana, while I greatly appreciate the attention, I'm old enough to be..." _

_"Hush" _she commanded,_ "Or I'll crush you like the insect you are". _

_"Urr" _Clarkson said. Hadn't she mentioned something about such behavior?

_"I'm joking silly" _Yana replied as she climbed into the bed and straddled him._ "Well..." _She had an odd expression,_ "Slightly joking. I'm not sure now. Anyway be quiet and attend to matters at hand "._

Clarkson shut his gob, well stopped talking with it at least.

A lot of surplus energy was expended that night by both parties.

_**END REFLECTION**_

_"Last night of the test road trip. We ended up in this really remote town and the pub had some thuggies come in. Started making rude remarks about Yana. Almost broke my damn fist punching one. Not a bright idea on my part; I was in the process of getting a right proper kicking when... well they were gone. Yana apparently had been surprised by my interference and had actually hesitated before acting. She thought it was sweet though, apparently nobody defends her reputation other then her brother. Well... she helped me to my room as I was well and truly thrashed"._

Jeremy took a sip of his Scotch and water, then continued._ "Turned out she knew somebody who owed her a favor and got some healing enchantment so that's why I look my prime and proper self. Anyway, Yana apparently liked what she saw and decided to... well the rest is private Hank". _

Hank gave Jeremy an exasperated growl,_ "Jeremy when I said try her out I didn't mean try her out". _

Jeremy waved his hands in front of his body as he verbally defended himself._ "I didn't. I did not seduce her. She did not seduce me. She frankly decided to take advantage of me. A common failing for most woman I must add. There's just something about the Clarkson mystique that drives them mad"._

Hank sarcastically replied_ "And the tallest man in BBC Television"?_

Clarkson chuckled a few times._ "Impressed her I must say. After that she started calling me by my first name". _

Hank now had an apprising look as he peered at Jeremy. _"My stars and garters. Enjoy the road trip". _


	9. Chapter 9

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: Been a while since I've published. Yes I'm still writing but some of it is not in the correct time order so it's archived until we get to that point in the story. Been spending most of my time writing Snowflakes Passage story (Scary Things).

Why did I end up making Illyana and Clarkson an item? Well it was not planned, just ended up that way (after I learned of Clarkson's divorce, for some reason I don't think Illyana is big on cheating). I guess this was Illyana's way of rebelling against various things (it is a road trip after all). I can only cringe at what Illyana's brother would think.

**Part 12: Inn of the silver lily**

The pixie party drive went on for another thirty minutes before the pixies decided that it was time to depart.

By now the three moons were high in the sky and the road was now running alongside a little stream (the moons were in a low orbit so actually you got moon rise eight times a day).

The pixies all gave Clarkson a goodbye kiss. This involved each pixie flying up and giving the end of his nose a big smooch, which also resulted in them resting their breasts against his upper lip (remember the pixies are naked). Some went out of their way to rub themselves against Clarkson while they gave him a smooch. Clarkson both enjoyed the attention, yet again also felt like he was doing pervy things with his sister's Barbie dolls.

After each pixie gave Clarkson his kiss they joined the other pixies sitting on the dashboard facing Clarkson and Yana. The last one to smooch was the red headed pixie who had hit the windshield. She... lingered on the kiss, and once done flew to sit on the rear view mirror facing Clarkson. She then spoke and Yana translated.

_"I am Morning Mist of the Fern Flame Clan. Daughter of Glittering Mist, leader of the Fern Flame Clan. I proclaim you a personal friend. Will you offer friendship to the Clan as well"?_

Clarkson looked at Yana._ "Um, what does that mean to be a friend of the Clan"?_

_"They will come to your aid if so asked, but you will also have to come to their aid if asked. Think treaty and a great honor. Also be careful. It is an oath of honor and you will be held to it"._

_"Should I"?_

_"I cannot answer for you"._

_"Would you"?_

_"Yes, but I am not you. I have... different goals"._

_"Well... tell her yes. I accept and would be honored". _

Yana translated and all of the pixies cheered and fanned their wings making a bumble bee sound. Then, one by one, each flew straight up into the air and then fully extended their wings into the airflow, rather like a parachute, and vanished with the rapid deceleration due to air resistance.

The last to leave was Morning Mist. She smiled and said, in accented English this time. _"I like you grumpy giant". _With that she also sprang into the air and flew away.

_"Hmm"_ Illyana gave Clarkson a slightly smirking appraising look. _"I think we're seeing some side effects of the Odin stone. You appear to have... enhanced attractiveness to magical female entities, or maybe females in general. Although I suppose if one swings in the other direction the male counterparts would also find you... attractive as well". _

Clarkson thought upon her words.

_"Nice but, um not so nice as well. You should see the fan mail I get from some blokes. Lord, not to mention the fan fiction stories. I googled myself once and found a rather large amount of... um well stories of sexual practices that I don't engage in. My word, some of the stuff on a site called has me and the two blokes behind us shagging each other and the STIG all day long". _

Illyana got a good chuckle out of that and the drive continued.

The stream that the road had been following lead into a vast field of white lilies. Although the white was much more like the unicorn's white, very silvery. The pleasant scent of the flowers perfumed the late day air. The sun was setting and the imagery was like... like the gentle rolling hill of Tuscany without the heat or dust all overlaid with a silver shimmer.

A side road on the left was seen with just a large wooden sign containing a portrait of one of the flowers and several lines of text in different languages; one of which spelled out Silver Lily in English.

Clarkson radios _**"I think this is it chaps. Turning left".**_

May radios _**"I see, and now can smell how the inn likely got it's name". **_

The road lead up to a large circular enclosed court yard. The walls were a pale light blue the architecture was very flowing, not angular at all. The look was somewhat Mediterranean Greek. The walls had just the right touch of rustic to look old without looking badly maintained.

The three vehicles pulled in and parked, the tank rather diminishing the mood of peaceful isolation with its rattling and diesel grumbling but perfection quickly returned once the tank was silent.

As everybody climbed out of their vehicles, other then Clarkson and Yana who just opened their doors and got out, several elvish maidens approached. Each was clothed in a flowing gown, each gown the same silver white as the lilies in the field. They each had a silver tray which held a clear crystal decanter of what appeared to be ice water and several plain silver drinking goblets.

_"Welcome to the Silver Lily"_ they said... well more like sang. _"Please partake of refreshments after your long journey". _

Hammond pulled off his tanker helmet, took a goblet and filled it with the contents of a pitcher._ "This is more like it" _he said as he grinned and took a big swig.

_"Urrr"_ Hammond uttered as he partially choked. He coughed a few time and then whispered with a hoarsened voice _"Goes down like water but has a kick like a mule". _The other military crewmen quickly filled their drinking vessels (Bill, the tank gunner, slyly filled a canteen when nobody was watching).

_"It's Salina, brewed from the very stream the runs by the inn and in part from the lilies in the field" _the maidens said or sang, different people heard it one way or the other. _"Now come inside, your rooms and baths await". _

The group followed the maidens through an archway into an open plaza who's roof was only the limbs of the trees that grew in the small plaza. Tables and reclining benches were scattered about. One marble table was heaped with fresh fruit, breads, and cheeses. How did it look? Well if you've seen Lord of the Rings then it looked a bit like a small scale Rivendell; if you haven't seen LOTR then it looked like a six star resort (yes 6 stars) done up as a nature setting.

To the right of the plaza the stream turned into a small waterfall and fell in to a small ravine. To the left of the plaza a wandering path followed the ravine where little paths branched off to one room villas. A small crowd of elvish men and maids appeared and lead the people of to their villa, and retrieved the baggage as well.

The tank crew of four got two villas. The six man combat team and driver shared three villas, one was extra large for the third person. Clarkson, May, and Hammond each got a villa.

Hammond and May exchanged sly glances as they noticed that Yana went with Clarkson to his villa. _"I win the bet"_ May whispered. _"First rounds on you"._

Roughly two hours later everybody is back in the plaza bathed, groomed, and relaxing about. Richard, James, and Jeremy are sharing one table and arguing about the merits of Jaguar vs. Aston Martin. The other crew members, and Yana, are all over at a big table chattering and drinking. Well... they were chattering, Yana was just listening to the ebb and flow of the crowd.

Richard stretched and changed the topic of conversation_. "Jezza you mentioned something about a guide book"?_

_"Err, yes"_ Clarkson replied. _"Noticed it when we left the prior inn"._

_"If you don't mind I'd like to have a look at it"._

_"Me too" _chimed May._ "Be nice to have some idea of what we might face"._

_"It's in the car" _Clarkson replied as he started to get up to retrieve the book.

At that moment two elves walked up to their table. One was one of the young elvish men who had taken their luggage, but now he was wearing a white lab coat and looking embarrassed. The second elf was an older male and was dressed in finery that looked like it came from the 17th centaury French court, think three musketeer style garb, all in a royal blue with silver embroidery and a huge hat with a massive white feather and you've got the look. The embarrassed elf lad offered a golden envelope.

Jeremy took the envelope, extracted a sheet of parchment, put on his reading glasses, and silently read it. He the put down the parchment and looked worried.

_"Bad news lads. We've been summoned to a ball". _

Jeremy the picked back up the parchment and read the contents aloud.

_"The local Elf Lord, the Lady Felinda, has heard of your journey and has decided that you (Clarkson, Hammond, May) are to attend tonight's ball at one of her manors. You are to appear in one hour, transport will be provided. Appropriate clothing has also been provided for each of you. This was not planned by the Producers. This is not one of the usual cock about events that happen on Top Gear road trips. Be on your best non Top Gear behavior". _

_"Oh dear"_ Hammond moaned. _"I hate formal balls"._

Now several of the inn's female elves approach each pushing a wheeled manikin that held a costume. The manikins are wheeled next to each recipient. Clarkson's manikin holds a brilliant silk burgundy three musketeers uniform like garb with white frills. May's is lavender, and Hammond's is a golden yellow, and I do mean golden as in the metal. There is a matching walking stick as well, with the knob being a silver gear changer, with each gear number spelled out in small colored gem stones, each color matching the a specific outfit.

"_Oh come on"_ May complains. _"I'll look like a poof wearing that". _

_"At least you won't look like a gilded canary" _Clarkson comments upon Hammonds garb.

The older male elf now offers an envelope to Clarkson. He takes it with some trepidation, opens it and reads the contents.

_"The invitation is also extended to your traveling companion Yana. She is also to appear". _

A fourth manikin is wheeled in. The garb is different, no longer a French period pierce, male or female. The garb is only a burgundy bikini bottom, a burgundy corset, burgundy boots that are thigh high; and a burgundy silk leash.

Yana wanders over, with a cold expression on her face, and confronts the older elf.

_"By the abyss, hell **no**"._

The older elf is disdainful and snotty as only a minor functionary can be.

_"My Lady commands it"._

_"I'll come, but not wearing... that. What do you think I am? Some Hellfire club queen wantabe? Emma may like to bounce around on display for others but I dress as I choose"._

The older elf sneeringly replied. _"You have no choice"._

Yana fixes a glare upon the elf that that could freeze hell. The elf gets very nervous.

_"I said no, and state such again and I'll feed you that costume. Although it's so small it won't make much of a meal, except for the boots". _

The elf opens his mouth but then thinks better of it. He had noticed that Illyana now had a knife in her right hand that was not there a moment ago, plus... plus there was something about her she was scaring the crap out of him.

_"It is on you then if my Lady is displeased". _

_"Fine", _Illyana smiles that smile that does not reach the eyes._ "I look forward to... discussing it with her". _

Clarkson was relieved, but May and Hammond, plus the military crews, were disappointed that Yana wasn't going to be wearing that little bit of burgundy nothing.


	10. Chapter 10

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: Been awhile. Spending what little writing time I have on Cat's Cradle and Scary things (Anita Blake crossover). Interesting, what started out as a pure attempt at comedy story now also has more serious tones.

**Part 13: The Ball Part 1**

Thirty minutes later we find our complaining and sniping trio once again in the Silver Lilly's open air plaza. Darkness has fallen and the plaza is now illuminated by candles and lanterns. Our trio are all dressed in their assigned finery. Jeremy and James are pretending to sword fight with their walking sticks while Richard is complaining about the look of his getup.

_"I feel like a gilded fool"_ Richard whined while fiddling with his buttons.

Clarkson opined just as he got past James's guard and poked him in the ribs.

_"Well not to be helped. We're truly stuck. Ah-ah and so is James! Be thankful you're not dressed as James here. Shall we start calling you Liberace now James? You really do look very poncey__._ _As I recall Liberace also played the piano and likely would love what you're wearing. Perhaps they acquired your costume from his closet"? _

_"Ha ha you __insufferable clot"_ James replied while rubbing his ribs.

Clarkson now turned his attentions to Richard. _"I think you actually look quite good Hammond. Like a little miniature French sun king. All you need to do to make the impression complete is start hitting the underlings with your stick and yelling at them with an outrageous accent". _

Hammond proceeded to start yelling at Clarkson while James watched and snickered.

Bickering aside, the three middle aged men actually looked rather good in the getup. Not dashing, but the look was good. Somehow having the three Top Gear presenters dressed up as the three musketeers worked.

Yana was over by one of the trees watching the squabble. She was wearing a tight deep blue evening gown with a plunging neckline with an exposed back. In addition, the gown has a slit up the side that shows a lot of leg. The dress showed her figure quite well. She was also wearing a pair of black dress shoes with two inch heels.

At this point one of the Silver Lilly male staff members came in from the front and announced that the carriage had arrived. With a sigh from all three presenters, the trio, plus Yana, walked out front.

The carriage was a gold and silver gilded construct that would have looked right at home in seventieth century France; apart from being pulled by two large, and I do mean large, dogs; six foot at the shoulder. One dog was white haired, the other was black haired. There were two attendants with the carriage. One was driving and the other was currently holding the door open.

Clarkson briefly stuck his head inside the carriage and declared. _"Looks a bit small for four. Yana and I shall take the Aston". _

This of course resulted in some dismay from the two attendants, but their protests were ignored as Clarkson and Yana got into the car. After closing the doors Clarkson turns to the camera.

_"We really could all have fit, but then we'd be on our own. Instead, the chaps and I have placed some... well extra ordnance in the boot. Insurance as it were". _

Richard and May got into a bit of a _"After you. No after you. No I must insist, after you"_ bicker before Richard gave up and got in first. With that the little two vehicle convoy set off. The carriage in front and the Aston Martin following. The carriage could move surprisingly fast, roughly forty miles an hour (much to the verbal complaints from Richard and James on the ride quality). _"Feels like the suspension is made of leather and bone. Ahhh my back"!_ It was as rather bumpy ride.

It was quite dark by now. The three moons were waning in the west, only a quarter of the sky above the horizon.

The journey took roughly twenty five minutes. At one point they drove though a dense grove of trees, only to emerge into a vast circular clearing in which a well lit two story stone manor was to be found, again looking quite French. Guards were patrolling the clearing, each with two dogs; the dogs in this case looking like sleek normal sized greyhounds.

There was a large pond off to one side of the manor. The pond was decorated with little glowing paper constructs (like a circular lamp shade). The colors were blue, red, green, yellow, and orange. The contrast with the dark waters and the little bobbing glowing bulbs were lovely.

In addition the same paper globs were also floating around the clearing, helping to give the scene a very unearthly look.

Clarkson slowed down and commented. _"Stunning! Now that's a sight. Yana have you ever seen something like this before"?_

The beauty of the landscape appeared lost on Yana, but she did have a comment.

_"Yes. I've just realized I've been to this locality before. Well... before is not quite the correct way of saying it. I was here in a potential future that is now likely no more. Funny, it was nighttime as well, although the situation was not as pleasant as now. The forest and manor was burning and a battle was raging. I had come to ask a favor of Odi... Well safer to say a favor of a god who tends to know many things that he does not share. He did not like me much, or my kind in general; and spent a completely unnecessary quantity of time telling me that. To summarize a rather... interesting discussion we reached an accommodation of sorts". _

_"Oh..." _Clarkson stated, He was not sure what else to say.

Yan continued. _"I can see why they built the manor here. This is an intersection of three Lay lines; which means it is a place where magic is plentiful and strong"._

Various carriages are parked in front of the manor, and some vintage MG cars as well. A fantastic black and red NB Magnette Airline coupé. Two MG WAs, which are sporting saloon (4 doors), one silver and one green. A black MG L-type sports car, and a MG T-type done in brilliant Lavender (Liberace would have loved it).

The carriage stopped by the main entrance to let Richard and James out while Clarkson looked for a parking space.

Clarkson parked the Aston Martin next to an elegant carriage that was drawn by a single gryphon (creature with the head, talons, and wings of an eagle and the body of a lion). Two sharply dressed attendants open both his and Yana's doors. Clarkson steps out of the car while the other attendant holds out his hand to help Yana out.

May and Hammond were waiting by the main entrance. As Clarkson and Yana approached Clarkson remembered to set the car alarm. He hits the arm button on the key fob and the car lights flashed twice and the car made that car alarm chirping sound.

All the dogs in the clearing froze and turned as one and growled at the car, the hair standing up on the back of their necks. The dogs closest to the car slowly backed away. The gryphon also now looks very concerned and is trying to edge away from the car.

_"Well that's odd"_ Hammond comments as he observes the dogs and gryphon's behaviors.

_"I guess they've never seen a car security system before"_ Yana commented as they all walk though the manor's main entrance on the way to the ball room. May briefly wondered about Yana's choice of words _?seen?. _Shouldn't that have been heard? Hmm she must be referring to the head lights he decided after further reflection.

They walked through wide hallways before coming to the doorway to the ball room. Guests stood before the doorway and then entered as you were announced.

It was one of those kinds of balls. The one's you see in period piece films. The guests enter via an opening, in this case a grand doorway that opens onto an elegant staircase that descends into a vast subterranean ballroom floor. The doorman (doorelf in this case) announcing the guests as they arrived, thereby allowing the already present guests to know who the latest arrival was, and as they were above the floor, to be seen as well.

For the ball all three Top Gear announcers had been awarded honorary titles.

May passed through the doorway first.

_"Lord May, bringer of passion to a minor people and tinkerer of automotive obscure"._

May enters looking dashing and descends down the stairway. He is immediately surrounded by several individuals, including one fellow who had the head of a goat instead of a normal elf head (wearing a tuxedo I might add). They started asking James about antique British sports cars (they were restoring an old Triumph, yes you meet petrol heads in the oldest places. The cars out front were theirs).

Hammond passed through the doorway next.

_"Lord Hammond, master of the beast of iron and runner of great lengths"_

Hammond enters looking mildly panicked (he hated big formal events, always felt out of sorts). He was quickly surrounded by several busty and scantily clad female elves (now he felt extra unconformable).

Clarkson and Yana passed through the doorway next. Yana hesitated but for the slightest moment as if she had run into some kind of obstacle. There was a cracking sound, like stone cracking. She continued but now the doorway had little cracks in the corners (the kind you get in a material when you force something through an opening that is too small for it).

_"Lord Clarkson, presenter of things automotive and the tallest man in BBC television, and... " _there was but the slightest delay _"Yana, the Dar..."_ the doorman's voice trailed off upon receiving a sharp glance from Yana. The doorman tried again _"Magnu..."_ again a sharp glance, finally a lame _"Traveling companion to Clarkson and the two"._

The two sweep in and down the staircase.

At the far end of the ballroom is a raised platform with two silver chairs. One is occupied by a female elf (the residing elf lord, Lady Felinda) the other is empty. It would have been occupied by her consort if she had one. Felinda gets to her feet and walks over to meet the two, who have paused at the bottom of the staircase to observe the crowd.

It is an interesting mix of... well elves , some gnomes (hanging out by one of the bars), animal based creatures (a lion based man was busy extolling the benefits of an all meat diet to a disbelieving cow headed woman) and lots of dancing. The music was violin based Vivaldi being played by unseen musicians.

_"Lord Clarkson"_ Lady Felinda greeted him with a slight bow of her head. _"Would you like to dance"?_

Lady Felinda was a middle aged elf woman, which meant she was several thousand years old. She was about a foot smaller then Clarkson. She was dressed in a graceful, and tight, white gown that generously showed her cleavage.

Clarkson glanced at Yana _"Umm"_ as he tried to come up with a way to explain that a gentlemen always dances first with the lady he's brought. Rather more difficult to explain when you are at the host's house and they are noble. It was almost as if Lady Felinda did not consider Yana present or even a lady.

Yana cut short Clarkson's slightly panicked attempts by answering for him and defusing the situation. _"I believe Lord Clarkson would love to". _Yana smiled at the both of them and then started wandering across the dance floor over to one of the bars (she was off to get a small glass of white wine).

Lady Felinda eyed Yana as she left. It was not a look of a woman assessing her competition. No... It was a look of... of somebody who was looking at your new car and taking in the details. The look of somebody assessing a possession, not a person.

She turned back to Clarkson and held out her hand, which he took and they began to dance. The dance was one of those formal period piece dances you see in old films about European nobility. Needless to say the other dances gave the two of them a large amount of space, not for any concern over Clarkson, but Lady Felinda could get... annoyed easily over such things.

A little unknown factoid was that Clarkson was a rather skilled formal ballroom dancer. This in part from his mother who loved formal dancing, and the selection of now ex spouses who also loved formal dancing. All and all Clarkson was not a big fan, but doing what the spouse loves is very important to a relationship.

They talked as they danced. Lady Felinda started the conversation.

_"I'm surprised that you did not dress her in the garb I provided. I would have thought that you would have wanted to emphasize your dominance over one such as her". _

_"Ummm..." _Clarkson eloquently mumbled, then replied._ "I have to say the view would have looked... nice but Yana was not exactly keen on the idea". _

_"And you let her have a say in such things? My my, such kindness to one's..." _Clarkson holds her hand up high and she twirls._ "Servants". _

_"You are misinformed my Lady _(Clarkson knew that you never told a noble that they were wrong) _Yana is not my servant but my companion on this trip"._

"_Companion. A... polite word for it I suppose"._

Clarkson had the feeling that two different conversations were going on. There was the one where he answered and the one where she was completely interpreting his responses into different meanings. Well, think of it as a BBC board meeting was his internal comment to himself.

_"What oaths is she bound by? Don't worry, I have no thought of trying to bind her myself. She... wouldn't fit in well here and would cause all kinds of trouble". _

_"Bound"? _Was Clarkson's had a brief recollection of a few days ago of Yana and silk scarves being used to tie her down while he... oh not that kind of bind. Never mind.

_"She is unbound"_ was his strong declarative. _"She is with me by choice and not by oath". _

Lady Felinda actually stopped dancing for a moment and stared at Clarkson as if he was mad.

_"Unbound? _A tone of disbelief._ "She is unbound? An unbound dem..."._ A pause as she collected herself. _"She travels willing with you unbound"?_

_"Yes. She rather fancied the idea of a road trip". _

Again an apprising look from Lady Felinda, first at Yana who was over by the bar sipping a glass of wine and watching Hammond and his developing... difficulties. And then at Clarkson.

_"You are stronger then you try to appear Lord Clarkson. But your potency is reveled to the knowing by playing such games._ _You are a strong one, I can feel it. But I suppose it amuses you to hide it". _Again Clarkson was rather sure they were not on the same wavelength.

Meanwhile, things were getting rather heated between the five elvish lasses and Hammond. Heated in that they were all over him and he was diligently fending off their advances.

_"Ladies please I'm a happily married man. Leave off you. No touching! That belongs to Mrs. Hammond only"! _

Hammond was dismayed to find that his declaratives not only had no effect, but were not apparently even noticed as the girls chattered amongst themselves while they... well let's just say groped him.

_"Let's take him to the Blue room"._

_"No, the Red room, more appropriate"._

_"I've already sent for extra wine". _

_"Oh this will be such fun. He looks just like one of those grownup boy band members". _

_"I hope all of him is grown up". _

_"It is dearest, it is"!_

_"Such nice white teeth"._

_"I can't wait to unwrap him, he looks so delicious and fit"._

Things were looking dire for our hamster when he was boldly rescued by... well nobody boldly rescued him (May was to later reflect that he wished cocker spaniel hair style was the in thing with elvish lasses) . Yana did wander over behind Hammond and offer a mild objection.

_"Ladies, I believe this one is already spoken for by another who is absent". _

As one the elvish lasses glared at Yana. One hissed a dismissal. _"Off with you or we'll play with you as well and won't be as nice". _

Hammond heard but could not see Yana's reply. It was out of character for her. Scared, meek, and pleading. He somehow got a mental image of Yana with large tearful eyes.

_"Oh no, please don't harm me. Do you __**promise**__ that you'll only attempt such things if I continue to interfere"? _

The girls looked each other in the eye, while having their arms, and other... body parts, draped around Hammond preventing his departure.

_"We do"_ all five replied.

Yana's voice changed. Now it was... gloating, a bit harsh and gleeful. _"Works for me. I accept". _

Hammond swore he heard a chime ring out a single note. The elvish ladies hesitated in confusion as Yana continued.

_"Release him dears, you have far more worrisome things to contend with now. Tsk tsk, one should be more carful about oaths in such places of power". _

One of the more brazen of the lasses started to rebuke Yana with words of scorn.

_"You've had you're chance mortal cow. Now we shall...". _Her words trailed off as Hammond noticed their eyes widening in surprise over something he could not see behind him. As if one they let him go and started to back away in a panic.

_"See you later Flecka, Dorina, Blossom, Florish, and Catlin" _Yana chuckled evilly. _"Don't worry, I'll catch up later. Run all you want, your paths all now lead to the... Red room I believe it was? How... appropriate"._

The girls now turned and fled, much to Hammond's relief. He turned to thank Yana. Funny from this angle he could have sworn her incisures were extra long for just a second, and she was smiling a smile that really wasn't very nice.

_"Thank you Yana. What set them off, not that I'm complaining"._

_"I know a few... tricks for the likes of them. Are you hungry Mr. Hammond"?_

_"Famished"._

_"Then let's go see what is on the refreshment tables"._

As they walked over to the tables Hammond could swear that everybody was getting out of their way as fast as they could.

Lady Felinda had observed the little spat while Clarkson and she danced. Clarkson had had his backed turned to Yana when the elf maidens had gotten panicked so he did not see what had happened.

_"Oh dear, she's already binding some of my guests to her. Well... they are rather witless trollops. Time for them to learn that oaths should not be taken lightly. But please Lord Clarkson, if you would after this dance, kindly request that your... traveling companion refrain from such activity while in my house". _

The dance continued and now Clarkson could see that Hammond and Yana were walking over to the far wall where there were some tables laden with food.

_"Consider it done my Lady"_ he declared with no idea what she was on about.


	11. Chapter 11

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: A minor guest appearance from what I suspect will become my third Illyana's passage story. A short chapter. Apologies to Elric of Melniboné fans.

Not sure how much folks like this ongoing Top Gear X story. Should I continue?

**Part 14: The Ball Part 2 (Where Yana has a brief conversation)**

Richard observed the refreshment table's contents with dismay. Richard was a rather fussy eater and did not like to try new food things. _"Does anything here not have... well bits in it"? _Was his rather forlorn lament.

Yana smiled in mild amusement upon seeing Hammond's dismay. He had quite liked the pub grub back in Svartalfheim; but she now realized that he had not know what he was eating. The breaded and deep fried chicken tenders had been tenderized and marinated amphibian tongues. The chicken wings had been from... well the vestal wings were not from a chicken. And the spicy blue cheese dip had not come from a cow, but instead the fermented secretions from a kind of spider. The fish and chips had been authentic though, but the bacon sandwiches had not come from any kind of pig Hammond would recognize.

_"The candied flower pedals are very nice Mr. Hammond"_ was Yana's reply. She took one from a silver bowl and nibbled on it. The flower pedal looked like a feather from a bird of paradise. Orange with yellow stripes. It smelled of vanilla and tasted wonderful.

_"Thanks but no. Don't much like sweets. Oh and Yana please me Richard. Being addressed as Mr. Hammond always makes me feel old and like I'm supposed to start acting respectable or something". _

_"Ok... Richard. So the candied pedals are out. Mushrooms stuffed with herbs"?_

_"Got bits in it"._

_"The dip"?_

_"More bits, plus it has veggies. Don't like veggies"._

_"The roast loin smells delicious"._

_"It does, but what kind of beastie did it come from"?_

Yana read the little place card and then decided that Richard really didn't want to know. Ditto with the source of the cheeses.

_"Hmm, there appears to be some of these..."._ Yana reached behind a tray piled high with odd looking green fruit and pulled out a small bowl filled with Crisp packages (Crisps are what the British call potato chips).

_"Yea! Bless you Yana. And I see my favorite Crisps as well. Bacon, onion, and cheddar"._

Richard grabbed a package, then after a brief moment of thought, grabbed two more and stuff them into his jacket pockets. He opened the original package and proceeded to munch with contentment At which point May arrived with his new found conversational partners; his suddenly nervous looking conversational partners who apparently did not like being in such close proximity to Yana.

_"Richard, there you are. I'd like to introduce the antique car club of Lickanshire. They own the cars out front and would love to have few words with you about carburetors". _

Yana smiled and shooed Richard away. _"Have fun boys. But count me out. Carburetors are so not my thing". _She gave a stern look at the goat headed individual as the group walked away. _"Play nice or..."_ the comment was left unfinished but goatie got the message.

Yana picked up her wine glass and had another sip while she looked over the crowd and nibbled some cheese from a lactating mammal that Richard oh so would not want to eat the cheese of. Clarkson was still dancing with Lady Felinda. As she continued to scan the crowd she saw him again, making his way towards her. Shards she's hoped to avoid him. She's seen him staring at her as she had walked down the staircase with Clarkson.

A tall albino pale individual walked up to Yana. He had long white hair and red eyes. He was dressed all in black leather armor and had a six foot two handed black sword strapped to his back.

_"Chaos Lord, we meet again"_ was his greeting to her.

Yana sighed. _"Elric, I've told you before, I'm not one of your Lords of Chaos. I hadn't even met any of them before that little... trip of yours". _

Elric had a sneer on his face as he dipped a piece of bread into the artichoke dip.

_"What was that odd saying you had my lady? If it waddles and quacks then it must be duck"?_

_"You got it wrong again. It goes like this. If it looks like a duck, waddles like duck, quacks like a duck, then it's probably a duck". _

_"Exactly Lord of Chaos"._

_"There is no reasoning with you when you're in one of your moods. I don't see Moonglum about. Is... he here"?_

_"No my Lady of the Limbo Hells. Your... dalliance partner is not on this journey of mine". _

Yana sipped more wine._ "Elric get over yourself. I know you're used to getting the girl as it were on your little adventures but I simply didn't and don't like you. I... liked Moonglum. It's as simple as that. I see you still insist upon keeping that sword of yours. You know it's going to be the death of you someday". _

The black sword moaned upon being addressed, as if her presence disturbed the fell blade.

_"Hush Stormbringer"_ Elric spoke as he stroked the hilt of the hell blade. "_The sword likes you not my lady. It drew no substance from you so it fears that what it cannot slay"._

_"Yet another reason why I so don't like you. I made a list of the reasons one night with Moonglum. A very long list"_ Yana sniffed. _"Have you tried the flower pedals yet? They're very good". _

_"Yes, I find them... pleasing. They reminded me of the sweets of Melniboné, although partaking of such delights often lead to brief episodes of madness back in the dreaming city". _

_"Why are you here Elric"?_

_"I dueled with a minor sorcerer from Pan Tang. He was of no match but a demon he summoned pulled me across the multiverse as it sought to escape my blade. I slew it but found myself to now be in these strange realms. I seek a way back to my own world and the continuance of my dark doom ridden fate". _

Yana gave a sigh and a little shake of her head._ "I'll never understand how pickup lines like those ever work. But, I have to say, the Goth chicks would love you. Right up to the moment you said something. You, oh dark and gloomy, are the ultimate party pooper"._

Illyana suddenly lookup up at the ceiling. Lady Felinda did the same.

_"Elric I think you're going to get the chance to have some fun. Oh, and afterwards go to the Red room. I think some... appropriate companions will be waiting for you"._

There was a muffled boom and the floor shook.


	12. Chapter 12

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: Been a while since I've written anything about Top Gear X. Not much feedback from folks so I wrote other stuff (hint hint). Plus my muse as it were lost interest for awhile as I wrote other things.

Why did I add Elric of Melniboné briefly into the last chapter and this one? No reason other then I thought it would be funny. Plus I thought I'd try a bit of Michael Moorcock's writing style (very small bit I think).

Oh, and boot means trunk for the Brits.

**Part 12a: Our three heroes engage in an altercation**

Our automotive trio ran up the ballroom steps and then quickly reached the front entrance. They found one of the doors torn from its hinges due to the smashed MG black and red NB Magnette Airline coupé that had apparently been thrown at it.

"_Ahhhh"!_ Proclaimed James with obvious pain upon seeing the now wrecked classic car. _"There are only seventeen of those still in existence"!_

"_I think the number is sixteen now May"._ Replied Jeremy with equal dismay. _"Bloody hell, must be the work of Euro centric car hating greenies. I've always said that someday they would rise up and assault good God fearing drivers everywhere. Now if I was in charge I'd…"._

Richard took a glance outside through the broken door, and then interrupted Jeremy's ongoing diatribe about environmentalists, Brussels, and the EU in general. "_Or it could be that bloody big rampaging dragon and all the goblin blokes"._

Now Jeremy and James joined Richard in peering outside as well.

Jeremy grudgingly admitted that Richard had a good point. _"Yes… Richard that… may be more likely"._

The scene was lit by various burning fires, some of which were additional wrenched MG cars that were vigorously burning, and there were also various trees fully engulfed in flames. A black dragon was rampaging over by the pond fighting various magical creatures (including the gryphon that had formally been pulling a carriage and the two giant dogs that had pulled James's and Richard's carriage).

There were scattered bands of what looked like goblins fighting the elves and the guard dogs that had earlier been seen. Off towards the far left, the albino gentleman (from the prior chapter) could be seen fighting a band of goblins with a large two handed black sword while screaming _**"Blood and souls! Blood and souls for my lord Arioch"!**_

_"Who's the Goth drama queen"? _Asked James while pointing at Eric with his walking stick.

Jeremy answered._ "Some bloke Yana was speaking with downstairs. Don't get too close, I think he's a menace with that sword of his. Just as likely to kill an ally as the foe"._

_"Competition"? _Snickered Richard.

Clarkson looked sideways at Richard. _ "Nooo. If Yana was into such things I suspect she'd be hanging out with Alice Cooper or some other such trash"._

Jeremy still thought that there was a good chance that the dragon was an EU sympathizer though; but he felt that it would look silly to state that without additional proof.

"_Well chaps, I think this calls for a bit of ordnance don't you"?_ Remarked James.

"_Yes, I must agree"._ Replied Richard. _"And some professional backup as well". _Richard reached into his pocket and did something.

"_How long do you think it will take for them to arrive"?_ Mused Jeremy. "_Knew I should have been allowed to bring an Apache attack helicopter or an F-15E. Love the F-15E"!_

"_Be a bit is my guess as we did drive for a bit"_ responded James.

"_Right… so it's up to us to help defend hearth and home then"._ Nobly proclaimed Jeremy as he took a heroic poise.

"_And our arses"._ Quipped Richard.

Jeremy looked a bit less noble now. _"Yes, mustn't forget our arses"._

"_Rather hard as I think it's the biggest thing on you"._ Quipped James while looking smug.

"_Feeling uncomfortable now"_ stated Richard taking a step away from James.

"_Stop looking at my arse James"._ Rebutted Jeremy. (ha ha, get it? Rebutted?)

Jeremy continued. _"The BBC diversity working group has repeatedly spoken to you about appropriate and inappropriate touching in the workplace as well as implied sexual harassment micro aggressions James"._

James responded with some aggravation._ "They have not you sod. Stop making references that I'm a bender as I don't find it amusing in any way"._

Before the spat could developed any further, an explosion lit up the night sky as the dragon gave forth a blast of fire which prompted Richard to break up the developing quarrel before the special pointing fingers could make an appearance. _"Not now! Focus on the rampaging dragon! Argue later"!_

Jeremy had a sudden look of panic. _ "Oh my God, the Aston"! _From this location the Aston could not bee seen due to the angle of the building

With that the three who drive ran from the building to where the Aston had been parked.

It was still intact but all the carriages all around it were smashed.

_"Thank God! That after market car alarm really did the trick"!_ Commented Jeremy as he fumbled in his pockets for the key fob.

Richard pointed at the dragon. _"Checkout the big purple bloke fighting the dragon"!_

_"Hmmm"?_ Both James and Jeremy stated as they turned to see what Richard was yammering about. As they did this Jeremy hit the boot unlock button and the car lights flashed twice to indicate that the alarm was disabled.

_"Where Hamster? I see nothing but an irate menace of a dragon". _Asked Jeremy. James also looked in vain for what Richard had seen.

_"He... it was right there on the neck of the dragon pulling an ear off". _The dragon in question was now missing an ear but no figure could be seen.

Jeremy pulled a Berretta 9mm pistol from his coat pocket. _"No matter, likely got eaten or something. Here Richard, use the 9mm to cover us while James and I gear up"._

Richard looked puzzled but assumed a proper two handed shooting stance with the pistol.

The camera angle shifts, we are now in the trunk looking up at James and Jeremy gazing into the boot. The light is a bit golden. James looks a bit like a mad scientist and Jeremy looks like a boy in a candy store as they gazed upon the treasures within.

_"Hurry up, we have incoming"!_ Shouted Richard as he spies a group of goblins approaching.

What to pick... what to pick.

_"Dibs on the rocket launcher"._ Stated James with a gleam in his eye.

And then they both started as Yana makes a sudden appearance in scene behind them. _"Dibs on the sniper rifle"_ was her comment as she reached between them and snagged the Accuracy International L115A3 .338 sniper rifle and a small camouflaged back pack.

_"Where the bloody hell did you come from"?_ Asked James with some irritation. She'd scared the heck out of him sneaking up like that.

Yana responds as she chambered a round and snaps the safety off._ "I was helping __Elric get into the fray. We took a shortcut as it were. Then I... came over here to check on you. I'll be on the roof using channel 5 as we all agreed upon"._

She put on a headset that she pulled from the boot and then put on the backpack. With that she took off running back towards the main entrance while holding the rifle in her hands.

With that the camera angle switches back to the general scene and we see Jeremy and May watch her back as she runs towards the main entrance

_"Not just a pretty face"_ is James's comment as he watches Yana run off in her tight blue dress. _"And how she can run that fast wearing high heels is extraordinary"._

_"No... much more then just a pretty face"_ is Jeremy's comment as he also observes her depart. It's possible, just possible, that he's staring at her very athletic ass highlighted by that very tight dress.

_**"Focus"!**_ Shouts Richard. Who then promptly started shooting at the approaching goblins causing them to take cover.

**Part 12b: Our heroes deploy some ordnance**

With that our dynamic duo reach into the boot. Jeremy pulls out another three small backpacks, then two L85A2 assault rifles, and finally a AK-47 (Jeremy's preferred rifle for general mayhem). He also retrieves and put on a headset for himself and two other headsets for the others. He quickly passes one backpack to Richard and one of the L85A2 rifles as well.

While this was going on James has retrieve a AT4 854mm light anti tank shoulder fired single shot launcher. He then also dons a headset but leaves his rifle by the car while he started prepping the rocket launcher.

Jeremy unleashes a full auto 30 round blast from the AK-47, which emptied his clip in about three seconds, causing all the approaching goblins to take cover again. This break allowed Richard to pocket the Berretta and grab the rifle after first stuffing his coat pickets with magazines from his backpack.

Richard now started firing semi auto (three shot bursts) while Jeremy now commenced stuffing his packets full of magazines from his backpack.

All this noise attacked the attention of the dragon which eyed them, issued an ear splitting scream of a challenge, and then started to trot in their direction; incidentally stepping on a goblin that did not get out of the way fast enough.

_**"Any time James"!**_ Shouted Clarkson who now started to also fire in three round bursts at the dragon.

_"This takes time to setup properly"!_ Shouts back James. _"Now... step five pull out the firing tube... there... Now step six fold down the sighting array... Got it. Step seven locate your target using the sighting array..."._

James looked up and saw the dragon bearing down on them. The bullets appeared to just be bouncing off the beast.

_**"Oh crumb"!**_Was James's panicky statement as he aligned the rocket launcher.

Meanwhile a goblin was sneaking up behind James. The goblin raised his battle axe to...

The rocket swooshed out of the launch tube and impacted the chest of the dragon, while at the same time the exhaust from the back of the rocket launcher blasted the goblin and sent him tumbling ten feet across the ground and incinerated him as well (Hint, it's a really bad to stand behind a rocket launcher).

_**"Right Oh"**_ cried James as the dragon staggered and died, its heart disintegrated from the rocket's shape charge. He then picked up his rifle, aimed, and fired its built in one round grenade launcher at a cluster of soon to be dead goblins that were all pointing at the dead dragon. Then he too stuffed his jacket full of magazines and put on a headset as Richard likewise put on his headset.

Just in time as they heard Yana.

Yana radios: _"__**On the roof. I see a large mass of goblins at the edge of the woods. Recommend you fall back to the main entrance".**_

Jeremy radios:_**"Roger that".**_

_"Time to hightail it chaps! Back to the entrance"! _Shouts Jeremy as they all put on their backpacks.

With that they run back to the entrance, with Jeremy in the rear. He paused for a second to hit the lock and alarm button on his key fob. The Aston lights flashed twice and then all was briefly still.

A pack of goblins cautiously approached the Aston but once they found our boys gone they breathed a sigh of relief. Then a mace armed goblin decided to smash up the car. He raised the mace high to smash it down on the boot lid. Then, just has he started to swing the mace down, a large purple arm appeared out of nowhere, attached to a very large torso.

_"Boss babe be upset if you damage her ride"_ A deep voice grumbled with an evil tone. _"S'ym can't allow that. S'ym has job to do"._

The goblins didn't last very long, and the Aston was still untouched.

A large purple creature crack its knuckles._ "S'ym always likes traveling and killing interesting people"._

**Part 12c: Roofies of the wrong kind**

The roof was one of those flat castle roofs with a stone wall at the edge, perfect for somebody to hide behind. Yana put the backpack down by the edge of the roof and quickly deployed the sniper riffle's muzzle legs and scanned the surroundings with the scope. She radioed the boys her advice on falling back, then she commenced scanning for targets.

There... a dark elf who looked like he was giving orders.

**CRACK** went the rifle, Yana had not put on the silencer because speed matters when you're shooting over long distances.

Splat went the elf, chest shot.

Yana cycled the bolt chambering another round. As she scanned for more high value targets she could be heard to mutter.

_"They never let me use the gun... always somebody else... told them I was a good shot... but no... Sam or Berto always hogged the rifle... well not this time boys... this time I get to play punisher... ahh bingo... he looks important". _

**CRACK** went the rifle again and another high racking officer goblin type went down missing a head.

Yana was referring to a video game she played in her youth for those who want to know.

Then Yana reached into the backpack and pulled out of the special tungsten armor piercing rounds housed in a red magazine. She replaced the current magazine with the red magazine and chambered a round. She'd noticed that Elric was having issues with an eleven foot tall armor plated golem. She aimed and...

...

...

Elric was in a bit of a predicament as the golem was a created soulless creature. Kind of like a magical robot, so his sword had no affect upon it other then to chip at the hardened clay that it was made of, and scratch the armor.

The golem was waving a massive mace about, just missing Elric each time. Elric was trying to come up with a spell to defeat the golem, he had just settled on the idea of trying to summon a demon to inhabit the golem, when the golem's head exploded just as Elric heard a **CRACK**.

The golem stood there with a body language of confusion as the head was the location of the main sensing organs. Then a second explosion took out where the heart would be, followed shortly by the destruction of a hip. The golem stumbled and then fell down.

Elric spied the erstwhile Lord of Chaos on the roof pointing some kind of long wand. She waved at him and then pointed to where the main entrance was. He hesitantly waved back.

_"Fell is the magic of her worlds"_. Was his comment before he resumed a fighting retreat back towards the main entrance.

A few additional **CRACKs** could he heard as he made his way.


	13. Chapter 13

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: Ahhh, finally had a chance to put S'ym in the story. I do rather think he's annoyed being a car alarm, but he does like a nice fight. Oh, prize for the person who figures out who Dupree is.

**Part 13a: A defense is made**

The boys found an improvised barricade by the time they got back to the main entrance, made from debris from smashed carts, part of the main door, car parts, some chairs, and other rubble. Guards and various guests were there armed with spears, sword, and crossbow. Our boys joined the perimeter and took up firing positions.

_"Don't look now but that poncey mentalist__Alice Cooper __wantabee__ is making his way towards us"_ muttered Clarkson as he gestured with the barrel of his AK-47.

Of course that prompted both May and Richard to look. Elric was making a fighting retreat with the few surviving elves guards and dogs.

Richard radios:_** "Any word Yana"?**_

Yana radios: _**"Negative. No contact as of yet".**_

She was up the highest so radio frequency line of sight was best for her.

All three then began to provided covering fire for the retreating elves and dogs. Richard made a comment as the boys fired.

_"Reminds me of that time in Syria, that drive from Iraq to Israel when we found baby Stig in the manger at the end of the episode. You know, when we bumped into that nest of Al Qaeda____nuts while we were..."._

_"Hush Richard that's..."._ Jeremy proceeded to wink a few times.

Richard wasn't quite sure what to make about Jeremy's sudden facial tick, then his expression changed to one of enlightenment.

_"Opps, my bad. The SAS did say to keep quite about that part of our mission"._

_**"Richard"!**_Hissed May. _"You'll blow the cover story"!_

Richard got his act together._ "Again Opps. Ummm... What was I thinking? Must have mumbled a bit of nonsense there. Sorry to be confused there chaps"._

_"Yes... quite all right Hammond. We all get confused at times". _Stated Jeremy with a sagely expression as he fired a burst that took down a charging goblin.

May stage whispered. _"I'll remind post production to edit this bit out"._

Side note to Top Gear fans, you really don't think that all those foreign road trips were just about cars now do you? So... convenient for other nefarious activities as well. I could go on about Richard being a demolition expert, after all he did have the blast lab in his house's sub basement. Or I could provide details about May's top of the line hacking skills (nicknamed the Cracker), or even Clarkson's nickname as the Hammer of Death due to his proclivities for slaughter but… some things are best keep private because… well you don't have a need to know. Well, back to the story.

The retreating band of elves, plus Elric joined the defense perimeter resulting in Clarkson and Elric now looking each other eye to eye.

_"You are the ones who travels with her". _Stated Elric as he looked the three over._ "I see you also wield similar armaments. Fell wizards you all must be"._

_"Um... yea. Fell indeed". _Spoke May with some slight hesitation.

Yana radios:_**"Phoo. They finally figured out how to cast some kind of bullet blocking shield".**_

Clarkson radios:_**"Fall back then Yana".**_

Elric looks confused to see Clarkson speaking into his strange and very dull necklace._"You speak to the Chaos Lord even now? I beheard her voice but moments ago"._

_"No I'm talking to Yana". _ Was Clarkson's reply to Elric. _"We're using radios"._

Elric was impressed. He needed get some of these so called radios. He wondered just what kind of blood powered the enchantments.

May eyed the gathering horde that was apparently now safe from bullets, after firing a few shots to see if the shield also was working at ground level (it was).

May radios:_**"Yana, does the bullet shield have a roof"?**_

Yana radios:_**"Unknown. Give it a try".**_

May clicks off the safety on his rifle's single shot grenade launcher. Aims it high, and fires. The round leaves with a thump and travels high on a very steep parabolic arch. Elric eyes the shot with interest.

No roof... the round lands upon a small group of goblins just as Richard fires his round on an arc as well.

May radios: **"**_**Jolly good that"!**_

Meanwhile Clarkson was busy placing the claymores, that they had in their backpacks, within the barricade rubble. Facing outwards of course, don't want to repeat that snafu that happened in Syria. Oh the SAS never lets them forget that, it was just fortuitous that… umm… opps… again no need for you to know (wink wink).

By the time he was done the foe had managed to now erect a roof magical shield as well so the last grenade from Richard just detonated at the top of its arc.

Yana radios: _**"Drakes Bane, ETA ten minutes".**_

_**"Their charging!"**_ was Richard's panicky cry. A horde of goblin with scattered Dark Elves was approaching at a fast jog.

**"Fall back within the building!"** shouted Clarkson.

_**"Why"?!**_ Screamed Elric as everybody fled into the building. _"Better to meet our fate here. Let them feel our blades as we send their souls to the seven hells"!_

Clarkson held up a remote claymore trigger as he backed into the building. _"Because mate you really don't want to be standing here in about twelve seconds"!_

Elric did not understand, but figured that it was more of this strange magic. He retreated within as well.

Clarkson triggered the claymores just after the goblins began to swarm over the barricade.

It was... nasty. The claymores were now on the other side of the bullet blocking enchantment. The few stunned survivors were quickly mowed down by Elric's sword and the boy's bullets.

The resulting chaos delayed the next change, that and the brilliantly white flare that May tossed out the door; everybody outside was convinced it was some type of magic and a few minutes were wasted trying to figure out just what it was.

Then Yana radioed: _**"Bane and company are..."!**_

The explosions and sustained full on automatic machine gun fire from outside drowned out anything she was saying. That and the banshee scream of a 20mm Gatling gun on full sustained auto fire.

The assault had come in on the right flank and the first round from the tank's 120mm main gun had taken out the group of wizards casting the blocking spell. While the traversing spray of machine gun bullets and 20mm cannon rounds mowed down everything they hit.

The deployed infantry with their rifles, machine guns, grenade launchers, and mortar added more fury to the slaughter and carnage.

The crowd within the manor slowly emerged from the doorway, trying not to slip on the goblin blood and goblin bits. The trio then added their own volume of fire while Yana resumed firing from the rooftop, chuckling to herself while making a very obscure comment.

_"Dupree would have loved this, just her kind of fun. Total madboy moment"._

She aimed, fired, and whispered_ "Bang"_ as she shot down a dark elf officer. Her comment apparently causing her to slightly giggle in remembrance of something.

What was left of the attackers broke ranks and fled.

Afterwards…

Richard made an observation as he surveyed the surroundings. The black sky was lit by various burning fires and for some reason the dragon corpse was also burning. Bodies and bits of bodies were everywhere.

"_Everything's on fire… again I might add. Why does that always seem to happen with us"?_

"_Karma" _was Clarkson's smug comment.

"_Theirs or ours"? _Was May's questioning response as he attempted to clean off his shoes.

Clarkson was slightly scandalized._ "Theirs obviously May. They were baddie… likely voted green in the last election or something. Well… justice has been served"._

Richard and James just looked at Clarkson with slightly annoyed expressions.

Clarkson smugly concluded._ "Yet a gain another problem solved with the proper use of high explosives"._

Elric was impressed. Very impressed.

**Part 13b: Aftermath**

Elric was wandering amongst the debris and corpses of the battle. He casually turned over a dark elf corpse with his right foot so as to examine the dead elf's features. Once again he noticed how the features of both the light and now these dark elves resembled his own people, so... Melniboné. Others wandered the field of battle as well, either looting the dead or searching for surviving light elves.

_"Ah Stormbringer"_ he murmured to his dark blade. _"Yet again I am confronted with echoes. I sometimes obsess with the thought that all has happened before and will again"._

The blade emitted a soft sensual groan of contentment over the slaughter.

_"I would have thought that __Arioch would have at least given some sign, even if only to utter the usual excuses as to his inability or unwillingness to intervene"._

A tall, well formed light elf, the only one who was within earshot, turned and spoke to Elric. He was dressed as a dandy in the finest of white silks with yellow accents. There was a dagger in his left hand and his right hand held... held trophies that he had been slicing off of the fallen. He smiled evilly and an oily sweet voice was heard.

_"Sweet sweet Elric, most beloved of all my slaves. Yes I heard your pleas and came as soon as I could, though it cost me dear even with the slaughter that you dedicated to me. You are so far from your place in the spheres… But what do I find? You consorting with forces of Law and once again attempting a dalliance with her, the exile from Chaos"._

Elric abased himself._ "My lord Arioch"._

_"Ahh Elric how I love you. Yet sometimes I fear that you are not... loyal to the Lords of Chaos even after all that we have done for you and your people throughout the long millenniums"._

_"I serve Chaos my Lord. You know this to be true"._

_"I hope so my pet, I hope. But what about her"?_

_"She is no creature of Law my Lord, but she does speak words that trouble me"._

_"And that is why you should avoid her my sweet. After all... remember what her words led to last time"._

_"I do my lord. It gladdens me that you have been able to regrow what she took from you"._

An evil scowl from Arioch as he rubbed his left shoulder._ "Carful Elric. Gods do not like being reminded of... of setbacks and difficulties and squabbles"._

An ironic smile from Elric._ "I misspoke my Lord"._

Arioch gave forth a divine smile, almost dazzling in its brilliance._ "Ahhh, such is my favor for you Elric that I shall overlook your impertinence this time. But have a care... she is not welcome in our presence now or in the future. Here, take this token of my love. Evoke it and you shall be returned to where you belong. To where you need to be"._

Arioch offered an eyeball trophy, freshly cut from one of the fallen, after first tossing another eyeball into his mouth. _"Ahh, sweet death..." _was his sigh as he chewed.

Elric took the grisly offering and secured it within a pouch. _"With thanks my Lord"._

Arioch suddenly looked concerned. _"But now I must depart, other powers and principalities have noticed my presence and I am far from my rightful place. Deport soon sweet Elric... there is much for you to do"._

With that the elf body jerked, blood blossomed upon it, and a slain light elf fell at Elric's feet.

**Part 13c: Departure **

Later...

Elric was wandering over to the group consisting of Clarkson, May, Richard, and Yana as they prepared to depart. They were by the untouched Aston having said their formal goodbye's to the Elf Lord (the party was now cancelled).

"_Good lord there are a lot of bodies here"._ Had been Richard's comment upon seeing the dead scattered about the car.

"_I wonder where the heads are"?_ Was May's puzzled question as he looked upon the bodies. No bullet wounds that he could see, or any sword cuts. It looked like some monster had gone berserk and dismembered them by hand.

Richard turned and asked Yana a question._ "Where did you learn to shoot Yana"? _He was trying to change the subject as the sight of all that blood was very off putting, and yet… not a drop was on the car.

"_School in New York State. They believed in… a broad education". _Was her reply. Meanwhile Jeremy had spotted a slight addition on the rear of Richard's tank.

"_Hammond, was it really necessary to add a spoiler"?_

The tank and the assault vehicle were idling nearby, Richard and May were going to return in their respective vehicles while Clarkson was going to drive back in the Aston with Yana.

Richard replied with a grin. _"Makes you think about it". _May just shook his head at the absurdity a sixty plus ton tank needing a spoiler.

James was still convinced that the return trip was unsafe_. "Don't you think it's safer in the tank or the assault vehicle Jeremy"?_

Jeremy glanced at Yana_. "Nope... feel perfectly safe". _Was his reply. _"Vim and all that". _Which made James scowl slightly.

Elric finally wandered up holding a half empty wine bottle that he was waving about. To say he was in his cups would be quite the understatement. He loudly proclaimed.

_"Come Yana, let us celebrate the death of the foe! We shall drink the maddening wines of Melniboné and make wild crazed love throughout the night"!_

Yana was not impressed. No... not impressed at all as she replied._ "No. Really no. Truly and honestly hell no Elric. Go to the Red room. I think you'll find a more... appropriate and appreciative audience"._

_"Told you" _whispered a smug Clarkson to Richard. Hmm, now if he could just get Yana to give him a private viewing of her in that bit of burgundy nothing that the Elves had brought...


	14. Chapter 14

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: I find this story to be a guilty pleasure kind of writing. I watched the first episode of the Grand Tour on Amazon and loved it, so nice to see the trio back on the air.

**Part 14a: The morning after (at the Inn of the Silver Lily)**

The three who bicker were seated around a table having their breakfast. The crews from the tank and the personnel carrier were off at another table and Yana was nowhere in sight. Jeremy was busy admiring his croissants and expounding upon them.

"_This is by far the finest croissants I have ever eaten. If the French ever found out about these then there would either be mass immigration or war". _Jeremy then consumed half of a croissant in one giant bite_. _He continued after chewing._ "Total war could result"._

Richard was a bit sassy in his response. _"Which they would then lose. These light elves may look fluffy in the loafers but they know how to fight. I hate to break it to you Jeremy but you could do with a few less croissants"._

Jeremy grumbled a response. _"Quiet hamster… go eat yogurt or something"._

May of course was quick to defend the honor of France as he paused in dining upon his quiche. _"All the elves would have to do is throw these croissants at them and they'd fold instantly". _ He then spoke in a bad French accent. "_Oh la la dis croissant, it is… wonderful. I feel so… weak"._ Ok, a rather poor defense as defenses go, kind of like the Maginot line and the Germans in WW2.

Richard then inquired as to the location of Yana and Jeremy informed them that she was sleeping in.

"_All tired out"?_ Ribbed Richard with a slight locker room kind of smirk.

"_That would be me mate"._ Confessed Jeremy with a sad mournful look that fooled nobody.

"_I wonder how she'd have looked in that red bit of nothing they tried to have her wear"_ mused Richard.

"_She looked bloody fantastic, that's how she looks"_ Jeremy absentmindedly stated as he buttered another croissant and reflected upon how she had appeared as he had left for breakfast.

**BEGIN REFLECTION**

Yana had been sprawled face down on the bed wearing just the burgundy bikini bottom. He had slightly awakened her by asking about breakfast and she had mumbled something about killing everything if a certain somebody kept trying to wake her up.

Clarkson had wisely taken the hint and left Yana to her slumbers. He'd briefly showered, and taken off the burgundy silk leash that was around his throat (opps, he'd forgotten all about that) was his embarrassed self reflection upon seeing his image in the mirror.

He needed to remember to bring her some breakfast was his thought as he left the bungalow to join the other two for breakfast.

**END REFLECTION**

Richard and James both looked at Jeremy who finally noticed there inquiring expression as he chewed.

"_What"?_

Richard and James now had slightly sarcastic expressions which apparently resulted in Jeremy looking embarrassed. He finally confessed.

"_They left the getup in our room after we departed. We found it when we got back and Yana… gave me a private… showing as it were"._

"_Unwrapping more likely"._ Replied James with a smirk of his own. _Was she wearing the leash"?_

"_No, umm… she wasn't". _Was Clarkson's mumbled reply.

Both James and Richard's eyebrows rose in surprise. But, before they could launch an underhanded verbal snarky attack, a male elf wearing a white coat strode up the table holding a golden envelope.

"_Not again"._ Groaned James upon seeing the envelope in the elf's hand.

The elf handed the envelope to Richard who sighed in resignation and opened it. He quickly scanned it and as he did this his expression morphed to one of delight.

"_Well blokes"._ Richard begin. _"Looks like we get two days off and a munitions re-provisioning as well"._

Richard passed the note to James who quickly scanned it. _ "Oh, that's quite nice"._ Was his contented statement as he then in turn passed the note to Clarkson. May had been quite concerned about the depletion of his ammo (he was almost out).

Clarkson put on his reading glasses and proceeded to read the commutative out loud.

"_The Producers have decided to grant you two days to clean and maintain your vehicles due to the unplanned combat demonstration last night. Plus the local constabulary is very pleased with your deeds and wish that your efforts in their defense not leave you in want. Therefore a complete restock of your munitions will take place this afternoon. Upon the morning of the third day you will receive your next challenge"._

Clarkson looked at his mates._ "Well, that beats a poke in the eye. I suppose the Aston does need a bit of polish. I distinctly remember a scruff on the boot, and the tank is a quarter empty"._

The discussion then briefly degenerated into somewhat disgruntled diatribes about a certain curly haired buffoon who wouldn't know what part of a hammer to even use_. _After a few wanker and ninny statements the boys simmered down.

"_Fess up Jeremy"_ said Richard. _"She's MI5 isn't she? Or is it MI6? I can never keep the two straight"._

"_Nope". _Replied Clarkson with his patented poker face, which mean he looked guilty about something.

"_Foreign service? DI? JIC? Can't be SAS, lacks the shoulders for it. Don't tell me she's CIA"? _Prompted May.

"_Nope, nope, nope, nope, and…. nope". _Replied Clarkson while pouring himself a coffee refill.

"_Well who is she then"? _Asked Richard.

"_Ask her, maybe she'll answer". _Was his reply as he drained the cup.

With that the breakfast to go order was brought to his table on a tray, which Clarkson then took back to the bungalow.

"_Who the blazes takes whipped cream with their tea"? _Was May's puzzled question upon seeing the contents of the tray.

Richard, being a more worldly man then May, mumbled. _"I don't think it's for the tea"._

"_Then what's it for"?_

Richard just gave May a look who finally got it and declared _"Oh… that scoundrel"._

**Part 14b: Maintenance and refreshments**

Later that day…

A rather greasy May and Richard had paused in their labors over their respective vehicles. They had been working with their teams to perform routine maintenance, refuel, clean the armaments, and to load the newly provided munitions.

Hot and hard work, even more so for the tank. Clarkson had made some rather rude comments as to the swabbing out of the 120mm gun barrel, while he was under a nice shady umbrella, while he cleaned his 9mm Berretta and AK-47. Although Clarkson maintained that you didn't really ever need to clean an AK-47, just rinsing it off with a hose and spatter some oil on it sufficed for most situations.

James and May were taking a break and dining upon a truly lovely lunch while watching Jeremy clean a few spots off the Aston with a silk handkerchief, and complaining about the effort involved in doing so.

"_How the bloody hell is that car so clean"?_ Had been May's disgruntled comment.

"_Bet he has those pixie girls secretly cleaning it"._ Was Hammond's observation.

Just then Yana had wandered by, not wearing that bit of burgundy nothing that the boys were still hoping she'd show up in but instead a casual shirt and jeans; she was holding a now clean sniper rifle. Richard invited her to sit with them and she did so. A elf servant suddenly showed up with a cup of tea for Yana (ahh good service) and a tray of cookies.

May then asked her a question that both he and Richard had been wondering about. _"Yana, just how did you end up on this trip with Jeremy"?_

Yana replied after tasting her tea._ "Hank, one of my therapists, suggested that this road trip of yours would be a good opportunity to get away from it all and relax"._

The boys looked at each other with some slight confusion. They only knew of one Hank.

Richard replied_. "Hank? You don't mean, big hairy blue Hank? The sometimes X-Men bloke? The one who's always mucking about with carburetors with May"?_

"_Yes"._

Now May chimed in._ "He's one of your therapists"?_

"_Yes"._

Richard snorted a disgusted tone._ "Apparently he got this trip wrong"._

"_How so"? _Asked Yana as she snagged a cookie.

May explained._ "Well… relaxing is not how I'd describe this trip. Endless mayhem and significant threat to life and limb would be a more correct description"._

Yana shook her head in disagreement as she replied._ "I disagree, I've been having a great time, best in ages to be honest"._

Richard was rather disbelieving. _"Really… all the… um… death and mayhem doesn't… bother you"?_

Yana had a questioning and puzzled look as she responded. "_No, part of the fun. Why would it"?_

"_Ahhhh…"._ The two of them didn't quite know what to say in response to that. They wanted to ask what the therapy was for, but that would be very improper and impolite.

Then before they could come up with additional questions a male elf walked up leading a black horse. Yana rose, put the rifle over her shoulder as the elf handed Yana the reins. She then mounted the horse.

"_I'll be back in a few hours". _Was her farewell as she then rode off.

Clarkson wandered over as the boys watched her ride off, looked like she was going in the direction that they had gone last night.

"_Get any answers chaps"? _Was his inquiry as he sat down, all this spot rubbing was positively exhausting he mused as he proceeded to wipe the sweat from his brow using the still very clean silk handkerchief.

May glared at Clarkson._ "No, we quite forgot to ask additional questions once she told us Hank was her therapist and that she's finding this trip to be positively delightful"._

"_Good riding form". _Commented Richard. He owned a farm and his wife had a few horses that she liked to ride.

"_Yes I'm sure"._ Replied May. _"Looks like she knows how to grip a stallion with her legs and ride him. Firmly planted in the saddle. Hope she doesn't ride him too hard, but she does look like she knows how to ride a bloke long and hard"._

Clarkson glanced at May._ "May that sounds crude, and you sound very annoyed about something"._

May replied._ "Some of us are treating this trip quite a bit more seriously then you"._

Clarkson glanced at the now distant Yana._ "I assure you May I'm treating the trip with the utmost care"._

May was having none of that._ "What's next? Chroming your AK-47? Might you put a big pair of fuzzy dice on the dashboard? Oh, why not create Clarkson's version of a girl's gone wild video as you already apparently have the girl for it"._

"_That's uncouth of you May". _Was Clarkson's now huffy response as he stood up and went in search of a beer.

**Part 14d: Theories are bantered about**

A few hours later…

All the day work on May's and Richard's vehicles were done, tomorrow they would relaxe. Jeremy had offered to help bang on things with a hammer, but his kind offer been declined most impolitely.

"_Bugger off you hammer obsessed clod"_ had been the nicest of the things said.

The boys had cleaned up from all the dirt and grease and were now relaxing in the outdoors plaza. Currently May and Richard were lounging at a table having a few brews, Clarkson had complained about his back and was busy having an massage by a very petite elf maiden (who incidentally reduced Jeremy to the consistency of jelly).

"_So just who is she"?_ May rhetorically asked, Yana had still not returned.

"_I've got an idea about that"._ Answered Richard after a sip.

"_Funny that, I've got a theory as well"._ Replied May_. "You go first"._

"_Black Widow from the Avengers"._ Was Richard's statement. _"Obvious really"._

"_Really? Please, if you would, explain such reasoning". _Was the rather disbelieving response from May.

Richard used his fingers as he laid out his rational.

"_One, she knows Hank and Hank has been an Avenger off and on for years"._

"_Two, she has a Russian ascent"._

"_Three, she's female"._

"_Four, her use of guns"._

"_Five, her associating with Jeremy, obviously alcohol is involved"._

"_Six… um… I forgot what six was"._

"_Pollok"._ Was May's response to these less then insightful facts. _"I'll give you one and two, and yes she's female, glad you noticed, and I agree that alcohol must be involved, but there is no way she's the Black Widow"._

"_Why"._

"_Yana's butt isn't not big enough. Black Widow is much more… curvaceous. Plus I think Widow's a double E in the cleavage department. Yana's ass, nice as it is, is smaller then Widow's. Ditto for her tatters. Widow's a red head, Yana's blond. Even worse Widow's like thirty, thirty five or even older while Yana's obviously only twenty or twenty two at the most. Widow's bodywork is sagging a bit while Yana's still perky and firm". _Author's note. This is the source of the actual anger Widow had towards Illyana in Avengers vs. X-Men. This little scene was in the DVD supplemental and Hawkeye made the mistake of showing it to Black Widow.

Richard defended his assertion._ "Could be a wig, and maybe Widow wears… falsies"._

May just gave a disbelieving sneer at the weak defense.

"_Ok mate, who do you think she is then". _ Replied a defensive Hammond.

"_Not a who but a what… she's a Valkyrie"._ Answered a smug May.

"_A what"?_ Was Richards questioning response.

"_It's a Norse mythology thing. The chooser's of the slain. They take the worthy to Valhalla, which is the Norse heaven or something, when they die"._

May laid out his reasons.

"_One, she's blond so that fits in on the whole Aryan Norse thing"._

"_Two, she apparently likes strife and battle"._

"_Three, we're pretty sure she's been using a sword"._

"_Four, mythical creatures are sometimes apprehensive of her"._

"_Five she knows how to ride a horse"._

Richard digested this assertion for a bit. It did make more sense then Black Widow he had to admit. But after some thought he found some holes.

"_How does Hank fit in"?_

"_Frank's an entrepreneurial kind of bloke, likely branching out in his therapy practice, and as an Avenger he must have met her via Thor"._

Ok, that kind of made sense. But then Richard found a major problem.

"_So these Valkyrie birds pick only the worthy? You do realize James that you've just stated that Jeremy is worthy"._

"_Ummmm…." w_as May's , Richard had a good point. A really good point.

Richard chuckled at one of May's statements._ "Thor, that brings back memories. Remember when the producers had both Thor and Loki on the star in a reasonably priced car segment a few years back"?_

May rolls his eyes in remembered horror._ "Egad man, do I ever. Three million pounds worth of damage by the time they got done throwing things at each other and wrecking the studio, and the track"._

Richard continued._ "Thor got so upset at Loki posting a better lap time then he did. Accused his brother of cheating and all which was so unfair. Thor could barely even fit in the car and ripped the stick shift out of the floor at one point as he was so upset at the car's performance"._

May joined in._ "Loved that quote of his… My goats can go faster"!_

Richard laughed. _"Yea, fans loved that. I have to say that Loki is a very good driver, fast on the shifts and quick on the turns. He at least paid attention to the STIG, unlike Thor who kept hollering (Quit thy blathering mortal nave!)"._

May continued. _"Helped that Loki didn't drink a barrel of ale beforehand. I think Thor even had a tankard with him as he drove"._

"_Yea, Health and Safety was quite besides themselves, especially after Thor ran over one camera and rolled the car twice. I don't know what upset him more, posting the worst lap time ever or that Loki posted the best time"._

They both continued to chuckle at the recollection. Just then Yana returned and walked past the two of them on her the way to her bungalow. After her departure Richard sighed.

"_Ok… not very Widowish"._

May sighed as well "_Valkyrie makes sense but… Jeremy just doesn't. Maybe she's some kind of Bizarro Valkyrie, or just one of those woman who always picks wrong". _Mused May._ "Finding the most unworthy as it were"._

Richard thought it over._ "That might work. Hmm… might Jeremy have gotten a female villain instead? He does tend to attract them from time to time"._

**Part 14e: The following morning…**

It was breakfast again and again Yana was not present. And May was very vexed with the Clarkson.

"_How did you do it you shaved ape"?! _Demanded James.

"_For the last time May, I didn't do it". _Replied Clarkson with some heat himself.

"_Well don't look at me"._ Injected Richard before May shifted his attack to him. _"I had nothing to do with it and know nothing about it"._

"_Well the elves didn't do it! In fact it should be impossible! As hard as it is to professionally paint a tank pink, actually chroming an assault vehicle is several orders of magnitude harder"!_

**CUT TO OUTSIDE**

May's assault vehicle has been chromed a shiny silver. The body, the guns, even the wheels, are all shiny silver. And yet wherever there had been a decal or a warning label was untouched and still present. It was like something had changed the paint and rubber surfaces to bright shinny chrome.

And it now had a name, in blazing red letter, The Silver Slayer!

**RETURN TO BREAKFAST**

"_Beats pink and doing the nasty with a dead drake"._ Was Richards less then helpful comment, which just set May to fuming again.

"_So much for camouflage, it's only noticeable from oh… ten miles if the sun or moon is up"._

The assault vehicle's crew actually thought it looked cool. Really cool.

**Part 14f: Nightly shenanigans **

It is long into the night and far from morning. May and Richard, the not quite dynamic duo, are outside by Clarkson's Aston (the car's steel roof is up). They are being filmed via several night vision camera men; everything is either in shades of green or black due to the night vision. The camera shows May and Richard on the right side of the car.

May whispers _"Ahh gentle viewers, Top Gear's original orangutan is either asleep or distracted by the obviously female charms of Yana. Richard and I have decided to do unto him what he has certainly somehow managed to have done unto us"_.

Richard whispers _"We don't know how he altered our vehicles, but now it's time for a little payback. I've got three bumper stickers _(Richard holds up the stickers to the camera while reading the phrase)_, Elves are overgrown fairies, If you can read this then you're NOT a troll, and My other car is a broom"_.

May chuckles and whispers _"The third one's for Yana, Richard and I have unresolved suspicions about her. I've also got some rather nasty Limburger cheese to place on the engine block", _May holds up a hefty block of the pungent cheese.

Hammond takes a sniff, grimaces and proclaims _"Gads that's bad mate"_.

May continues, _"We also have two gallon of an appalling lime green paint, so let's get crackin"._

The plotters go to the back of the car to apply the bumper stickers. Just as they are about to apply the first sticker the car running and tail lights blink and a deep voice fills the air _**"Please step away from the vehicle"****.**_

_"Oh God"_ Richard whispers_, "He's got one of those talking car alarms. What an utter prat"_.

_"What's next? Threats?"_ jokes May.

_**"Yes"**_ replies the voice.

A large smiling creature slowly materializes next to May and Richard. He, or It, is a biped, over 8 foot tall, has a short mono horn protruding from (his?) forehead (gee I thought demons had two horns), a rather long and thick tail, and a quite toothsome mouth that has a lit cigar. The creature has on a pair of black gym shorts and a small black open chest vest.

The creature takes the cigar from His/Its mouth and say _"__**Boss babe commands protect car. Don't harm traveling companions or crew. S'ym finds the word harm to be flexible in interpretation. S'ym gives one warning, then S'ym finds way to obey instructions that you will find disagreeable".**_

_"Urp"_ May eloquently replies as S'ym takes the block of Limburger from his hands and consumes it in one bite.

_**"Bit weak, needs more bite"**_ S'ym states as he eats the lit cigar as well.

_"Thankyouverymuchwewillbegoingnow"_ Richard hurriedly replies as he grabs May and they hightail it back to the inn.


	15. Chapter 15

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: Rather a dearth of ideas at the moment. Think I'll go forward with the ending that I planned a long time ago, of course that ending is going to consist of many chapters.

**Part 15a: Minor Revelations**

James was not pleased. _**"You**__** curly haired ninny reckless buffoon, and utter twat of a **__**bastard"!**_

It was morning of the third day. Clarkson had gotten up earlier then was his general want in answer so some unknown prompting. He was on an isolated patio that gave a splendid viewing of breaking dawn. He had enjoyed the brilliant sunrise while sipping his morning coffee (Mmmm, very good, need to buy a few unground bags of this lot). Birds had greeted the rising sun with an impromptu concert of bird song while Clarkson had watched a unicorn grazing on some distant rose bushes (unicorns love roses and this was one of the non meat eating variety, the common Unicorn).

He was on his third cup when both James and Richard had arrived and accosted him at his table.

"_What now James"?_ Clarkson inquired with a minor scowl. _"You're interrupting the dawn"._

James was in a mood. _"You're tampering with the forces of hell again aren't you"!_

"_And you know what happened the last time you did that you balding ox"!_ Injected Richard with exasperation.

Jeremy defended himself against the baseless charges._ "Volkswagen's diesel problems were in no way my fault. I merely suggested to the CO, at that luncheon we attended, that it would be easier to meet EU emission standards if he simply lied. I in no way was responsible for the man's actual actions. It was a joke"._

"_That's not what we're on about"! _Complained James while waving his special pointing finger about and looking quite red in the face.

"_Labor losing the election"?_

"**No"!**

"_Saab going bust"?_

"**No"!**

"_Peugeot producing yet another horrible car"?_

"**No"!**

"_I had nothing to do with that problem in Russia, I was just there for a conference"._

"_**No, and don't give me that malarkey, that was your fault"!**_

"_That annoying little man, the now ex mayor of London"?_

"**No"! **_"And I hope you got rid of that voodoo doll you made of him"_ Richard added.

Which momentarily distracted James. _"I don't' know, I rather liked that"._

"_Well then what? I can't keep track of everything that might annoy the both of you, the list would be endless. What are you upset about now"?_

"_You installed a demon as a car alarm! We almost got killed because of that bloody thing"!_

Jeremy dismissed their accusation with a wave of his hand and took another sip of coffee. _"I did no such thing, you're delusional"._

"_So you claim that the Austin doesn't have a demon car alarm"?!_

"_Oh, no. That's correct. After market alarm like I said a few days ago, but I didn't install it, she did". _Clarkson pointed to Yana who was approaching dressed in jeans and a casual shirt, the tip of the burgundy leash was peeking out of her left back pocket.

"_Oh" _said the two.

Richard whispered to James. _"I retract my Black Widow guess"._

James whispered back._ "I don't think Valkyrie is quite the thing as well"._

Yana gave a pleasant_ "Good Morning" _to all, and then made an inquiry. _"Am I intruding? If so I can leave, don't want to interfere with the show". _She turned to go.

"_No Yana, could you say for a moment"_ replied James. _"Care for some coffee"?_

"_No, quite the yuck on coffee, is there any tea"?_

And with that request a male elf appeared almost as if by magic with a silver tray containing two tea cups and a silver urn of fresh tea. The elf put the tray on the table, poured two cups and departed.

Yana took a cup of tea and took a sip and sighed slightly in delight (it really is good tea).

Richard and James exchanged glances, shouting at Jeremy was one thing, but bellowing at a young lady was quite another.

Richard went first. _"Yana… um… did you turn my tank pink"?_

"_Yes"._ Was her unconcerned answer as she took another sip.

"_I take it you then chromed my assault vehicle as well"._ James stated.

"_That would be another yes"._ Yana replied.

"_Did Jeremy put you up to it"? _They both asked.

"_No, some of the episodes that Hank showed me had all of you playing pranks on each other while on road trips. I thought I'd give it a try after Mr. Hammond sounded that train horn he has mounted on the tank. I was quite startled and decided to… reciprocate. Ditto for Mr. May's vehicle"._

"_And the demon in the boot"? _Asked May.

"_Servant, he's rather grumpy about the whole thing"._

"_Servant? What are you? Some kind of witch"?_

"_I am not a witch, Jeremy I'll take my leave as I think you all wish some private time"._

With that Yana got up with her tea cup and walked off, as she did this she took out the leash and started swinging it about in a tight circle.

Jeremy's eyes got a bit big and he decided to then take his leave.

"_Where are you going now"? _Complained May as Clarkson took his leave.

"_Got something to take care of, see you lot in a bit"._

At this point an elf in a white lab coat appeared holding a gold envelope. He offered it to Jeremy but he was having none of that.

"_If you attempt to give that to me then I shall be forced to make you eat it. Come back after breakfast". _ And with that Jeremy hurried off after Yana leaving a rather confused looking elf behind him as Clarkson mumbled to himself in irritation about…. _"Insects in need of a good squashing. Why I aught…"._

"_Where's he off to in such a hurry". _Complained May with some vexation.

Richard, being far more worldly, opined. "_Birds and the bees kind of thing. I think he's after some honey"._

Which briefly confused James._ "Clarkson detests honey"._

"_Not that kind of honey dear chap"._

"_Ohh…"_

**Part 15b: Dissuasions amongst the two**

"_Well blast it"._ Fumed May as he sat down at Clarkson's former table and sipped from the untouched tea cup.

"_Think the big fellow would get rather annoyed if I blew up his honey source"._ Hammond dryly commented as he sat down as well.

As if by magic an elf appeared holding a coffee pot with a jar of fresh cream and a pot of sugar. He placed the tray down and quickly departed.

"_By God the service is good here"._ Sighed Hammond upon pouring a cup of coffee.

Hammond inquired of May. _"All kidding aside, have you puzzled out any useful intel on her"?_ Hammond was now serious and his usual screen persona had… vanished.

May was equally… different in his persona, like he'd taken off a jacket or something. _ "No. MI-7 has nothing. Nothing! It's as if she doesn't exist. She's an associate of Hank's so there's a good chance she may be a Mutant or something but there is no record at all"!_

Hammond sipped his coffee as he mused, he already had five pounds of unground beans hidden in the tank as a gift to his wife, she loved good coffee._ "Or something. Might she be vampire"?_

James dismissed the idea while pouring himself another cup of tea, he had three pounds of this establishment's loose leaf tea hidden in his assault vehicle._ "Yesterday's sunbathing rather put paid to that idea. I suppose she could be a day walker but… those are quite rare and she doesn't fit the profile"._

Richard chuckled in remembrance._ "Yes… she quite distracted the boys, they kept hoping she'd turn over while forgetting to retie that little bit of nothing called a bikini. Hmmm, that brings back memories. Remember when we blew up that lair of vamps? Make it look like a Top Gear stunt? Even put that Toyota truck on the roof of the building when we blew it up"._

James looked a bit pleased as well._ "Which was rather excessive of you, usually Jeremy is the one with the excessive solutions. You actually got rebuked over that bit. Gratuitous use of explosives and all that"._

"_Why should he get all the fun? Bugger MI-7, bunch of killjoys. Anyway… villain then? The female ones do seem to flock to Jeremy every time and having a demon as a servant is rather… telling. Aught to change his cover name from Hammer to the man with the golden tongue, I swear the bloke could charm the panties off a mannequin"._

"_When he's not shooting something". _Commented May. _"You know… it's funny. They chase after him, not the other way around"._

Hammond threw out a few ideas._ "Drugs? Magic? Brainwashing? Oh God, I hope it's not brainwashing again. Remember what happened last time brainwashing was involved"._

"_Black STIG swam with the fishes. I know…"._

Hammond pondered out loud._ "Don't know, apart from the… MI-7 feel, she just… feels like a bird on a road trip having fun. Like… like a repressed teenager for once free from family pressure and oversight. Just cutting loose and knocking about"._

"_I know… but rather concerning as to her idea of a fun time". _Replied May._ "But one who obviously can shoot, has a sword hidden somewhere, rather intimidates folks who don't look like they intimidate easily, and has a pet demon. Obviously magic is involved… hate it when magic is involved"._

"_Might she be from around these parts"?_

"_Would make sense..."._

"_It'd help if you could contact Hank. Some hacker you are"!_

"_Keep getting all lines are busy regardless of when I ring him and the email just… vanish. I'd bet my tea to your coffee that she's the cause"._

"_Oh… so you noticed that little bit of pilfering"._

"_Yep"._

There was a slight pause in the conversation as they both admired what was left of the dawn. Then Richard posed a question.

"_You don't suppose she might be… MI-7 as well"?_

"_If she is she'd keep her head down. We've been there for ages and I've never heard any talk of one such as her"._

"_Yea… wild guess. Give it no mind"._

May then opined._ "Rather nice to see Jeremy actually… happy for a change. The last several months have been quite rough"._

Richard sighed._ "BBC giving him that final warning, wife gone and that very nasty divorce. Yea… nasty. Still thinking about that secret offer from the BBC"?_

"_About the two of us taking over Top Gear with some to be determined replacement for Jeremy"?_

"_Yea… that"._

"_Bugger that. Not in the backstabbing business on my mates"._

"_Agree… second that. So… the freelance path"?_

"_Affirmative, if it comes to that"._

Thru was another lull in the conversation. Hmmm, Richard thought to himself. Magic… Wonder if she could help with the little problem me and the Miss's are having. Suppose I could ask her after the trip.

"_Well, time to get back into character"._ Concluded James as he stood.

"_Righo you yob"_ replied James.

**Part 15c: Challenge involving three**

Jeremy hummed to himself as he put a bit more blueberry conserve on his croissant. Ah, what a fine day it was.

"_He hasn't listened to a word we've yelled at him"._ Fumed May.

The three were eating breakfast and Jeremy was in considerable good cheer.

"_Have. Just paying it no mind"._ Replied Jeremy. _"Just little tiny mice squeaks, or hamster squeaks I suppose"._

"_You're insufferable"._ Complained May yet again.

"_At least he's not insatiable"._ Mumbled Richard. _ "Or we'd never get on with the trip"._

"_Are you ever going to tell us who she is"?_ Demanded May.

"_Nope, not my secrets to share"._ Replied Jeremy as he refilled his coffee cup. _"I'm sure if you were to actually ask her politely she'd tell you"._

James attempted to reason with Jeremy._ "If she's not a witch then what is she? That was a bloody demon! We're not safe"!_

Jeremy disagreed._ "Perfectly safe… what did the creature say"?_

Richard replied while paraphrasing. _"The boss babe said not to harm the traveling companions or crew"._

Jeremy concluded as only Jeremy could._ "There you go. Perfectly safe"._

May just glowered and gave up. No sense trying to make Jeremy understand the obvious complete lack of rational logic in his statements, time to change the topic.

"_Who are that lot"?_ May said as he pointed his thumb over his shoulder.

Jeremy frowned. _"Never seen them before, have you Hammond"?_

"_Nope, odd group of fellows"._

A few tables over three men were sitting. One was a rather dandy blond fellow dressed in green, the second was a grim Mongolian looking fellow, and the third… well the third was an enormously fat man who looked to be eight plus feet tall with a massive red beard and a steel hat. Before them was an enormous feast of a breakfast, well the remains of an enormous feast.

The blond fellow was currently pointing out that the Lion of Asgard should really refrain from eating quite so much.

Why one could almost say the banter between the three resembled our own automotive trio. But currently the banter only involved the fat man and the blond. The grim fellow as just scowling and drinking yet another cup of coffee (black coffee no sugar), copious quantities of coffee.

Yana at this point put in an appearance but stopped to stare at the odd trio. Who likewise ceased their conversation and stared back at her. It was an odd standoff, one might almost think that a fight was about to break out as Yana right hand kept clenching and then unclenching, almost as if she was grasp at something. But then Yana gave a sniff of disproval and walked over to were the tank and assault crew members were dining, who promptly welcomed her with a few friendly catcalls.

The other trio exchanged looks of some sudden… concern.

Hmm, thought May. A clue. They know her or of her or know something about her.

"_Dear god that man is fat"._ Whispered Jeremy. _"He must be five or six hundred pounds or even more"._

"_More…". _Whispered May back. _"He ate an entire suckling piglet with breakfast. Called it a bit of bacon and sausage"._

"_Not to mention the fifteen egg Frittata he ordered for the table". _Whispered Richard back. _"Plus the three loaves of bread, and the block of cheese ad butter"._

James helpfully pointed out that._ "He did have a bowl of prunes"._

"_One must wonder at his cholesterol"._ Mused Jeremy back.

With that declaration an elf in a while lab coat approached and presented a gold envelope to May whom then opened it and read the parchment contained within. He looked rather annoyed at what he had read.

"_Well"?_ Asked both Richard and Jeremy.

"_We're going to a fair, and we're to take that lot with us. An Asgardian fair"._


	16. Chapter 16

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: A guest posted many fine reviews and comments so this chapter is dedicated to that guest. One who obviously gets Top Gear, understands Illyana, and has good input as I even added their quip into this chapter. Ahh, the joys of reviews, feedback is so nice… so nice… so rare…sob…

**Part 16a: The challenge**

May read aloud. _"The commuting suitability of your vehicle choices will now be tested. You shall convey three people to an Asgardian county fair being held today. There your vehicles shall be entered into a series of competitions to judge their worth. The far table holds the famed Warriors Three whom you will be conveying. Fendra the dashing. Hogun the grim. And Volstagg the lion of Asgard. They shall decide amongst themselves which of your vehicles shall be their conveyance. And they shall judge their worth upon the end of the journey to the fair. Further communications shall be presented once you arrive"._

"_I can't take the fat one". _Whispered a panicky Jeremy._ "Not possible. The car would break in half, the undercarriage would give way. The seats would buckle…"._

"_Up to them to decide". _Replied Richard while grinning._ "I suppose he could always ride on the top of the tank, but I imagine he'll want something more… comfortable"._

May chimed in._ "Looks like a convertible kind of bloke to me"._

Jeremy glared at the two. "_Bugger the lot of you, wait until they get an eye full of Hamster's girly man tank"._

"_Oh… that". _Replied Hammond with much less enthusiasm as he recalled the current paint scheme of the tank_. "That's… going to look odd isn't it"?_

**Part 16b: Choices are made**

Everybody was packed up and ready to go, all that remained was for the warrior three to select their vehicles of choice.

"_Zounds this petite Midguard chariot is attractively shaped"._ Declared Volstagg to Fendra. The two were debating the merits of the various vehicles and their worthiness.

Fendra laughed in mirth and slapped Volstagg upon the back. "_I'm not sure that it can withstand the enormousity of you, but who am I to deny the Lion of Asgard his mount? I will go with the silver one as I think Hogun has found his choice, oddly colored though it be"._

Hogun was busily eyeing the brute of a pink tank, he thought it quite menacing apart from its very peculiar coloration and the necrophilia act depicting the dead drake. This conveyance would suffice for him, but he needed to keep his eyes upon the occupants as they were apparently of odd persuasion and likely habits. But if need be he could always use his mighty mace on them… um… perhaps a different way of describing his manly weapon would be more… um… handling his rod… powerful instrument… monster instrument of death… no that would never do… never mind the mace, just his usual glower and a threatening demeanor should suffice. Not need to point out his huge weapon and how well he handled it. That just sounded… gay in this context.

Meanwhile…

Jeremy was rubbing his face with both hands. But of course the fat man liked the convertible, his run of luck was bound to end eventually but this… The car's shocks were going to be ruined, if the frame didn't bend and break.

"_I don't think the trip insurance covers this"._ Mumbled Jeremy to James. _"He's just so… so…"._

"_Big"._ Replied Richard. _"Face it Jeremy, your car's going to break in half"._

"_I do so hope his belly doesn't abut the back of your head while your drive_". Was James's not so helpful comment. _"Recommend you don't brake hard"._

"_Well, time to face the lard… the music I suppose"_ was Jeremy's resigned moan.

With that they each walked to their vehicles and greeted their guest as it were. Illyana was already in the passenger seat and ignoring everybody, she seemed… slightly put out about something.

**Part 16c: One the road again…**

"_Zounds friend Carson, this conveyance of yours is most fine"._ Enthused Volstagg. He was sitting on the back of the car with his vast legs tucked in the small seats that existed behind the driver and passenger seats. _"The leather is as soft as a touch of a dear woman, the engine but a purr of suppressed might, the interior most fine, but I must sadly profess that the __ride is harsh"._

As if to punctuate Volstagg's comment the car jarringly rocked as it ran over a small rock which elicited a groan from Jeremy _"Oh my back"!_

"_A fine car as you Midgardians call it". _Finished Volstagg as he patted the side of the vehicle. _"Apart from the ride which is a soft as a slab of stone being repeatable slammed into one's backside by a frost giant"._

Another rock and another groan from Jeremy as the car was jarred again. _"A most angry and determined giant. And I fear the boot is quite small as well"._

Jeremy was not accepting the critique_. "Of course the ride is rough, the suspension is bloody well bottomed out! This is a sports car, not a lorry"._

The Aston was in front, followed by the James in the assault vehicle carrying Fendra who's head was poking out of one of the trooper hatches, along with all the other troopers who also had their hatches open and enjoying the ride. Hammond's tank was in the rear, with Hogun protruding from the commander's hatch with his hands on the 30'cal machine gun (he unknowingly had a grin on his face, as if a small child in a candy store).

May could be heard lecturing Fendra _"… not 50 cal, it's .50 cal, the decimal point is important people…"!_

"_Yes I understand now friend May. How fortuitous I am to have you illuminate me in such things". _Declared Fendra with false enthusiasm while feverishly hoping that May would change the subject. Was it too late to switch to the pink monstrosity? This was an even worse conversation then the one about things called carburetors.

They were still driving upon the pleasant roads of Alfheim awaiting the dimensional portal that would take them to Asgard.

May Radios: _**"So what kind of fair are we going to"?**_

Clarkson raised the microphone to respond only to find it plucked from his hand by Volstagg.

Volstagg radios: _**"For a passage of time, those of Asgard dwelt in the Midwest of the nation of America. During our stay we learned of this thing called a county fair. And barbeque, mustn't forget barbeque, so… tasty. But I veer off topic. We found we liked this thing called a county fair. Strange fried food, competitions, feats of strength, rides of thrill, and cakes from the funnel… mmm… fried cakes…".**_

Richard Radios:_** "So we're going to your version of a rural U.S. county fair"?**_

Volstagg radios: _**"Yes".**_

James radios: _**"Dear God… Hammond's fantasy is now reality".**_

Richard Radios: _**"Hope there's a tractor pull".**_

Jeremy re-seized the microphone from Volstagg and radios: _**"Bloody hell, and I thought American culture was bad, but now we unsurprisingly find that it has corrupted yet another nation with yet more fatty fried food".**_

Volstagg bellowed in laughter. _"What mirth you sprout friend Clarkson! Tell me, have you ever had this thing they call a deep fried battered Twinkie? Utter delight! I had three dozen at the last fair I attended! But I hear that a new treat awaits us this day, deep fried bacon"!_

With that a portal opened and the three vehicles vanished into another dimension.


	17. Chapter 17

**Top Gear X**

Author's note: Been having writer's block on this story for quite some time. I've found that I do a significant amount of plot planning either in the Jacuzzi or on long drives. Well… I went opal gathering in the Mojave desert up by Death Valley (Tacopa hot springs for those who actually want to know) and took the opportunity to dwell upon this story. And… breakthrough!

Likely some references to Pride, Prejudice, Illyana, and Zombies in the next few chapters as Illyana does have some prior history with Asgardians in both my writings and Canon as well (and none of it was very pleasant).

**Part 17a: Utopia, some time hence**

Illyana had long since returned from her therapeutic road trip (she said she'd had a great time). Shortly after Illyana's return, her plans for the destructions of the Elder Gods and the regaining of her soul had come to fruition; and her subsequent imprisonment in the X-Brig strapped into a bomb jacket (few things bluntly state profound distrust more then a bomb jacket).

Then Schism had struck Utopia and the mutants had split into two groups, one led by Scott and Emma, the other led by Logan at the newly founded Jean Grey School on the east coast.

During this time, the BBC had fired Clarkson and both Hammond and May had declined to renew their contracts in solidarity with Clarkson. The last remaining episodes of Top Gear had aired and all was done… Then, there was the surprise announcement by the BBC that the hereto unknown Interdimensional Top Gear special would air that Friday night (Part one of apparently two episodes). World wide distribution at the same time in each country.

Few mutants were Top Gear Fans, Dani being but a minor fan, but Hank McCoy (The Beast) was a major fanboy. He had apparently viewed an advanced copy and had taken measures to inform Scott/Emma that they should watch. They had watched the broadcast that night in their living room while they relaxed on a couch; the relaxing had ended quite quickly (right about the time Illyana had used her sword to start cutting down the pursuing dark elves all the while looking like she was having a great time).

They were appalled.

Massively appalled.

A potential PR nightmare if the word got out that she was an X-Men.

"_Hank swore that the trip was just a simple road trip!"_ Raved Scott. _"Low Profile! It was supposed to be just a simple road trip! Nobody said anything about a TV show! My God, it's a total fiasco and a slaughter!"_

"_At least nobody knows she's an X-Men or a Mutant." _Grumbled Emma._ "Thank God for small favors. One does wonder why we continue to place any trust in statements from Hank as to the possible effects or wisdom of his choices. His track record of late has quite poor."_

Scott was on a role._ "And that was just part one of two! One! __**ONE!**__ One shudders at what must have happened in part two!"_

"_And we must wait for an entire week for it to air." _Pointed out Emma with frustration. Yes Scott's concerns were valid but… she did have to admit that the show had been very entertaining in a let's blow things up kind of way (not that Emma would ever admit to find that entertaining).

"_Just how popular is this damn show?" _ Inquired Scott as he continued in his venting.

Just then Emma's cell phone beeped a few times and she grabbed it from the end table to check her texts.

"_It's from Hank. Apparently the show just hit its all-time high on the Nelson rating in both this country and worldwide. And the number of streaming views broke the internet in Sweden, Bolivia, and Greenland. The AP is reporting that North Korea's Dear Leader apparently now has a crush on her. Hank loved it by the way and still feels that it was a good opportunity for her to meet new people."_

"_And kill them!" _ Rebutted Scott.

"_Hank points out in his text that you would say that. And that she only killed some, not all, and that he's hacked part two from the BBC and will stream it to us if we wish."_

Scott rubbed his eyes with his right hand._ "And why would we want to do that? And why would he want to do a favor all of a sudden?"_

"_He texts that it's even more… extreme then part one. And I think he hopes you'll have a stroke or something."_

"_Wait a second… The bastard must have known and he didn't tell us!"_

"_No need to shout Snookums, I'm right here and Hank is three thousand miles away and can't hear you no matter how loudly you shout. And he also text'd to tell you once you figured out that he knew to ask you 'How does it feel to be stabbed in the back? Bet it's not as bad as being left in a jail cell dieing from disease and torture. Or as bad as running a convert killing squad.' Oh, and apparently a yes as to your next question about did Logan know."_

"_That son of a bitch!"_

Emma typed a few characters on her phone. _"I told him yes, best to be informed I suppose."_

"_Ahhhhh!"_

Emma put down her phone and picked up the TV remote control and hit the menu button to bring up the streaming setting. She commented as she did this. _"I don't know what appalls me more. That Hank enjoys this kind of show, or her appalling taste in men. I mean… Clarkson? Really?"_

Scott did what he had to do, which was open another bottle of wine, sit back and try to avoid having a stroke as they watched part two.

**Part 17b: Empty Top Gear Studio**

The show opens. Clarkson, May, and Richard are standing on the Top Gear stage in the Top Gear studio. The usual couch, table and chair are gone. There is no studio audience. There are no props in the background, just a dark and empty hanger. All three are dressed in their usual casual attire. May speaks first.

"_Hello gentle viewers. We were all rather surprised when the BBC asked… well begged us to introduce part two of our interdimensional road trip film."_

Hammond now speaks. _"With Clarkson being let go and the two of us having departed as well."_

May resumes. _"But… apparently the BBC wished us to present this final Top Gear film, turns out that there was some rather specific contractual wording that required us to give it not only our blessing, but our active participation for it to air, and apparently some rather appalling contractual consequences if we did not."_

Hammond now looks thoughtful. _"Almost like somebody had gone back in time and rewrote the contract, how… strange. Well I suppose it's for the best."_

Back to May. _"Now you may be wondering why the big orangutan is silent, the BBC wished that he not speak but then…"_

Clarkson now speaks._ "I said no and then they caved, almost like somebody had a sword at their throat or… something. So… I actually do now have a chance to say goodbye, to you, our fans. And to apologize for my inexcusable behavior that cut both the season short and harmed that which I, and we, love so very much."_

Back to May._ "During the editing we humorously called part two 'And everything's on fire… again.' but that did rather understate things."_

Clarkson._ "I preferred the title 'And then everything exploded' But that was just the beginning, then things got really interesting."_

Hammond adds._ "So this is for you. The ones who made this all possible."_

Clarkson finishes._ "__**The Fans of Top Gear!"**_

**Part 17c: Somewhere… (Not Asgard)**

A barely blue sky, more like slightly greenish with touches of orange.

And hot. Desert hot and dry, like, a hundred and ten degrees Fahrenheit hot, with a slight breeze and the scent of dust and slight tang of sulfur. There are two suns in the sky, one a dark orange and the other a whiteish yellow.

Rather sandy as well. Hard pack sand/ruble with a few dunes and rocky ridges with scattered rocks. No real roads are in sight, just some smooth ruts in the hard pack.

There are only a few bushes are scattered about, with some dried out grasses, plus one dead tree, barkless and bleached whitish grey. And slowly swinging from an iron chain attached to a tree branch, is a skeleton clothed only in a tattered white lab smock. The bones look old and weathered, and the form, while bipedal, does not look quite human, the bony ridges and horns on the skull are one indication, the claws on the ends of the fingers and toes are another. One bony hand is clutching a gold envelope.

The place looks kind of like the Australian outback from a remake of Mad Max. Nothing is happening, just the slight hot breeze and the occasional squeaking from the chain as the skeleton slowly rocks back and forth.

There is flicker of lightning, just like the terminator films, then a white portal opens and our commuting trio emerge. First the Aston with Clarkson suddenly cussing up a blue streak at the change from pleasant road to dirt and rocks. He violently swerves around the tree and ends up coming to a halt about fifty feet from it in a dustily slide with a loudly bellowed _**"ZOUNDS!"**_from Volstagg.

Then James's gleaming silver assault vehicle materializes and quickly swerves around the tree (the eight tires are made for this kind of thing) and comes to a halt alongside the Aston. Fendra had a surprised expression, and yet was grateful that May had finally ceased to converse as May was looking quite concerned as he silently examined the surroundings.

Lastly comes the pink brute of a tank, and while it tries to turn, it basically mows down the tree resulting in the skeleton landing on the roof the turret while simultaneously getting pulverized by Hogan smashing at it with his mace as he was still protruding from the commander's hatch (much to the annoyance of Hammond as Hogan was in his seat). The tank came to a jarring stop just past the tree. Hogan quickly climbed out and stood upon the tank roof while smashing upon the skeleton a few more times just to be safe. Meanwhile Hammond's head poked out of the hatch like a hamster emerging from a hole to see what all the commotion was about.

Hammond commented. _"I thought Asgard was less… dusty." _Hammond spied the gold envelope still being clutched by a now severed skeleton hand. He grabbed the other end of the envelope and shook it to fling away the hand.

"_This is not Asgard."_ Grumbled Hogan.

"_This is Muspelheim!"_ Shouts Volstagg in some alarm. At both the thought of Muspelheim and the thought that he might miss the food at the fair.

"_What the blazes is Muspelheim?" _Asks Clarkson as he looks about.

"_It's where fire was supposedly born. A kind of hell, but not one that people went to." _ Answers Yana as she opens the door and gets out of the car. Her statement earns her a dark and suspicious look from Volstagg and the other Warrior's three.

Hammond shouts as everybody starts to disembark and look about. _"Letter from the Producers!"_

**Part 17d: So you thought it was going to be that easy?**

May had his driver backup the assault vehicle and ended up parked next to the tank. Meanwhile Clarkson popped the trunk and retrieved his AK-45 while Volstagg extradited himself from the car. Clarkson, Yana, and Volstagg then made their way over to Hammond's tank.

Hammond opened the envelop and read the contents aloud.

"_No proper commuting test of interdimensional vehicles would be complete without at least one prolonged insanely improbable violent chase scene. Your vehicles are not simple for driving about but must serve multiple purposes…"_

"_So I suppose we should have brought mini vans then or estate cars?" _Groused Clarkson. _"Some of us have style."_

"_I know a man with a chariot pulled by goats that can fly. Most effective." _Whispers Volstagg while edging away from Yana.

"_Shush, I'm reading."_ Hushed Richard, he then resumed reading aloud. _"Your challenge it to both find and pass between the Cheeks, twin hills that look very much like the backside of a giant extra curvaceous Kardashian, and then pass through the defense barricade concealed deep within the crevasse. Beware of roaming bands of demons and monsters and of course the defenders of the Cheeks who prevent all access."_

The boys looked stunned.

The Warriors three looked appalled.

Yana looked unimpressed and mildly bored as she glanced about.

Clarkson tried to sum it up. _"Apparently we are to penetrate…"_

Fendra finished. _"The ass of hell."_

Clarkson looked outraged and infuriated._ "Just who the hell wrote this? Some fourteen year old boy?"_

May injected with an un-amused tone._ "Lately the BBC has been on a hiring binge of the young. I suppose they would find something like this to be funny in that juvenile locker-room kind of way."_

Hammond snorted in disgust._ "Ha Ha… so we're supposed to assault the arsehole of hell. How infantile."_

"_Not just any arsehole." _Solemnly intoned Volstagg, who then stopped and had to suppress laughter at the way these mortals had described it. It almost worked, only a few giggles escaped his lips. _"The biggest arsehole in all of hell guarded by those who proclaim most earnestly __**'None shall pass!'**__"_

Which now elicited snorts of amusement from all the man and even a bit of a grin from Yana, ahhh how wording can make such a difference.

Clarkson theatrically signed. _"I never thought these words would emerge from my lips. I suppose it's time to give hell a good rogering as it were. Hopefully we have a sufficient supply of high explosive lubricant for the deed. Prudence demands that we should now gear up. Hammond you still have the drone don't you?"_

Hammond gestures to one of the turret side storage bins._ "Yes, tucked a way in the boot as it were."_

"_Send it up if you would be so kind." _States May as he turns to go back to the assault vehicle which is busily lowering its ramp. _"And see if you can spy this giant Kardashian monolith."_

Hammond mumbles to himself as he unpacks the hover drone. _"If it really is Kardashian grade then it should be easy to find… hell it should be viewable from orbit."_

While Hammond preps the hover drone one of the solders hands May a helmet and a bullet proof vest to don. As he dresses Fendra walks up and casually asks a question of May.

"_Good Sir, I cannot but notice the metal your vehicle is now coated with. Pray tell, has Midguard now been blessed with such supplies that you can use it for such a purpose?"_

May looks puzzled._ "What? The chroming of the APC?"_

"_Ahhh, silver though it looks, that is not chrome my good friend. That is Mirhril. My, how resistant your vehicle must be to all types of harm, both physical and magical."_

Fendra sees Volstagg gesturing and he takes his leave to go privately converse with Volstagg and Hogan. The three commence having a whispered discussion with much hand waving by Volstagg.

Meanwhile Hammond has the drone ready, but first also doned his tactical appeal, while Jeremy returns from wearing his as well (from the trunk). All the while Yana has been just hanging about doing nothing other the glancing about and briefly talking with one of the solders.

"_Yana you should wearing more tactical apparel" _Suggests Hammond. _"Something with more protection."_

"_I suppose."_ Was her reply. She gave a little shiver and a white line traversed across her from left to right. The casual jeans and casual shirt was replaced by a full body clinging spandex suit. The costume was bluish black with a giant stylized yellow X that went from the shoulders and down the legs. Equipped with yellow gauntlets and yellow boots as well. Plus a little X over her upper left breast.

"_Ummm…"_ Hammond replied. _"I was suggesting something more bullet resistant."_

"_It is."_ Was her reply. She then walked back to the Aston to retrieve a gun from the trunk. The three watch her walk away (or are they watching her ass? That spandex getup is quite tight and form fitting.)

"_Told you."_ Whispered May to Hammond.

"_Bullocks, you told me nothing." _Whispered back Hammond.

"_Clarkson!"_ Then bellowed May in irritation as it was obviously that Clarkson had to be cheating in some way by bringing Yana.

"_Yes May, what are you on about now?"_ Replied an irritated Clarkson as he stopped watching Yana's… posterior.

"_She's… powered!"_

"_Yes… very observant of you. And she's a she if you hadn't noticed that as well."_

"_That's… that's… that's…"_ May sputtered as he grasped for something to yell about.

"_Bloody brilliant."_ Finished Hammond. _"Wish I'd thought of that. But what team is she from?"_

"_Can't be the Avengers, missing an A." _Mused the now contemplative May.

"_Plus the whole lack of an X in Avengers". _Pointed out Hammond.

"_Guardians of the Galaxy? That has an X in it." _Stated May.

"_Don't think to."_ Observes Clarkson.

"_Inhumans?"_ Asked Hammond.

"_Nooo…"_ Replied Clarkson. _"Plus they tend to be very snobby and extra self righteous and make the most disagreeable traveling companions as they drone on and one about their innate superiority; and no X in sight."_

"_She can't be Shield, whole lack of an X again."_ Pointed out May.

"_Ditto for Hydra and AIM, don't think she's from the Gun Nuns, might she be part of the Fantastic Four? That has an X in it." _Asks Hammond.

"_No it doesn't you silly man, there is no X in Fantastic or Four!" _Yells Clarkson.

"_Alpha flight?"_

"_No."_

"_Shi'ar Imperial Guard?"_

"_Nope. Here's a hint lads, that X thing."_

May points out._ "Can't be a Kingsman, their all snooty and dress extra posh."_

"_Nope. Xxxxxxxx. Think Xxxxxxxxxxxxx Memmmmmm"_

"_MI-7?"_

"_Noooooo."_

"_Well I'm done… can't think of any other team that has an X in their name"._ Stated Hammond.

"_Likewise I'm afraid."_ Answers May_. "All out as it were."_

Clarkson turns to the camera. _"And that's why I'm the brains of the operation."_

Clarkson turned back and faced his companions._ "It's like this chaps, she's an X-Man." _

"_What?"_ Replied a shocked Hammond. _"An ex man?!... You mean she's… well… a he I suppose… do you mean he was a he but now he is a she?"_

May chimes in equally puzzled. _"You mean she's one of those blokes who clip their manly bits off?"_

"_**NO!"**_ Responded Clarkson. _"You imbeciles! She's very much a she and she's a member of the group called the X-Men!"_

"_Which one?"_ inquired May who still looked confused. "_She doesn't have white hair so one supposes she's not Storm."_

Hammond whispers. _"Not to mention that little melatonin deficiency James, do try and pay attention."_

May dryly responds _"Well… yes, her complexion is noticeably different. If I May…"_

Hammond injects. _"You most certainly are."_

Which earns him a glare from May. _"Yes I believe I am… as I was saying, I'd like to return to the whole ex man thing and Clarkson's apparent change in preferences."_

"_Bhaa! Hopeless the lot of you". _Exclaimed Clarkson who then storms off in a huff. He walked over to the trunk and angrily acquired a few more clips for his AK-47.

Richard and May watched him stomp off and once he was out of earshot Hammond chuckles.

"_Well that was fun."_

"_Quite… serves him right."_ Replied a grinning May.

"_Questions to his masculinity always get him going."_

May observed._ "Ex man. Like we're that dense. Speak of, that getup of hers is quite attractive. Rather tight in all the right places."_

"_Bit distracting though."_

May had a bit of an epiphany. _"Egads, imagine the affects if she was Psylocke in that tight skimpy purple bit of nothing that she likes to flaunt about in. Bet the ratings would go up if she was prancing about."_

"_That assumes the camera man remembers to film."_ Sighed Hammond. _"Psylocke does tend to distract the male eye."_

May looks thoughtful as he responds._ "Did you know that there is a dedicated U-Tube channel that only has images showing her ass? Not to mention the ones that focus on the ginormous boobage."_

"_And you know this how?" _Inquires Hammond with a very sarcastic expression.

"_Um…time for you to fly the drone I think." _Replied May with a slightly panicky expression.


End file.
